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AIBU?

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Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Greythorne · 02/06/2013 09:50

I think you are over thinking this one.

Decline their suggestion to attend the ceremony.

Attend the evening do.

Don't assume you are responsible for anyone else until
Explicitly asked.

NotDavidTennant · 02/06/2013 09:51

If you are only having 100 people at the reception but are getting married in a church that can seat more than 100 then then the polite thing to do is to offer thise extra spaces in church to people who are not invited to the reception but might want to see the ceremony anyway. If you look at it in this way then of course it's not rude.

I suspect the real problem though is that you think you ought to have been invited to the reception, your nose is out of joint due to the percieved snub and you are looking for reasons to justify feeling like this.

SpanishFly · 02/06/2013 09:51

Um they don't "expect" you to go to the church. Theyre actually being polite saying you're welcome to go to the service. You've not been formally invited to it, so no need to accept or decline that part.

If your MIL is going, she can either work out how to get there or you can work it out for her, but if you're at work then you can't ferry her around, so I don't see the huge problem. I also don't see why they'd need to book her a London hotel?

Why are you so offended at not being invited to the full wedding? Are you extremely close? If not, why on earth should you be invited to the ceremony?

And it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS if you think they're having a showy wedding but cant afford for every tenuous family member to get a free meal out of it. Everyone has a budget for their wedding, regardless of where it is. Everyone has to draw the line somewhere. And you're allowed to decline an invitation, you know. So either go to the wedding and be happy for them, or decline cos it's too far and too expensive. But don't go to the wedding and moan and bitch - thats just mean.

McNewPants2013 · 02/06/2013 09:51

I had the wedding I wanted. The people i invited was the people i am in regular contact with.

are you close to your cousin

I think this couple is doing a good job with the invites.

WinkyWinkola · 02/06/2013 09:51

If I were infirm and invited to a wedding, I wouldn't expect the bride and groom to organise my trip for me. They've got enough on.

I would sort it out myself or ask my grown up dcs to help.

Also I don't know why people get in a tizz about wedding invitations and to which parts they aren't invited.

Just don't go to the ceremony if it's inconvenient. Meanwhile, go to the evening do, have lots of fun and wish the couple well.

PurpleBlossom · 02/06/2013 09:51

Why is all your anger directed at the 'Bride ad her family'? Unless DH's cousin is a gormless numpty, then I'm sure he decided which members of his own family he wanted to invite?! Hmm

They can't afford to pay for everyone to eat. Go to the evening reception or stay at home. I very doubt they will miss your miserable face while cutting their wedding cake.

Also the other side of London will be 1-2 hours max. Really not that far to travel.

bamboostalks · 02/06/2013 09:52

It's sad that the MIL was married in that church herself and more isn't being made to secure her attendance. Presumably that's the bride's granny? She would be a very honoured guest indeed.

Bowlersarm · 02/06/2013 09:52

I think you should either pick one to go to, the ceremony or evening party. Or not go at all. I wouldn't fancy having to fill the afternoon, waiting between events.

I think it's their event, their choice what they do. But it's your choice whether to decline or not without giving it a second thought.

Jengnr · 02/06/2013 09:52

What's your problem? You've been invited to a night do but told that if you'd like to attend the ceremony you are welcome to. You don't have to.

Why would the bride be responsible for arranging travel plans for her fiancé's adult family? Let them sort it out.

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:53

Well clearly times have changed. DH and the bride are first cousins; MIL is relatively recently widowed and nearly 80 and I think it is unreasonable to expect and elderly lady to travel 250 miles and not to inquire about her arrangements. MIL is the most senior family member.

I don't think aunts, uncles and first cousins are distant relatives/extended family. DH has been extremely close to this uncle.

This is the only family wedding where first cousins have been put on the "B" list. It is also the most grandly staged.

This would all have been more straight forward if we had just been invited to the evening party. That would not have offended me. Is it really the done thing to send a printed invitation telling people they can attend the ceremony but aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. All DH's cousins came to ours.

It just seems rather odd and thoughtless to me; even more so when some cousins have been invited and some haven't

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 09:55

Same here McNewpants. I know there were distant family members that were pissed off at not being invited. I'd never even heard of them before, yet they were expecting me to not invite close friends, to invite someone that had not so much as sent me a Xmas or birthday card for 25 years of my life Hmm.

