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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DD?

167 replies

Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 02:28

At the end of June my PFB is turning 21 she also graduates from university just two days after her birthday I feel incredibly old and my H and I were planning on taking her, her boyfriend and our DS(18) out for a meal to celebrate at her favourite restaurant in the city about 10 miles from our home town on her birthday.

However, H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op meaning we'll be unlikely to make her graduation ceremony and will be unlikely to be able to take our family out for the meal.

This is the first time in 6 years DD has allowed us to celebrate her birthday as she is really funny about being centre of attention and doesn't like receiving presents (long story which could take up a whole other thread) so I asked DD if we could move the meal until after her dad was able to drive again which is likely to be mid-late July she said no as it "its not my birthday then". I'm quite hurt by this and I feel she's being unreasonably selfish due to her dads health.

So is she being unreasonable and selfish for not accepting the proposed plans or am I to want to move the meal until later in the year?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/05/2013 02:33

Well it isnt like you could do it on her birthday but are choosing not to is it? You havent got any choice!

So I suggest you explain that its either mid July or no meal at all, and see what she says.

she is being very self absorbed, does she realise that it isnt just a quick op and then back to normal? Or perhaps she is worried and is behaving as if everything is fine in the hopes that it will all go away?

YANBU though.

Bogeyface · 30/05/2013 02:35

However......as the restaurant is 10 miles away, would a taxi be an option or would your DH be too ill to attend? I know a taxi wont be cheap but as a one off for her 21st?

I would be pissed off, I have to admit.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 30/05/2013 02:40

Why don't you just celebrate somewhere closer to home at the time of her birthday? I can see why she doesn't want to do it later on

I think YABU

Redorwhitejusthaveboth · 30/05/2013 02:42

YABU it's her 21st and her graduation and you should make arrangements to be at both - personally I'd be either moving op date until after or I'd have lifts etc lined up... She's entitled to a huge fuss from you - massive occasion and landmark in her life

TheFlipsideOfTheCoin · 30/05/2013 02:48

I wouldn't want to celebrate my 21st weeks later. Pay for taxi? Meal in?

Remotecontrolduck · 30/05/2013 02:51

I'm torn. On one hand, it is a big deal for her. On the other, I think she is being a bit self absorbed and needs to think of others. It's not like you've booked yourself a holiday and postponed it, your H is having a big operation.

Could you get a taxi instead of H driving if she really won't budge on it?

Jayne266 · 30/05/2013 02:51

Yabu change the plans to suit the situation or get a taxi.

WeAreEternal · 30/05/2013 02:52

Why can't you get a taxi?
Or a bus (if a taxi is too expensive for you)?
Or go to a local restaurant in your own town (if traveling is not an option)?

YABU just by saying you are going to miss your daughters graduation just because you can't drive, surely you have a friend of family member that would be willing to give you a lift.
Ill health or not there is no way in hell I would miss my DCs graduation, even if I had to get a coach or walk.

If her father can't make the meal due to his health then that's one thing, but to suggest cancelling her birthday and rearranging it for a more convenient time a month later is awful, it's no surprise she rejected the idea.
What is wrong with just you, DD her BF and DS going for her birthday meal if her father will be too unwell to attend?
I know it may not be the same without him but it is your DDs 21st and she deserves a celebration.

SomethingProfound · 30/05/2013 03:05

YABVU, you are going to miss her graduation your H fair enough but you not going is not on. It's a huge accomplishment and your attitude is baffling. Sad AndAngry for you DD.

As for this birthday it is clearly a big deal for her to celebrate it you are making that celebration inconvenient. Do something closer to home or go with out H. Don't punish your DD because you haven't learnt to drive.

dubstarr73 · 30/05/2013 03:22

You have no you babies.Husband having an operation.Daughter is graduating,turning 21.I would be there come hell or high water.
I dont drive either but have managed so far.I just think you are looking for an exscuse not to go.Your husband can cancel his operation your daughter cant cancel her 21st.

LittleMissLucy · 30/05/2013 05:12

jeez.
I think the DD needs to get some perspective. Time to think about her dad.
Birthdays, smirthdays - it can wait ffs.

