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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DD?

167 replies

Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 02:28

At the end of June my PFB is turning 21 she also graduates from university just two days after her birthday I feel incredibly old and my H and I were planning on taking her, her boyfriend and our DS(18) out for a meal to celebrate at her favourite restaurant in the city about 10 miles from our home town on her birthday.

However, H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op meaning we'll be unlikely to make her graduation ceremony and will be unlikely to be able to take our family out for the meal.

This is the first time in 6 years DD has allowed us to celebrate her birthday as she is really funny about being centre of attention and doesn't like receiving presents (long story which could take up a whole other thread) so I asked DD if we could move the meal until after her dad was able to drive again which is likely to be mid-late July she said no as it "its not my birthday then". I'm quite hurt by this and I feel she's being unreasonably selfish due to her dads health.

So is she being unreasonable and selfish for not accepting the proposed plans or am I to want to move the meal until later in the year?

OP posts:
frownyface · 30/05/2013 07:52

if your husband has the same sort of luck i do then bear in mind the date for the op may change at the last minute.

I was very poorly for my 21st-in the middle of a four month hospital stay in london. I was allowed home for the weekend but I was very weak and wheelchair bound. All my family are in cardiff (i live in berks) and they all came to celebrate with me at home. On that basis I think you should make more of an effort, both for the graduation and the birthday celebration.

frownyface · 30/05/2013 07:53

YABVU!

DeskPlanner · 30/05/2013 07:58

Pointless posting on this thread anymore, op won't be back.Hmm

saintlyjimjams · 30/05/2013 08:01

Why can't you go to her graduation? I can understand your husband might not be up to spending a couple of hours on a hard chair, depending on the op, but surely you could go?

Taxi to the restaurant? Or special meal at home if your husband is too ill to go to a restaurant.

Buzzardbird · 30/05/2013 08:03

It depends a little on the type of surgery he is having but I can't see why you can't be there for your dd?
you say yourself that it is the first time in 6 years that she wants to celebrate so it is obviously a massive deal for her. "self obsessed"...she sounds quite the opposite actually.
unless the Op is to join you at the hip you should be there.

doublecakeplease · 30/05/2013 08:05

I don't drive and travel more than 10 miles each way to work! Get a taxi, bus, train, cadge a lift.... Just get there!

loopyluna · 30/05/2013 08:10

Yabu to miss the graduation and why can't you have a meal without your H on her big day, then another family meal to celebrate his recovery and DD's belated birthday?
I'm sure there's some other possible form of transport available?

Inertia · 30/05/2013 08:15

You are being very unreasonable not going to your DD's graduation just because neither of you can drive ! Obviously if your husband is having an operation because of desperate ill health and will be in ICU at the time it's understandable that you might not be able to leave him. However, he might be going in for something very routine - I'd be gutted if my parents missed my graduation over an ingrowing toenail, say. Why can't you get a train to the university and attend with your son, if your H is not able to go ?

You can get a taxi to the restaurant for the birthday meal.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/05/2013 08:30

You can't drive? What a pathetic excuse for missing your daughter's graduation. I'm not surprised she's pissed off. "Of course I'll come to your graduation dear.......... just as long as it requires absolutely no effort on my part!"

CSIJanner · 30/05/2013 08:51

Going on what youve written in the original OP, YABU

Okay - let's say that the operation can't be rescheduled as you've waited an age for it. Does your DH need post-operative care at home? You haven't said if you'd be needed there to care for him. If he doesn't, why don't you and DS go to see your DD graduate? Or even DH if he can catch the train and doesn't need to stay home due to potential complications.

Say you do that, then book yourself into a nice hotel where yu can be looked after and then take DD to a restaurant for her birthday. I think the significant thing here is that she hasn't let you celebrate it for 6 years. This is probably a big step for her and even though she's aware of her DF's medical reasons, she's probably to upset to see past the fact that two huge milestones in her life are being ignored at the time.

FredFredGeorge · 30/05/2013 08:57

YABU she sounds like she really doesn't like celebrating birthdays, but had agreed to celebrate this one because it meant something to you, but it's rather different from celebrating it on her birthday and doing it on a random date after and it's just become too much silliness for her to bother with. If she doesn't like celebrating them, celebrating on a random date is even worse.

I also don't get why anyone would care if their parents were at their graduation... but I suspect it's heavily biased towards your attitude to formal education.

Jan49 · 30/05/2013 08:58

It seems strange to me that you're basing your decision on your DH being unable to drive. Unless he's too ill for you to leave him, then you can go to the graduation alone if necessary and offer to have a meal out with your DD and her BF without your DH if he can't come. Use public transport, maybe get a lift from another family going to the graduation if needed, and your DH can come with you if he's able.

As for your DD, well if you're telling her you can't go to her graduation because you're not willing to get on a train or use a taxi, then I'd expect her to be disappointed. If your DH isn't well enough for the meal out, then you could suggest to her that you have the meal out without him, but him being able to drive or not is not the point. You could choose a restaurant nearer to home or get a taxi for 10 miles if necessary. Your DD is only BU if she expects your DH to attend the events when he's too ill to.

