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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DD?

167 replies

Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 02:28

At the end of June my PFB is turning 21 she also graduates from university just two days after her birthday I feel incredibly old and my H and I were planning on taking her, her boyfriend and our DS(18) out for a meal to celebrate at her favourite restaurant in the city about 10 miles from our home town on her birthday.

However, H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op meaning we'll be unlikely to make her graduation ceremony and will be unlikely to be able to take our family out for the meal.

This is the first time in 6 years DD has allowed us to celebrate her birthday as she is really funny about being centre of attention and doesn't like receiving presents (long story which could take up a whole other thread) so I asked DD if we could move the meal until after her dad was able to drive again which is likely to be mid-late July she said no as it "its not my birthday then". I'm quite hurt by this and I feel she's being unreasonably selfish due to her dads health.

So is she being unreasonable and selfish for not accepting the proposed plans or am I to want to move the meal until later in the year?

OP posts:
threesypeesy · 30/05/2013 06:55

YABVU graduating and turning 21 are huge milestones in your dds life.

You get a taxi, a train, a bus, a friend to take you both, last eesort id bloody walk your making excuses so your not put out and sound incredibly selfish.

If you were my mum ans missed eith I would never forgive you!

lunar1 · 30/05/2013 07:02

Why has she not allowed you to celebrate her birthday for 6 years?

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 07:06

How is your daughter getting to the graduation ceremony ?

You sound like my parents, tbh

Self absorbed and do everything on your own terms

How interesting that you accuse your dd of the very same thing....

PS. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. You might want to think on that

livinginwonderland · 30/05/2013 07:07

YABU. I graduated two years and I would have been devastated if my parents hadn't attended. Both of them took a day off work and drove 2 hours each way to be there and it meant so much to me that they showed up. There must be a way to get there without a car - train, taxi, bus, or some combination of the three. Put yourself in her shoes, she probably feels like shit now.

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 07:09

Unless we know what the operation is, whether it's life threatening, what the mobility and recovery time is - then it's really pointless advocating taxis and so forth.

Crocodilio · 30/05/2013 07:14

I would ride a bike, or walk, ten miles (and further!) to get to my daughter's graduation if that were the only option and no lifts were available.

Re the meal, of course you must celebrate it on her birthday, so organise lifts, taxis, a closer restaurant or whatever it takes.

Your daughter is not BU, you and your husband definitely are.

littlewhitebag · 30/05/2013 07:16

The birthday meal you can postpone. My DD1 is 21 this year but we can't celebrate with her as she is going to be working in the US. These things happen.
However I would move hell and high water to be at her graduation if I was you. This is a massive deal for your DD and she will only get one chance to graduate.

MrsHoarder · 30/05/2013 07:18

Holly no it isn't, if the h is out of hospital then he's probably going to be fine at home for a few hours even if he can't come.

livinginwonderland · 30/05/2013 07:18

Holly - it's pointless advocating it for her DH, but not for OP. If I was the OP's husband, I would absolutely be telling her to go anyway and to leave me at home if I was too sick/unable to attend for whatever reason. That's the selfish bit imo.

DuchessFanny · 30/05/2013 07:19

Make the graduation, she'll never get that day again !

As for her birthday, maybe you can get them over and treat them to a takeaway ? And the go out later in the year when your DH has recovered ?

Don't just leave it, I'd be gutted if my parents hadn't cone to my graduation or made a fuss on my birthday ..

Hope DH's surgery goes well btw

marriedinwhiteagain · 30/05/2013 07:21

See I read it differently. Neither the daughter nor the parents that fussed about the graduation so not an issue up for discussion.

DH/Dad's recovering from surgery and unable to drive to get everyone to a favourite restaurant and possibly not up to a big night out. But I would have compromised and would put on a fab meal at home and would make it really special. Then when DH was better we would all go to the restaurant.

Can't your dd or her boyfriend drive though?