Peopl are bonkers about weddings, it seems like it's just not possible to not offend someone.

CloudsAndTrees · 02/06/2013 09:55

You are looking at this all wrong.

When you have a church wedding and evening guests at your reception, it is considered polite to give the details of the ceremony to the evening guests. That way they know they are welcome at the ceremony if they want to come.

This couple have done the right thing, you just don't realise it.

They are allowed to invite guests without making travel arrangements for them, even if they are elderly!

You might have a point if the wedding and receptions were in the middle of nowhere, but surely in London you could find something nice to do inbetween the ceremony and evening if you wanted to.

AnnOnaMaus · 02/06/2013 09:55

"B List"! Get over yourself, FFS.

Vivacia · 02/06/2013 09:55

"It's the expectation that we have time to go to the wedding (which is being staged in a very important church) but aren't important enough to be invited properly."

There isn't an expectation. They are kindly saying how welcome you'd be at the most important part of the day, given that it's a religious ceremony. I think the explanation of why they can't invite you to the meal is very polite.

Antisecco · 02/06/2013 09:57

This would all have been more straight forward if we had just been invited to the evening party. That would not have offended me

But this is what has happened and yet you are offended. The bit about 'come to the ceremony' and explaining why they couldn't invite you to the breakfast is an extra courtesy and yet you have been offended by it! Sheeesh, this sound like hard work for the poor b and g

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 09:57

And then I bet you'd have been bloody well offended that you weren't invited to the actual wedding ceremony as thatis actually the main event, the reason for the whole day. FFS

amandine07 · 02/06/2013 09:58

I'd say just go to the evening event, especially if you have to take time off work for it and this is winding you up.
You sound like you don't particularly like the Bride anyhow.

You do sound slightly bitter that they are having a "grand" wedding, implying that they cannot afford it so should go smaller and thus not treat people badly.

Have you thought that they're actually just being polite inviting you to the actual ceremony, if not the breakfast?
Just go to the evening, if you go to the ceremony and have to occupy yourselves before the evening do, you'll likely be feeling disgruntled by then.

Vivacia · 02/06/2013 09:58

I think it'd be strange not to invite family to the wedding ceremony. Evening only is something you do for colleagues.

" MIL is relatively recently widowed and nearly 80 and I think it is unreasonable to expect and elderly lady to travel 250 miles and not to inquire about her arrangements."

What makes you think they have those expectations? If your husbands cousin isn't close to his elderly aunt(?) he might not realise how limited her lifestyle has become.

MIL is the most senior family member."

Perhaps on your side of the family. I don't really see what you're getting at with this.

Jengnr · 02/06/2013 09:58

Cousins are extended family. If they were close they'd have been invited, which is presumably the case with the ones that have.

It's not thoughtless at all, quite the reverse as they've appreciated that some guests would love to attend the ceremony who are invited to the evening. The fact you've chosen to bitch about it proves there's just no pleasing some people.

NorthernLurker · 02/06/2013 09:58

Hey OP - one of my cousins will be marrying for the second time soon and hasn't invited me to either wedding. I've coped. You will too.

Vivacia · 02/06/2013 09:59

Also, I'm not sure why the bride is getting all of the blame. You are the groom's family, right?

flowery · 02/06/2013 09:59

"It's the expectation that we have time to go to the wedding"

There is nothing in that invitation that indicates they expect you to go to the ceremony or look after MIL. You are invited to the evening do, and they have extra places at the church, presumably because it is big, and are therefore offering them to evening guests in case any of them want to come along to that bit.

Just go to the evening do and get DH to ring his uncle/aunt to make sure they are taking into account MIL's needs during the day.

Am I missing something? Confused

flowery · 02/06/2013 10:01

People, the cousin is the bride, not the groom, so it's fair enough her getting the blame. Not that anyone should be actually.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 02/06/2013 10:02

If MIL lives 250 miles away then maybe the bride and groom aren't aware that she needs someone with her, given that she will be surrounded by other relatives. Plenty of 80 yo wouldn't so its a bit of a grey area. Maybe you could actually tell them this and see what they say about having MIL with a plus one.

Vivacia · 02/06/2013 10:03

(Thanks for pointing out my error flowery). Of course, anyone can attend anyone's church wedding, they're open to the public.