I'm amazed at the people who would crawl on their hands and knees practically to go to their child's graduation. My ds graduates this year and I feel obliged to go but don't want to. It's one of the most boring things you'll ever do. My ds will probably quite like it but I hope it doesn't come in the category of special things you remember for the rest of your life. I'd hope his life would hold much better memories than that. I went to my own graduation reluctantly and resentfully because a family member made a big fuss about wanting to go, but my personal choice would have been not to go.

MrsBB1982 · 30/05/2013 09:00

From experience being unable to drive for 2-3 weeks post op suggests a relatively minor op. Understandable if DH doesn't feel up to going out but I'd have been gutted if my parents missed my graduation and 21st birthday.

It seems particulalry important to OPs DD as she said she hasn't celebrated her birthday in 6 years or want to be the centre of attention. These two events clearly mean a lot to her and she wants her family there.

BAUagent · 30/05/2013 09:11

It does sound like you could be making more of an effort, but without knowing the details of the op and how your DH will be recovering it's hard to say how unreasonable you are being. I agree with others that there is nothing to stop you celebrating in your home even if DH is very unwell, and nothing to stop you attending the ceremony by begging/borrowing a lift through/using public transport. However, I agree with another poster however about the fact that graduation ceremonies are very dull - I've had two, and had real issues with divorced parents, siblings, partner wanting to come when I really wasn't that fussed - I'd happily have attended myself (or not) and then celebrated afterwards with a meal or drinks. But I suppose we are all different, and I would have been upset if my family and loved ones had let it go by like a non - event and made no effort to celebrate with me and offer congratulations to mark the end of a long slog of studying!

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 09:12

YABU - you should attend the gradutation (I point blankly refuse to believe you are unable to get there if your DH isn't driving) and you should also do something for her actual birthday, either a closer restaurant that doesn't require driving too or get a taxi to the one you want to go to.

Graduation and 21st are important milestones, you need to make some effort.

But most of all, if you are really that reliant on your DH driving that you can't go anywhere or do anything without being driven by him, then you really need to learn to drive!

sashh · 30/05/2013 09:14

Let me get this right.

Your dh won't be able to drive but will have been out of hospital for a week so could probably be driven.

Does dd, her bf or your ds drive?

There seems to be no logical reason to not get a taxi, or a train/bus and go to both graduation and her birthday.

It's 21, it's a big deal, it will never happen again.

Is the reason she doesn't celebrate because things like this happen and spoil her birthdays?

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 09:15

BTW - your DD normally doesn't like celebrations but wants for these, this must mean she thinks these are important. If you cancel on her, do not complain when she leads the rest of her life with not inviting you for any events.

Still18atheart · 30/05/2013 09:20

Ok I'm 21 and I'm graduating from uni this year.

On one hand YANBU Birthday is just that a birthday and I couldn't give a dickies what I did for it so long as i w as with the ones i loved. Whether it's a meal at home or in a restaurant.

However

YABU as I would throw the World's Biggest Fit if my mother decided not to show up at my graduation. And I've flown off the handle bars for much smaller things towards my mum in the past

Nokidshere · 30/05/2013 09:27

Good god... I hope my children don't grow up as selfish as you lot? If my present to my child was a family occasion but their dad needed an op - that of course might be serious or one that he has been on a waiting list for a very long time for - even now as young teens they would say "it's ok mum lets wait for dad to be fit to be with us and enjoy it"

For the graduation I would go alone and find someone to stay with dh.

glendatheveryexcitedwitch · 30/05/2013 09:31

I would do everything possible to get to my children's graduations - maybe boring as hell but its such an accomplishment for them but also for us as parents to have brought up such clever children who we have taught there is more to life than sitting on their arse claiming benefits and knocking kids out left right and centre!!! I hope when I eventually graduate in 2 1/2 yrs time at the grand old age of 40 my kids, hubbie, dad and anyone else who matters will either come to the ceremony or to the big fuck off party I'm going to have!!!

Birthdays come around every year and you can make that up to her but graduation is once in a lifetime!!!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 30/05/2013 09:35

It all depends on the operation really. I was in no fit state to travel anywhere 2 weeks after my hospital release (3 weeks after op)

I'd insist my DH would go without me though (and take lots of pictures)

Euclase · 30/05/2013 09:35

YABVU !

I'd be Angry if I was your DD. Graduations are a once in a lifetime thing as is her 21st !

I personally don't understand how anyone can not want to learn to drive but hey ho that's my opinion. For 10 miles I'd pay for a taxi. Birthday meal, provided H was well enough, group taxi to favourite restaurant.

AaDB · 30/05/2013 09:41

YABVU and unreasonably selfish.

21st and graduation = you should be there. You should think up a way to make this up to her.

Not driving is no excuse for opting out.

grumpyinthemorning · 30/05/2013 10:02

We don't know how serious an operation your Dh is having, so it's hard to say. But at 21 your DD is an adult. Surely she understands that things don't always work out how you want. Yes, these are big milestones, but if you really can't go, then she just has to accept that. From your OP she's comong across as a bit naive and spoilt tbh.

Mia4 · 30/05/2013 10:05

Aside from everything else why does she need to 'move her birthday?' Does that mean you told her your couldn't come, she had a tantrum and yelled at you for not being able or does it mean she said she was still going out to celebrate her birthday anyway?

If it's the former, she's being bratty but if it's the latter...were you suggesting she cancel her plans and wait for you? In which case YABU, she can still go outwith everyone else and celebrate, just do it privately again with you later.