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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DD?

167 replies

Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 02:28

At the end of June my PFB is turning 21 she also graduates from university just two days after her birthday I feel incredibly old and my H and I were planning on taking her, her boyfriend and our DS(18) out for a meal to celebrate at her favourite restaurant in the city about 10 miles from our home town on her birthday.

However, H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op meaning we'll be unlikely to make her graduation ceremony and will be unlikely to be able to take our family out for the meal.

This is the first time in 6 years DD has allowed us to celebrate her birthday as she is really funny about being centre of attention and doesn't like receiving presents (long story which could take up a whole other thread) so I asked DD if we could move the meal until after her dad was able to drive again which is likely to be mid-late July she said no as it "its not my birthday then". I'm quite hurt by this and I feel she's being unreasonably selfish due to her dads health.

So is she being unreasonable and selfish for not accepting the proposed plans or am I to want to move the meal until later in the year?

OP posts:
TinBox · 30/05/2013 10:07

Presuming that your DH really won't be up to it....what's stopping you from going to her graduation? Find alternative transport. And what's stopping you from taking her out to dinner?

BrummieMummie · 30/05/2013 10:23

Sorry but YABVU in accusing her of being selfish when that's exactly what you're doing. My best friend's parents didn't go to her graduation and she was gutted. It's one of those things that you remember forever and it's very sad that you don't seem to want to make the effort to be there on such an important occasion in your daughter's life. I think you're entitled to be a bit pissed off and hurt if your parents don't seem to want to make any effort for your graduation or your 21st imo. There must be a way for you to get there: taxi, train? There are ways around the problem if you genuinely want to go and I think it's quite sad that you just don't seem to want to. I would be pissed off if I were your daughter as well tbh.

flumperoo · 30/05/2013 10:25

I don't think this is for real.

You're missing your daughter's graduation ceremony because her dad can't drive you there? What about other modes of transport? Her 21st birthday is a pretty big deal and of course you should try your best to celebrate with her on the day. Is there any reason other than your husband not being able to drive that is stopping you from doing these things?

I can understand why your daughter is upset. These are milestones she'll remember for years and years to come.

WeAreEternal · 30/05/2013 10:27

What that OP said suggests it is a relatively minor operation.
It sounds like he is not staying in hospital more than a couple of days, and since he will be able to drive after only 2-3 weeks I think it is likely it is only a minor procedure.

Andro · 30/05/2013 12:41

YABU, more than that you are sending the message to your DD that you don't consider her graduation important enough to make an extra effort to attend (even if your DH can't). I notice that you don't say how close your DD's university is though, is it in the same city as the restaurant or further away?

MumnGran · 30/05/2013 12:49

She may be feeling very hurt that you are not going to be at her graduation. Could you get there by train? ....its a pretty major thing to miss, and if your H is going to be over the op by then, and "recovering" at home, then I can see that she might feel a bit let down. Which is what I suspect may be colouring her reaction to the meal.

While obviously the nicest thing all round would be a whole family 'thing' ....it may be a time when you need to accept that circumstances mean celebrating without H. You can always make it more low-key, and then have an expensive treat together for everyone, later.

Original poster
Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 13:29

My DD is actual that bothered about her graduation ceremony, she went with me to her cousins a few years ago and found it incredibly boring.

The op can't be moved as its been cancelled twice already. H may still be in hospital for the day of her birthday as the doctor says he could be in up to 7 days. It's a shoulder op but it is relatively minor. Although I think my DD might be worrying about her dad as they are very close and she's been reading the risks forms.

Neither or my children nor DD boyfriend can drive.

She hasn't let us celebrate in 6 years due to mental health issues caused by PTSD after an incident on her 14th birthday.

I will be looking into a taxi to travel to the restaurant with the rest of my family as H can't risk being knocked or bumped on his shoulder.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 13:35

Graduation ceremonies for other people are boring, but that doesn't mean they aren't important.

Taxi to the restaurant is the best option. If she's had bad reactions to her birthday, they you do need to make an effort this time round.

Original poster
Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 13:38

University is over 100miles from home for anyone asking

OP posts:
Inertia · 30/05/2013 13:49

That's OK, trains cover distances of more than 100 miles.

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 13:52

yep, train would be best.

