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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:

Jengnr · 10/06/2013 07:11

Tomblidad, the OP's niece would have been a child at the OP's wedding. Hardly a fair comparison.

claudedebussy · 10/06/2013 07:27

i think it's disgustingly rude and i would be offended too.

yanbu

tomblidad · 10/06/2013 12:36

Jengr, they're cousins not niece and aunt aren't they? When you didn't invite your cousins had they already invited you to theirs and had you accepted their invite? If so I think you should had tried to reciprocate the invitation, if not then fine. If you really couldn't afford to invite them then fair enough but OP claims that they're splashing the cash on other bits of the wedding instead. B-list status is for colleagues and other groups of friends who might otherwise dominate proceedings not family members who are sufficiently close that you attended their wedding.

tomblidad · 10/06/2013 12:38

Jengr,

Before saying someone is making an unfair comparison please read OP.

"Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents."

MummytoKatie · 10/06/2013 13:51

Tomblidad The Op got married 23years ago. The bride was probably about 7 then. I doubt she had a lot of choice whether or not she attended. "Actually Mummy I'd prefer not to go to Cousin Jack's wedding as when I get married I'd prefer not to have gazillions of cousins I barely know there. Also it's my friend Susie's party and I want to go there instead."

Also if you are sticking to the exact details of reciprocity despite circumstances being different then as 7 year old presumably didn't get a +1 then Op's dh shouldn't either. So Op still shouldn't be invited.

Is dd obliged to invite the cousin whose wedding she attended at 4 months old to her wedding. What about the one that ds attended as a foetus?

LittleBearPad · 10/06/2013 15:15

OP's DH isn't invited either; he is going to the service to escort his mother, dropping her at the reception to which he is not invited, collecting his mother taking her for tea and then going to the evening party where he will meet with OP. I'm really worried that I remembered all that.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world for th aged and recently widowed MIL to have a plus one so her son could stay with her all day even if numbers were tight and OP wasn't invited.

tomblidad · 10/06/2013 15:20

Well spotted on 23 years but that doesn't mean she was 7. She is also the last of 14 cousins so will have gone to a lot of cousin weddings in the interim. So if you're going to have a two tier wedding then invite them to the evening do. I still think if you invite someone to the church you should invite them to the breakfast.

tomblidad · 10/06/2013 15:21

LittleBearPad couldn't agree more.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 10/06/2013 15:26

She has invited them to the evening do.
She has also mentioned they might like to come to the church.

claudedebussy · 10/06/2013 17:09

they expect the dh to take mil to the church, then onto the breakfast do, then piss the fuck off until it's over, at which point he expected back to ferry her to the evening do.

if that's not downright rude i don't know what is.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 10/06/2013 17:39

MIL expects that, there is no evidence that the bride and groom do.

MummytoKatie · 10/06/2013 20:34

As has been mentioned once or twice(!) in this thread already the Op's dh needs to call his cousin / aunt and ask what arrangements have been made for his mum. It may be none in which case he has to decide what he is / isn't willing to do. Or it may be that there is a 27 point plan already in action that he doesn't know about.

There has also been many discussions in this thread over whether it is kind or incredibly tactless to give the recently widowed MIL a +1. There is not a consensus here.

Sleep404 · 10/06/2013 20:44

Yanbu. As a general rule, I think if you invite people to your wedding and they have to travel a significant distance to get there, you should feed them.
Most of my family and friends travelled at least 2 hrs to come to my wedding and paid for a hotel. In return For the effort they made to be with me on my special day, I fed them.

Jengnr · 10/06/2013 20:46

Tomblidad, when attempting to patronise you might want to read the OP. She hasn't been invited to the church

In answer to your question, out of the six cousins I didn't invite (there were six I did) I had been invited to the weddings of four of them and attended two. Both of which when I was a child/teenager so had no choice. You shouldn't choose your wedding guests on reciprocal arrangements anyway. That's a) a ridiculous state of affairs and b) smacks of 'giving to receive' which is quite unpleasant.

tomblidad · 10/06/2013 23:04

Are we talking about you or OP?

tomblidad · 10/06/2013 23:13

Are we talking about you or OP? She has been invited to the church at 2pm. Op's dp is her cousin. She isn't her aunt. Or are you op's niece
..now that would be good.

MummytoKatie · 11/06/2013 13:59

No - she's been invited to the evening do. There is also a comment that she is welcome to come to the church. It's a polite thing to do for evening invutes. Doesn't mean you have to go.....

Jengnr · 11/06/2013 14:09

She's been invited to the evening reception. That's all.

They have been thoughtful enough to recognise that lots of people invited to the evening like to see the ceremony so they are welcome to attend.

That's it.

SpanishFly · 11/06/2013 18:57

Theyve not been "formally invited" to the church - OP says "The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do."

Surprised this thread is still going round in circles.

OP's DH has chosen not to enquire as to the expected arrangements for his mother, so they are going to have to go out of their way to ferry her around - even though they dont know if that's even necessary.

So to continue bashing the B&G seems weird, when no-one actually knows their opinion of any of it.

And, as I said before, it's no-one's business who the B&G/parents invite to their wedding - it's up to them, nobody else. And in Scotland, an evening invite is not at all seen as a two-tier thing. We didnt invite DH's cousins to the ceremony, just the evening do. I can't imagine theyd be offended by being invited to share in our day.

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