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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DD?

167 replies

Catloverandmum · 30/05/2013 02:28

At the end of June my PFB is turning 21 she also graduates from university just two days after her birthday I feel incredibly old and my H and I were planning on taking her, her boyfriend and our DS(18) out for a meal to celebrate at her favourite restaurant in the city about 10 miles from our home town on her birthday.

However, H needs an operation and he will going into hospital a week before her birthday. I cannot drive and H will be unable to drive for 2-3weeks after his op meaning we'll be unlikely to make her graduation ceremony and will be unlikely to be able to take our family out for the meal.

This is the first time in 6 years DD has allowed us to celebrate her birthday as she is really funny about being centre of attention and doesn't like receiving presents (long story which could take up a whole other thread) so I asked DD if we could move the meal until after her dad was able to drive again which is likely to be mid-late July she said no as it "its not my birthday then". I'm quite hurt by this and I feel she's being unreasonably selfish due to her dads health.

So is she being unreasonable and selfish for not accepting the proposed plans or am I to want to move the meal until later in the year?

OP posts:
lljkk · 31/05/2013 20:59

Am on the fence...

If OP's husband really can't risk bumping his shoulder then he shouldn't travel on bumpy train, either. Or could OP go on train with the other DS and without her DH (but could OP's DH manage without OP).

mrscog · 31/05/2013 20:59

I didn't want to go to my graduation, my parents forced me, it was a waste of time and a waste of a day's annual leave so if your DD doesn't want to go then I wouldn't force her!

LittleMissLucy · 31/05/2013 21:07

I didn't want to go to mine either and I didn't go, as a result. Boring waste of time, silly hats, blank pieces of paper.

BridgetBidet · 31/05/2013 22:13

When I got married my mother begged her consultant to bring her mastectomy forward a few weeks and then 4 weeks afterwards traveled from London to Ireland to see me get married.

OP this is the rub. If it really meant something to you and you really wanted to be there you would find a way. The fact you won't just shows you're not that bothered, that's the reason why your daughter is upset. She knows you just can't really be arsed.

BridgetBidet · 31/05/2013 22:14

Could you not ask the hospital if the op can be moved? If you explain the circs they might do it.

cerealqueen · 31/05/2013 22:25

Sounds to me like it is a big thing for your DD having a birthday celebration, your DD must have come a long way, dealing with mental health issues and PTSD so she may have really been focussing on this event and now you are saying it has to be moved?

I think you need to think again on this. Its a huge deal to her and not to you, on the face of it.

MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 22:32

I wouldn't be so bothered about the birthday. A nice present, a good night in with the family etc can be enough. On my 21st I had a nice meal and drink at the local pub with Mum when up in College. It's the thought that counts on your birthday, I think.

The graduation however, I wouldn't miss for the world. I am one of those people who says, 'I don't mind, I don't care about it' when I just don't want others to have to go out of their way for me, if it's inconvenient for them. It sounds like your DD is doing the same. Perhaps she thinks you'll not turn up anyway, so what's the point in asking to have you up?

FWIW I am visually impaired and my partner is blind and we both travelled 100 miles, 3 trains and £79 every 2 weeks or even sometimes every week to see eachother when I was in College one time I went down, next time he went up. That was our dedication to seeing eachother.

I also made sure I went to my sisters and Dad's graduation. Like the lady above mentioned as a partially sighted person I have to use taxis, book assistance on trains and have to make more of a conscious effort with the buggy around town and it bugs me when others complain about struggling to travel/can't drive. You have the choice to drive, I don't.

But I am not saying you are a bad person or a bad mother, I just think you're looking at this wrong and just need some perspective. I think you have been slated too readily on this thread. But I do think YABU.

Bearbehind · 31/05/2013 22:48

This isn't about what other people would prefer. It seems to me OP's daughter has said she's not fussed about the graduation but does want to celebrate her birthday. That is what the OP should be focusing on.

Some people might think the graduation is more important than the birthday but it is down personal preference. It is about making sure her daughter is happy- which, at the minute, seems a long way down the OP's list of priorities.

mynewpassion · 31/05/2013 23:03

If she is not fussed with you going to her graduation then that's fine but don't blow off her birthday dinner.

LittleMissLucy · 01/06/2013 01:36

You know, maybe its just time for the OP's daughter to bloody well grow up. BIRTHDAYS. Such a fuss. I honestly don't get it.

I think the OP is right to focus on her DH and his hospital visit and celebrating as a family later on.

ItsDecisionTime · 01/06/2013 03:54

If I were in your position, I'd try to get to the graduation by public transport and then perhaps give her some money towards having a party/dinner with her friends on the night of her 21st. Then organise a nice post-birthday dinner when hubby is up to it. There can be some nasty people/martyrs on here and you should just take some of it with a pinch of salt and a Brew !!

mynewpassion · 01/06/2013 04:29

LittleMissLucy, if you read the thread, the daughter has, for over the last 6 years, have strenuously encouraged her family to NOT celebrate her birthdays because of a trauma related to her 14th birthday. She was diagnosed with PTSD, according to the OP.