And long term, you really, really need to look at learning to drive, particularly if you aren't comfortable with using public transport. It does seem strange that you don't drive and the alternatives to driving to these events hasn't occurred to you. What if something happened to your DH and he had to stop driving for good? Would you be stranded? You really need to get used to using public transport and/or learn to drive because otherwise you could end up very isolated, esp as your DCs are growing up and might not settle close to you.

Inertia · 30/05/2013 13:54

Graduation ceremonies often are boring, simply because the bulk of the time is taken up celebrating people who are not your child. But parents sit through that for the couple of minutes it takes to recognise the hard work and effort that their child has put in for the last three years. Most parents also meet their child's friends, go to some kind of departmental gathering to talk to lecturers and tutors, have a celebratory meal or drink.

Your DD might say she's not bothered, to try to protect your feelings- but trust me, when she's the one graduating with no family around while everyone else is whisked off for lunch and posing proudly for family photos, she'll feel it.

LoopyLooplaHoop · 30/05/2013 13:58

YABVU.

Go to the bloody graduation. Yes, they are boring, but to hear that your parents can't be bothered to go because they aren't fans of public transport, then for them to use the same flimsy reason to cancel your birthday meal would be a horrible thing to hear.

I should know. And I've not forgiven them.

SueDnym · 30/05/2013 14:01

There are things called buses too. Google National Express.

WeAreEternal · 30/05/2013 14:02

Out of interest OP, how is your DD getting back to university for her graduation??

Original poster
Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 14:25

She wasn't going to go her graduation even though she's booked into the ceremony. It's 3 trains to get there, as its a very small out of the way university (may out myself saying that) and national express don't go close enough to the town to get there.

OP posts:
LoopyLooplaHoop · 30/05/2013 14:27

Was she not going because she would be alone and sad?

CouthyMow · 30/05/2013 14:30

Train?

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 14:33

Going to the graduation when all your friends will be there with their parents, going out for lunch, having photos taken and being fussed over would be dull and rather crap. I'd offer to go get the train with her. It might be fun for you both to go. A long train journey on your own is rubbish, a long train journey with someone to chat too and have a laugh with is usually much more appealing.

If your DD has had MH issues that has stoped her celebrating her birthdays I think you need to put more effort in, not less.

CouthyMow · 30/05/2013 14:33

I can't drive. I'm disabled. My Dbro's graduation isn't just 10 miles up the road, it's 200 miles away.

Wild horses wouldn't keep me away, and that's not even one of my DC's. I will be getting a bus to the train station, a train to Norwich, and then a bus or taxi at the other end.

If I can travel 200 mikes away to attend my Dbro's graduation, what the friff reason can you have for not attending your DD's graduation just 10 mikes away? Bus, Train, Taxi, all perfectly viable options!!

neunundneunzigluftballons · 30/05/2013 14:34

Oh my God YABVVVVVU not travelling to your daughters graduation. If I had to move heaven and earth I would be there to cheer on my daughter's massive accomplishments. No wonder your daughter is peed of with you. Also the birthday thing is ludacrious given the nature of the surgery.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2013 14:35

3 trains?

Some people take 3 trains to work every day

It's really not a big deal

handcream · 30/05/2013 14:37

It always amazes me how many people dont drive and still expect people to pick them up, drop them off etc just because they havent bothered to learn! A close relative is like this. Says they have never needed to learn... I work with a couple of men whose wives dont drive and they have to drive them around literally everywhere.

Growing up we didnt have a car and living in London meant it wasnt too difficult to get around. But if you choose NOT to drive then there are trains, buses, taxi's, walking etc.

CouthyMow · 30/05/2013 14:39

HollyBerryBush - nope, it's not pointless to advocate taxis etc.

If the DH's health isn't up to the travelling, get someone in to sit with him, and the OP travel to the graduation and have a meal with her DD.

The OP needs to put her DD first here.

I'm having to find childcare for 4 DC's, 3 with SN's, one who cannot attend any MS childcare, so that I can attend my Dbro's graduation. And my parents can't do it, as they will be there. I have asked my Ex MIL to look after the two little ones, and the two oldest ones are going to a friend.

If I can go to that effort for my Dbro, why the hell won't the OP for her DD?! Confused

OP, YABU. Put your DD first here.

Manchesterhistorygirl · 30/05/2013 14:47

I think yabvu OP. your poor daughter, does she always come last in your family?

Take it husband has legs and his other arm? He can go to the meal too, he just needs to be careful and he can go to the graduation. Same thing.