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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 02/06/2013 09:30

MIL is their problem not yours. They are being polite asking you to the ceremony, they haven't said you have to go either, that's up to you. Just don't go until the evening. And London is not such a big place and has a great transport network and getting dressed up being an issue, unless you have hair and make up people who have to be booked twice I can't see it being that much of an issue!

Fuckwittery · 02/06/2013 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 02/06/2013 09:32

Why can't your mil book her own hotel?

Couples getting married really can't do right for doing wrong can they!

MrsMelons · 02/06/2013 09:32

From your OP there is no where to suggest they 'expect' you to attend the ceremony. It sounds like they are politely inviting you if you want to go and it would be lovely if you could.

I put a sticker inside all the evening invites informing people of the church time etc, we had quite a lot of extra people turn up to the church and they said how lovely it was for us to think to invite them. It was local but I still can't see how anyone could take offence at this.

Have they actually asked/told you to take her? In all honesty I would be more than happy to do this for my elderly mum or nan.

badguider · 02/06/2013 09:32

Why do you think they "expect" you to go the church and look after your MILs needs?

I find it odd you're getting all offended at what you perceive to be "unstated expectations" when they very well may not be expectations at all.
Your MIL must be siblings with one of either the bride or grooms parents - maybe they'll look after her? And telling you you can come to the church if you want is hardly issuing an "expectation" of attendance!!

Jellyhandsandfingers · 02/06/2013 09:32

If I was your DH or his mother I would probably speak to the cousin and explain MIL difficulty with travelling and ask if it was possible for him to come to the wedding breakfast to assist her as she would really like to come but would struggle on her own. I would stress that you don't both expect an invitation though (cost probaly is a factor) and if I was you I'd stay at home.

harverina · 02/06/2013 09:32

Personally I think you have either full day guests or evening guests. You can't expect people to go to the church and then hang about until the evening starts.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2013 09:32

Send your DH to suck it up then. I wouldn't bother going.

IWillGetThere · 02/06/2013 09:34

Gosh you really don't care for any of our opinions. Why bother asking?

You do not have to go to the church part. There is no issue.

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 09:35

YABU. The main event is the actual wedding ceremony, which you have been invited to. If it is too much hassle then don't go and just attend the evening reception.

The stuff about them expecting you to look after your MIL is all in your head.

VinegarDrinker · 02/06/2013 09:36

YABU and reading far too much into it.

Is there not transport for the guests to the meal? And if not is there really noone who is going that can take the MIL?

I would actually consider it a nice touch that they have mentioned the ceremony if you want to attend, being locally based (London is really not that big). I would enjoy going for a meal with DH and a wander along the South Bank etc before heading over for a few drinks.

HollyBerryBush · 02/06/2013 09:36

You're going to be the stuck up guest from hell aren't you?

Sirzy · 02/06/2013 09:39

Haverina- the op is an evening guest, they have been told the ceremony times if they wish to go but there is no expectation they will.

englishteacher78 · 02/06/2013 09:39

I extended open invite to the church service for my wedding - even to colleagues/friends from church who we weren't able to invite to wedding at all. This is not a new thing either a friend did the same 7 years ago. I travelled from NE Essex to Reading for the ceremony. Amused myself with other friends only invited to the evening and then headed to the reception. There are all manner of restrictions on wedding breakfasts. The important bit to share is meant to be the ceremony not the party.
YABU.

lljkk · 02/06/2013 09:39

yabvu, they aren't expecting you to make time to attend wedding, just letting you know you are welcome to be there if you want. MIL is an adult and they are treating her as an adult who can see to her own needs. They are not assuming that MIL is your charge.

Or is she? Dementia wasn't mentioned?

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 09:39

And inviting work colleagues and more distant family members has been normal for at least 12 years as that's what most work colleagues, family and friends of my age group did at least 12 years ago.

StatisticallyChallenged · 02/06/2013 09:40

The church one might not be about expectation though - we had evening guests (mainly work colleagues as DH and I worked in the same place and we couldn't do full meal for all of them) and a few asked if they could pop along to the church as they wanted to see the actual wedding part. So we ended up sending out the evening invites (which were very clearly evening invites) with a note saying that "if they wished they were of course welcome at the ceremony which would be at ......."

We were trying to please guests, not offend them

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 09:41

^^just for the evening reception

Growlithe · 02/06/2013 09:41

I would give them a call and explain that your MIL really wants to attend but needs someone helping her to get about. Explain that you realise the budget is tight, and if they can't add a plus 1 for her could they have an attending guest who knows her volunteer. I would help her with the travel arrangements and hotel booking.

I would then just go to the evening, and help MIL back to the hotel when she is tired.

I would probably go to the church simply because I'd love to have a nosey at a wedding in an important London church and will probably never get the chance. I would dress in a business suit if you are shooting back to work, no need for wedding finery if you aren't attending the breakfast.

ExcuseTypos · 02/06/2013 09:41

I'd ring them up and ask if they are aware she is very unsteady, needs help etc. if they are aware of this and have someone in mind to help her, then there's no need for you to worry.

If they haven't thought about it, then they will have to now- so again no need for you to be concerned.

I don't think it matters that they have said you are welcome at the wedding. I think it's a nice gesture and they won't 'expect' you to be there.

AnnOnaMaus · 02/06/2013 09:44

Jesus Christ. Entitled much? They are not saying here's a ceremony invite, but you're not important enough for the breakfast, they're saying, here's an evening invite, but you're welcome to come to the ceremony if you'd like to, and they've explained why.

All the stuff about the MIL is a red-herring PURELY in the mind of the OP, and she's upset herself about it, without any help from the bridal party who haven't mentioned it.

Fucking hate the wedding threads on MN, it seems all wedding guests are control-freak wankers who hate anyone not doing things "their" way.

conkercon · 02/06/2013 09:45

Figuring out the relationship it would be Mil siblings who is a parent to cousin so I am full sure they would make sure she was looked after during ceremony and breakfast. No?

NorthernLurker · 02/06/2013 09:45

You have NOT been treated badly Hmm. You aren't even related to this couple and dh is her cousin. At Wills and Kate's wedding that would put you in the minibus with the other minor royals.
There's no reason at all why you can't go to the church, take mil, escort her and then get yourselves a nice posh lunch out. You just don't want to. I think you're very petty.

Knotter · 02/06/2013 09:47

YABU. With weddings I think you just have to accept what you are given. Help MIL with her arrangements and ensure the bride and groom have someone who will look after her during the afternoon. Then go and have your own posh meal like Squirrel suggests!

Gomez · 02/06/2013 09:49

Agree with vast majority of others. Go to the ceremony if you wish, no pressure, no need to get dressed up either ime.

Attend the party in the evening to help them celebrate.

MIL speaks with the the person in her generation who is closet to the bride and groom to get some logistical help.

Or don't go.

The Bride and Groom have done nothing wrong.