DuttyWine · 30/05/2013 07:23

You need to go, not driving is a weak excuse, what if your partner didnt drive would you not have considered going at all.
My df had an operation in dec, quite serious my dd was in a ballet performance in the next city, my df paid 30 each way in a taxi to see it, in his pyjamas and slippers!

If your dd is willing to celebrate after what I'm assuming is an emotional problem she has suffered you should be even more enthusiastic.

I always think situations like this cause long term upset. When your ds has a 21st she will look back and compare it to hers.

Could you have a party at home instead and travel to her graduation alone, asking a friend to sit with your dh if needed.

pictish · 30/05/2013 07:25

What do you mean you won't be able to make the graduation ceremony? Why not?

Bus? Train? Taxi? Lift from a friend or relative?

Poor excuse OP...sorry.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl · 30/05/2013 07:27

You don't say your DHnwill be too ill, only unable to drive, so on that basis, YABU. Get a taxi!

In fact, is this a reverse AIBU?

BadgersNadgers · 30/05/2013 07:27

YABU. There are plenty of transport options available, missing her graduation is inexcusable.

Hulababy · 30/05/2013 07:35

My parents didn't come to my graduation. They'd already a holiday booked before the dates were announced. It was perfectly fine. I didn't feel upset at all. My boyfriend, now DH, came instead. I have a great relationship with my parents and knew it was just one if those things.

I wouldn't change most op dates though. Many are waited months for and cancelling can be a nightmare and then having to rejoin queues.

Can the meal be arranged closer to home or even a nice meal at home? Or taxi.

Hulababy · 30/05/2013 07:40

I'm shocked at how many people would be devastated re the graduation. I really am. I was/am totally understanding that mine didn't make the graduation. I really didn't see it as that big a deal in that sense. And it had no bearing in my relationship with my parents. I knew how they felt about me, not being able to come didn't change that one bit. I'd have hated for them to have changed or cancelled their holiday for it!

BeckAndCall · 30/05/2013 07:40

Maybe there's more to this than meets eye - you say your DH has a scheduled op the week before and you're thinking he might not be out of hospital? Anything planned for more than a 7 day stay in hospital sounds pretty major to me, as that would be pretty unusual for anything relatively routine.

But if its just the driving thing, just plan around it.

Like others before me, I'd walk if necessary to my DCs graduations....

chrome100 · 30/05/2013 07:40

Why on earth can't you get the train to her graduation? Not being able to drive is no excuse.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 07:41

I don't see where op said her h might still be in hospital

She said he might not be able to drive, is all

loofet · 30/05/2013 07:42

Yabu! Poor DD Sad I would be so angry and sad if I was her, no idea how some think it is self absorbed to expect your DPs at your graduation, you know THE ONLY ONE YOU'LL EVER HAVE Hmm.

Also you only turn 21 once and for whatever reason this is some huge milestone birthday and the last you have really (unless you're one of those who thinks the start of every new decade 30,40,50 etc are milestones..). Plus she's obviously put some effort in to getting over whatever problems she has with birthdays so you can celebrate with her.

Not driving is a lame excuse. You're her parents ffs, i'd be walking, forking out for a taxi or getting a bus if it were my DC's graduation and 21st. YABVU.

Scruffey · 30/05/2013 07:44

I think it is inexcusable to miss her graduation due to you being unable to drive. Your dh will be 9 days post op by that stage (not sure how he will be - depending on what he is having?) and whilst it is perfectly reasonable for him not to go, I think it is very odd that you will not go to the graduation ceremony on your own.

Re the meal, yes that could be postponed and dd is probably being unreasonable there.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 30/05/2013 07:46

BeckAndCall - H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op.

The Op has not said he is staying in for a week. Even after minor surgery eg a hernia repair or gall bladder removal driving is not allowed.

What is the operation? I personally would get a different date.

HorraceTheOtter · 30/05/2013 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoMomma · 30/05/2013 07:47

If my mum had missed my graduation we would not be on good terms with such a pathetic excuse.

will be one week post option, fine to be left for the day/ evening.

Train bus taxi

21 and graduation are huge and YABU and a bit pathetic re: boohoo I Can't drive.