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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DD?

167 replies

Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 02:28

At the end of June my PFB is turning 21 she also graduates from university just two days after her birthday I feel incredibly old and my H and I were planning on taking her, her boyfriend and our DS(18) out for a meal to celebrate at her favourite restaurant in the city about 10 miles from our home town on her birthday.

However, H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op meaning we'll be unlikely to make her graduation ceremony and will be unlikely to be able to take our family out for the meal.

This is the first time in 6 years DD has allowed us to celebrate her birthday as she is really funny about being centre of attention and doesn't like receiving presents (long story which could take up a whole other thread) so I asked DD if we could move the meal until after her dad was able to drive again which is likely to be mid-late July she said no as it "its not my birthday then". I'm quite hurt by this and I feel she's being unreasonably selfish due to her dads health.

So is she being unreasonable and selfish for not accepting the proposed plans or am I to want to move the meal until later in the year?

OP posts:
Lolapink · 30/05/2013 14:48

Neither my H or I drive, we are both visually impaired. We manage to get every where without a car. Sometimes we have to pay for a taxi. It really annoys me when people say they can't, go somewhere because they can't drive. I wouldn't miss my DD graduation or 21st. Surely you can leave your husband at home and go by yourself.

TheBigJessie · 30/05/2013 14:50

So, she doesn't like birthdays. You've drip-fed that there's a very good reason for that. After 7 years, she agreed to celebrate it with you.
You've had to cancel (for perhaps good reasons).

So you've asked her to move the celebration a few weeks. And you've discovered that her apparent recovery from the previous events isn't total, and she isn't willing to go through a birthday celebration (when she bloody hates them) just for the sake of it, that isn't even on the appropriate day.

Seriously, do you think calling her "selfish" is the right way to go here, when according to you she has PTSD about birthdays? Did you actually say this to her face?

It sounds like a major reason why she agreed to having a birthday celebration was for your sake. If someone does something as a favour for you, it's generally not a good idea to then ask for something else on top, you know? Comes across as a bit "selfish". And, dare I say it? Entitled.

BackforGood · 30/05/2013 14:50

Come on OP, please come back and answer some of the questions.

Why aren't you going to her graduation ? Shock No wonder she is upset. You could go by train or coach or get a friend or family member to drive you.
Why can't you go by public transport and/or taxi to the meal?
or
Move the meal somewhere closer to home?
or,
(obviously not knowing what the op is) is moving the op back a few weeks feasible ? I know my cancer surgeon would always rather you took a planned holiday or attended a planned event if it was important to you and then he'd operate a couple of weeks later.

CouthyMow · 30/05/2013 14:51

The meal is a bit different - I would send her a LOVELY present to reach her on the actual day, so that she can have it then and not have to wait - you can Skype to see her open it - and then arrange a meal afterwards.

But the graduation? You HAVE to be there.

Seriously, sort out Skype, and don't make her wait a month for her present, if you Skype then both you AND your DH get to see her open it, and give her best wishes on her birthday.

I'm guessing that it is a big thing for her to feel ready to celebrate her birthday again, after whatever happened on her 14th, and she is cross that you aren't able to support her with this next step in her recovery?

I do feel that this possibly is a big step for her, and she possibly feels like she built herself up to this being the first birthday in years that she could enjoy, with her family around her, and it probably feels like a backwards step for that not to happen.

I would try to have a meal with her, on the day, as it obviously IS a big deal to her to take this step of feeling ready to celebrate her birthday again. If it means that your DH has to miss it, then so be it, for your DD's sake, I think.

You could always have ANOTHER meal at a different time, that your DH can attend, as a graduation meal? Or just as a celebration meal?

I do think that this is obviously important to your DD to have you there on her birthday, given what you have said about her MH and an incident on her 14th birthday.

BackforGood · 30/05/2013 14:53

Sorry - missed a lot of posts there (have had a few windows open Blush), but yes, I still think YABU. I think you are sending a message to her that she very much comes last in your priorities.
Of course graduation ceremonies are boring, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't move hell and high water to be there for my dc, showing them how proud I was of them.

SweetSeraphim · 30/05/2013 14:54

3 trains is nothing really OP. I took 3 trains last Sat to take my ds somewhere special for a treat. I think you need to make much more of an effort here.

Lolapink · 30/05/2013 14:59

Yabu 3 trains is nothing, my husband does that every day to get to work and he is blind!

Bearbehind · 30/05/2013 15:00

I can't believe that your daughter hasn't wanted to celebrate her birthday since an incident on her 14th birthday and, 7 years on, when she has actually decided she feels abe to, you can't be arsed to make a few sacrifices to ensure it happens on her actual birthday. YABVVVVU.

sweetestcup · 30/05/2013 15:14

I don't understand how you were so matter of fact about it being unlikely you would go to graduation in your first post and then suddenly say you may now get a taxi, you haven't really addressed points people have been making.

As to whether it is important parents attend or not all I can think is its a step in my child's life I would like to share with them, just like my Mum did with mine. I would have been upset if she couldn't have been there, but obviously totally understood if it had been unavoidable. Not bothering with travelling because you don't drive is really not in this category.

