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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
SizzleSazz · 02/06/2013 10:26

14 cousins (now all with partners) - so 28 adults and possibly 28 ish children. So 50+ 'cousin' related guests.

I can see why they are trying to constrain numbers......

SizzleSazz · 02/06/2013 10:26
  • cousins on grooms side (for fairness).....
francesdrake · 02/06/2013 10:27

Oops, cross-posted. Sorry.

Binkybix · 02/06/2013 10:27

Ok - I agree it's wrong of them not to have made arrangements to help mil - it was not clear from thread whether they had or not.

But I don't agree that the principle of what they have done is rude apart from that. And yes, it would be OTT to expect your children to be invited too!

bamboostalks · 02/06/2013 10:28

I think it's rude. I hate all that crap of evening dos anyway. I didn't have that nonsensical distinction. I always decline evening do invitations. I think they're cheeky, especially when there's a wedding list attached!
Out of interest, why out of 14 cousins is your dh the one with responsibility for Granny? Surely another cousin who is going to the whole shebang could pitch in?

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 10:30

Christ if there's 14 cousins plus partners no wonder they can't fit you all in at the wedding breakfast!!

flowery · 02/06/2013 10:30

Why is DH doing all the accompanying stuff for MIL? Just get him to contact the bride/bride's parents and make sure it's under control, surely?

Growlithe · 02/06/2013 10:30

Did you really arrange all of your guests travel for your own wedding? Hmm

And why did you mention getting dressed up when you work full time in your OP, if the wedding was at the weekend and you don't formally work then?

Binkybix · 02/06/2013 10:32

Yes, agree that this even more of a non-issue as the wedding is, in fact, on a Saturday. Also interested to know why one of the cousins invited to the day cannot assist mil.

lurkedtoolong · 02/06/2013 10:32

I always thought guests were the responsibility of the hosts btw - but perhaps this is no longer the case.

Nope - adults can take responsibility for themselves.

Queazy · 02/06/2013 10:32

It is quite normal now. I had one friend be annoyed with me for NOT showing up at the church 1.5hr drive away, as I had nowhere to spend the next 6 hours!! I've also been invited to a full wedding 3hrs away, whilst BF at the time only invited to the evening! Sadly, I would say suck it up. Only go to the evening, and check with your MIL that she has arrangements in place. It's really hard for them to cater for everyone and hopefully they invited MIL to everything to respect that she can't be to'ing and fro'ing all day.

Weddings are so tricky tho - I don't blame you for being cross!

Shitsinger · 02/06/2013 10:34

I agree but maybe Im very old fashioned !

I have never been to a Wedding where you were invited to attend the ceremony and then not to the reception/wedding breakfast.
You either attended the whole thing or you didn't !Confused
I would go to the evening reception only .

Suzieismyname · 02/06/2013 10:35

Yanbu. It is rude but increasingly common these days.

Yonionekanobe · 02/06/2013 10:36

Presumably if there are 13 other cousins and their partners, there are a large number of you not invited to the wedding breakfast. Why not go to the ceremony and then have a family meal somewhere before the evening do? You may have a better time!?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/06/2013 10:36

It does seem to be a modern feature of weddings that some have become so large that the Bride and Groom are no longer hosts but arrangers of an event for which they issue tickets to some or all of the component parts.

Geordieminx · 02/06/2013 10:37

YABU

Also can you stop using the word "staged" it makes it sound like a play. You "hold" a wedding not "stage" it.

trixy you not had your morning coffee yet? Grin

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 02/06/2013 10:37

YABU.

They aren't expecting you to go to the ceremony. They are saying you can if you want to. My SIL married in a church and various friends and neighbours of her dad went to the church just to see the wedding. Anyone can turn up.

BookFairy · 02/06/2013 10:37

A tricky one. The B+G are free to invite whoever they choose. On the other hand, you and your DH want to make sure his mum is ok, particularly as she has been recently widowed and up until now would have attended such events with her husband. Either do what you have planned (take MIL, have her stay etc) or have your DH call his cousin and check that travel arrangements on the day (from ceremony to reception) are being taken care of.

You've had a bit of a kicking on here, surely better to have a rant on MN than in RL?!

pigletmania · 02/06/2013 10:38

Yanbu but this is te way now. We went to a wedding like that years ago, we were invited to the church n the evening do, but had the day in between. We went to te ceremony, tan had a meal out an went back for te evening

quoteunquote · 02/06/2013 10:39

So weird, I find it most odd what people prioritise when getting married,

I always think of marriage as the joining of two people, and by extension the joining of two families and friends, who come to support that union.

these days it seems to be more about venues, flowers, photos and dresses, a sort of fur coat no knickers weddings.,

The best ones are the ones where whole families and friends come, in a local community setting, they seem to achieve the feel that couple really feel they want their whole support network to come together because they are genuinely wanting to bring all the different aspects of their lives together.

When you are a host, you should when devising a plan, think to yourself, Is this the most comfortable I can make my guests? if it is not, come up with a new plan.

I think most people these day book a venue first, and then start working out who to invite, guest become accessorises rather than the fabric.

Go to the wedding, then have a day out (meal, show, pick up mother from evening do) that way she won't have the stress of getting to a hotel on her own, you go to the important bit, say hello to friends and family, and don't get used as accessories.

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 10:42

Been up for faaar too long for my liking geordie. I'm swimming in caffeine!!

WineNot · 02/06/2013 10:42

YABtotallyU.

They have invited you the evening I with a note that, should you wish to attend, you are welcome to the service too.

You don't have to say yes...

Neither does the MIL.

janey68 · 02/06/2013 10:43

Surely the most important part is the actual ceremony. You aren't obliged to go to this - you could just go to the evening do to which you are invited, but the bride and groom have made it clear it would be lovely to have you there. If you don't want to attend the ceremony, then just go to the evening do. If you want to see the actual marriage, then go to the service and decline the evening invite.If you want to do neither, then decline altogether

I don't see what your MIL's arrangements have to do with any of this. Suppose you and DH hadn't been invited at all? she would be making her own arrangements (or declining herself) wouldnt she

Jengnr · 02/06/2013 10:43

Weddings aren't the coming together of two families, they are the coming together of two people. And those two people should be able to celebrate with whomever they choose.

Why should cousins you're not that close to be prioritised over people that you see on a regular basis and are very close to because they happen to be related?

breatheslowly · 02/06/2013 10:43

Is the wedding on a work day?

The groom may well come from a large family and have 30 cousins, so perhaps they had to draw a line under aunts and uncles for the full day and have cousins in the evening.

I don't much like evening only invites and would much prefer a ceremony and evening invite, provided the venue is not in the middle of nowhere. I like to see people actually getting married. I had a ceremony and evening invitation in a reasonable sized town and went shopping and for drinks with friends in the gap, it was great.

How much of your irritation relates to having had DH's cousin to your own wedding?