AIBU or is my DD?

[Catloverandmum]

At the end of June my PFB is turning 21 she also graduates from university just two days after her birthday I feel incredibly old and my H and I were planning on taking her, her boyfriend and our DS(18) out for a meal to celebrate at her favourite restaurant in the city about 10 miles from our home town on her birthday.

However, H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op meaning we'll be unlikely to make her graduation ceremony and will be unlikely to be able to take our family out for the meal.

This is the first time in 6 years DD has allowed us to celebrate her birthday as she is really funny about being centre of attention and doesn't like receiving presents (long story which could take up a whole other thread) so I asked DD if we could move the meal until after her dad was able to drive again which is likely to be mid-late July she said no as it "its not my birthday then". I'm quite hurt by this and I feel she's being unreasonably selfish due to her dads health.

So is she being unreasonable and selfish for not accepting the proposed plans or am I to want to move the meal until later in the year?

So, she has battled MH problems through a degree course, and eventually feels ready to celebrate a birthday (not just any birthday,her 21st) and you 'can't' get there, because DH isn't driving?

Bollocks, sorry but it is, not surprised she said 'no thanks' when you suggested 'bumping' her birthday, and totally missing her graduation.

I would be singing from the roof tops if my DD had overcome so much and done so well, why aren't you?

Was PFB a dig at her too?

Graduating and turning 21? That is massive. I would have to be strapped to a gurney not to go - mind you DD1 is only 7 so a while to go. Whatever the backstory/previous angst, please go.

When i graduated, my Dad and stepmum caught 2 trains and a flight followed by 2 buses to be there. They chose to spend hundreds of pounds on flights, travel and hotels because they were just so damn proud and wanted to be there. I may not have been that fussed about the ceremony, but to know the effort and expense they went to to see that 1 minute walk across a stage is s

If it's something moveable, like a hernia say, you're being VU and will regret it forever. At the very least, you should leave your partner and travel yourself. She needs to see you making the effort. Hard enough for her not to have her dad there.

(sorry) something I will never forget. And I remember talking about it at my stepmums funeral. The love and determintation that distance would never keep them away. Priceless. Your daughter will appreciate it.

As for her birthday, to quote someone else:
So, she has battled MH problems through a degree course, and eventually feels ready to celebrate a birthday (not just any birthday,her 21st) and you 'can't' get there, because DH isn't driving?

Bollocks, sorry but it is, not surprised she said 'no thanks' when you suggested 'bumping' her birthday, and totally missing her graduation.

This. YABU. I'm glad you're having a rethink.

I feel a bit sorry for the OP. She sounds a bit like my mum- has social phobia and cant manage to make journey's without someone else but I know she loves me with all her heart and would never let me down simply because she couldn't be bothered. Maybe its the same for the OP?

Yabu. I didn't want to go to my graduation got a shit degree but my mum insisted. I'm glad she did, it really is a once in a Life time experience for both of you. She may Say she's not bothered about going but I bet she is, or will be on the day. 100 miles is nothing, and your dh op is minor. Get a train / taxi / bus / lift, do anything but don't miss it. As for her birthday why would she want to celebrate it a few weeks later? Again taxi / bus / train, change venue etc. so many options yet it seems like you can't be arsed to make the effort. Should your dh be having an Unplanned emergency major op like a triple by pass you may Have a valid reason, but He isn't, so you don't.

Fut- OP has not said anything about having social phobia herself.

She also has called her daughter "unreasonable and selfish"

Would your mother say this about you?

She probably would if she was having a hard time of things.

That's a shame.

I would have thought that if the OP did have social phobia, or similar mental health difficulties, that she would have some empathy for her daughter, who for the first time in 6 years after battling her own mental health difficulties of PTSD is brave enough to do something to celebrate on the day of her 21st birthday, and not call her selfish for wanting to do so.

But as I said before, I am glad that the OP has listened to the responses and is looking into getting a taxi.

YABVU.
If your DH is unwell/ recovering from an operation find another way of getting to her graduation on your own. Taxi, train, bus, coach.(I'm assuming your DH isn't your carer as you didn't mention any disabilities yourself).
As for 10 mile trip to have family meal - again, if your DH is unwell after OP and housebound, have a 'do' at home, locally or get a taxi, lift yourself.
You would be very unfair to your DD to cancel both occasions.

Dear god.

Your daughter has worked hard through mental health problems and is opening up to you, asking you to be there with her.

And you're too lazy to get there for her.

Its a shoulder op not life changing surgery that involves extreme bed rest. Get a grip and be there for your daughter for once.

oh dear, I was also a brat at that age. She'll get better.

you can't go to the graduation and the party will have to wait. She sucks it up.

special why can't the OP go? She's not had an operation.

Really specialsubject

You haven't really read the thread properly, have you specialsubject?

Reading threads properly isn't your special subject is it specialsubject?