OutOfCheeseError · 30/05/2013 05:21

10 miles? Why on earth can't you get a bus/train/taxi? At least you and your son could go to her graduation, even if your DH isn't up to the journey. YApossiblyNBU to postpone the meal if finances don't allow for taxi plus meal, but YABVVU for contemplating missing her graduation!

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 05:22

I generally don't do birthdays but I suppose when you are 21 it must seem important.

Obviously you don't want to go into the health details of your DH (and I'm amused that posters think he should shelve his operation, when we haven't a clue whether it is something life threatening or run of the mill).

I have to day, given your situation, and your DH isn't at deaths door, I would be going to the graduation.

The meal? Well, again it depends on what your DH is having operated upon. Recommendations for taxis and so forth are all well and good, but if he's had a heart bypass or hip replacement, it's just not going to happen is it?

I think, given the distance is only 10 miles, I would also be going to the meal and getting a babysitter for DH in need. Or if the recovery time is that long, I would be having a meal at home so he could be part of it and defer going out until another time.

Iamthestigswife · 30/05/2013 05:28

If I was your daughter I would be upset too. I agree you should get a taxi and can't actually understand why you wouldn't make every effort to be support your daughter at her graduation and celebrate her birthday. I imagine all her friends parents will be at graduation so it will be gutting for her if you're not there.

loveschocolate · 30/05/2013 05:29

I would have been so hurt if my parents didn't come to my graduation ceremony. Would understand if one was ill but unless it was very serious would hope the other parent would make the effort.

Morgause · 30/05/2013 05:30

Your DD will remember her graduation for the rest of her life. It's a massive milestone and she will probably never forgive you if you spoil her day.

Nothing would have made me miss my DC's graduation days. Please find a way to be there for her, she wants you there glowing with pride at her achievement.

A 21st birthday is also an important milestone. There must be some way that you can all be together, even if only in a scaled down way.

I hope your DH's operation goes well.

prissyenglisharriviste · 30/05/2013 05:35

My parents didn't come to mine. Mil came (she brought dd1 lol) and I'm still faintly weirded out that my own parents didn't bother.

Hey ho. There's nowt so queer as folk.

I'll be going to my childrens' graduations. Wink It's pretty weird not to, tbh.

mynewpassion · 30/05/2013 05:36

YABVU.

If you had said that you would attend the graduation but postpone the birthday celebration, I would be on your side but you didn't. You (your husband's health understandable) can't make it to TWO important milestone's in her life. Missing both is a double whammy for your daughter and I can see why she said she did.

You should make an effort to go to her graduation.

Numberlock · 30/05/2013 05:53

Get a grip and make some proper arrangements. You've got a month to sort something out.

And while you've explained why your husband can't go, you've not given one valid reason why you can't attend your own daughter's grafuation.

I suspect either.a massive drip feed will follow or the OP won't be back.

Jomato · 30/05/2013 05:55

YABU. If I was your DD I'd be so upset. These things are massively important at her age and I'm actually really shocked that you think not being able to drive is a reason to miss her graduation. You need to find a way to celebrate both with her, she might need to accept some changes to the plans but not missing her graduation and moving her birthday. I really think you owe her an apology, she's probably feeling very hurt.

maddening · 30/05/2013 05:58

Yabu - take taxis

MusicalEndorphins · 30/05/2013 05:58

There is no way I would miss my child's graduation....if I were you, I would try to find someone to drive me there and back. The 21st birthday dinner could be celebrated the week before your husband goes in for surgery perhaps?

I bet that after she has a few days to think it over, she will be more agreeable to an alternative plan. Or, her dad could stay home and you all go without him in a cab?

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 06:07

Just re-reading your OP - is your H your daughters father?

Is there a bigger back story here?

wigglesrock · 30/05/2013 06:45

I don't understand why you can't go to the graduation?

MortifiedAdams · 30/05/2013 06:47

YABU. Your DD turns 21 & graduates in the same week and you are writing it all off because neither of you drive? Selfish and lazy.