TinBox · 30/05/2013 15:19

Oh my god, your daughter has PTSD following something that happened on her birthday, and you are asking her to move the celebration! That's really messed up.

Either she is reluctant to celebrate at all, in which case moving it makes it even more awkward for her, or the day really means a lot to her emotionally, in which case moving it is bizarre and cruel!

Do something special on the day. If her graduation is important to her (it probably is) then go. And learn to drive!

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 30/05/2013 15:34

YABU
My Dad chose not to attend my graduation (he went on holiday - despite knowing the date of my graduation - well the week it would be in - for 3 years!).
I am still very upset by it now, 8 years later.
I had worked so hard at Uni, and all I wanted was for my family to be there when I graduated. It felt horrible being the only one there who's Dad didn't turn up, I felt like he wasn't proud of what I had achieved. It definitely damaged my relationship with him.
Please go to her graduation. I am sure a friend or relative would help you to get there. Graduating is a once in a life time event for most people.

As for her 21st, find a way to celebrate. Either go by train to the original place, or book something closer to home. I agree with your DD there is no point celebrating weeks after the big day.

Jan49 · 30/05/2013 15:43

OP, I think it really comes down to what your DD wants and you making an effort to be there if she wants you to be for both the graduation and birthday.

Lots of people have posted about how important or unimportant their graduation ceremony was for them. I think if your DD's is important to her and she wants you there, you should make the effort. The birthday celebration is even more easily achieved as it's close to home.

saintlyjimjams · 30/05/2013 16:02

I'm not really understanding the problem with 3 trains. Or a taxi. Go to both.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2013 16:30

Most have said everything that needs to be said.

YABU. With bells on.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/05/2013 16:37

I would walk to attend my DC graduation if I had to.
Yes, they are boring but that's not the point. You have no excuse not to attend and the fact that you are asking if DD is BU speaks volumes Hmm

DuchessFanny · 31/05/2013 13:48

The fact your DD has PTSD and is feeling ready and able to celebrate her birthday after all these years and make new nice memories trumps everything else for me.
Can I ask what your DH thinks of it all ? Does he also think her selfish ?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 31/05/2013 13:49

It's funny that you refer to her as your perfect first born.

I should think she couldn't feel further away from that.

It astounds me that you could even momentarily think she was the unreasonable one.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/05/2013 14:22

So for MH reasons your DD hasn't been able to face celebrating her birthday for years and when she finally finds the courage to face it and then you want to change it. I'm glad you are looking into taxis.

If she is going to her graduation then you should too no matter how much hassle it is. It is her day and you should be there for her.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2013 17:26

PFB ?

I would hate to think how you would treat someone that you didn't like very much....

holidaysarenice · 31/05/2013 19:25

Not going to a childs graduation = not worthy to parent.

Gradduations are all about parents. Its about saying thank you. My dad couldn't be at mine, I felt that so hard. He died suddenly 11 months before.

In a few years ill graduate a second time, I will still raise my glass that day.

If you don't move earth to be there, you are a waste. Full stop

DrHolmes · 31/05/2013 20:33

I think that even if you say she isn't bothered about her graduation (at the moment) she will be on the day when she walks onto the stage and everyone is clapping and she is handed her scroll. If you weren't there imagine how she would feel. Really, I think YABU.
Get a taxi, don't even consider the faff about on 3 trains. It's a big day and then her 21st so i think you should just pay a taxi and make it easier on all of you. And organise the meal too.
If your husband can't make it then you could have another wee celebration: take away and some drinks and a nice evening in altogether when he is recovered or something?

OutOfCheeseError · 31/05/2013 20:51

My 83 year old grandfather, who was in a wheelchair, had heart disease and lung cancer, made it to my graduation. Unless there's a really massive drip-feed coming, I think you really could make the effort to go to your daughter's.

SquinkiesRule · 31/05/2013 20:55

YABU about the graduation, get National express as close as possible to the Uni then a taxi. Theres always a way.
What about doing her birthday dinner right before he goes in for his OP, that way your Dh can be there too.

TarkaTheOtter · 31/05/2013 20:58

Sorry for the hijack op but, if your still reading couthy, there are regular, accessible buses from norwich train station to university so you shouldn't need a taxi.

hackmum · 31/05/2013 20:59

Bearbehind: "I can't believe that your daughter hasn't wanted to celebrate her birthday since an incident on her 14th birthday and, 7 years on, when she has actually decided she feels abe to, you can't be arsed to make a few sacrifices to ensure it happens on her actual birthday."

That's how I feel. Under the circs, I would really really want to celebrate her birthday. If DH is too unwell to go, maybe the OP could just cook a nice meal at home instead, with birthday cake and champagne and everything? I think that's what I would do, so that everybody who mattered could be there.

As for the graduation, perhaps the OP is right and it doesn't matter that much to her DD. But for myself, I'd have been heartbroken if my parents hadn't attended mine, and if my daughter ever graduates, as I hope she will, then wild horses wouldn't keep me away.