So this is the first time in 6 years that the daughter has allowed for her birthday to be acknowledge and it only involved a dinner at her favorite restaurant. This is a huge step for her and her mother, the OP, has decided to postpone it instead of going to the dinner, 10 miles away. Yes, its sad that the dad won't be there because he can't drive but the OP, her son, and her DD's bf can help at least acknowledge it. The DD can do something later with her dad after he heals.

LittleMissLucy · 01/06/2013 06:03

I read the beginning when it started, got bored (sorry) bogged down in the middle and came back at the end.
Nothing more to say on this one. Seems all a bit over-hashed to me.

Montybojangles · 01/06/2013 06:19

Wow. I feel so Sad for your daughter. I too used to pretend things weren't that important to make it easier for others. I wonder if that's what your daughter is doing with regard the graduation?

Please, please make the effort to go to her graduation.

And just get a cab for the birthday. I can't see why your DH can't come along post op either if d/c from hospital, just ask the taxi driver to drive carefully. I can't imagine it's 10 miles of bumpy farm track you will be travelling.

rootypig · 01/06/2013 06:33

I too used to pretend things weren't that important to make it easier for others. I wonder if that's what your daughter is doing with regard the graduation?

Great post, Monty. I still pretend things aren't important because it's less painful than trying to open up and feel close to people, and feeling more alone than ever when they let you down.

I would hazard that's what OP's DD is feeling and I'm not surprised, given how ready her mother is to accuse her of being selfish.

OP your DD has agreed to celebrate her birthday ie celebrate herself for the first time in years, because she's had PTSD - this is so obviously a painful and vulnerable exercise for her - and you are shelving it for your DH's minor shoulder surgery? her 21st birthday. And you can't be arsed to make a fuss of her graduation. And you are on here wondering what is going on. Essentially - are you fucking kidding me? Angry

sashh · 01/06/2013 07:10

What Monty and Rooty said.

Also if dh really isn't fit to travel could you ask the restaurant to do a take away? Set the table at home and get them to deliver by taxi? I've asked restaurant to do things they don't normally when it has been for a special reason.

TentativeWhistleBlower · 01/06/2013 07:37

My parents travelled the full length of the country to get to my graduation. My cousin's parents travelled over from Australia to get to their DDs graduation. Just saying.

tumbletumble · 01/06/2013 07:51

DH having a minor shoulder op would never keep me away from my DC's graduation or 21st birthday.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 01/06/2013 10:05

FFS!! It's shoulder surgery. He has the use of his legs and other hand/arm. People have MAJOR surgery everyday and some leave hospital with no-one to care for them and they JUST GET ON WITH IT!!

OP - as others have said - if you really wanted to go then you would. Be honest with yourself and admit that you just don't want too and this has given you the perfect excuse.

EuroShaggleton · 01/06/2013 10:17

I think YABU. These are two things that are really important in her life. You need to find a way to celebrate them with her.

If your husband will be too delicate (and I doubt it - I know someone who has just had shoulder surgery and he was up and about and outside the hospital smoking grrr within a couple of hours of coming round) then you need to figure out transport.

BTW, my mum travelled 150 miles in the middle of chemo and radiotherapy to see me graduate. Not because I pushed for it, but because she wanted to. We didn't stick around for lunch with my coursemates because she wasn't up to that (and had to get back that day for another chemo session the next day), but her being there meant more to me than that.

Concreteblonde · 01/06/2013 10:23

You sound very cold OP.

My little DD already plats down things which are important to her because her arse of a father usually has something better to do on her big occasions. She repeatedly says that it 'doesn't matter' if he misses sports day again as a defence mechanism because it DOES matter and it hurts her so badly.

You need to step up and put your daughter first.

Whoknowswhocares · 01/06/2013 12:43

I can't believe that after 6 years of mental health problems preventing it, that your daughter wanting a family meal would not be recognised as the huge step forward that it is.
In that circumstance I would move heaven and earth to be there. Your oh having a surgery doesn't even come close to the impact that this rejection could have on her recovery. I seriously can't believe you would choose any other course of action than to fit in with her wishes
Poor dd Sad

lljkk · 01/06/2013 13:29

I think OP is getting an unfairly bad time. And definitely people are not reading all her posts properly. Hope you work it out, CatLover.

quoteunquote · 01/06/2013 13:43

we live in devon, all the local taxi services do airport runs to london,

I expect if you ask a local firm for a quote, you may be surprised at the price for a day hirer, so you could make the graduation,

and if you could do the birthday meal at home, then do a restaurant trip when her dad is feeling better, might be a compromise.

or get a taxi.

frogspoon · 01/06/2013 13:45

Originally I would have said that your DD was being unreasonable, for wanting you to have a meal when your DH was just out of hospital and possibly still very unwell.

However, now that you have explained that it is a minor shoulder op, I think you would be very unreasonable to not do her birthday meal. After several years, your daughter is finally recovered enough from her PTSD to agree to do something on her birthday. It is a cause for celebration, in addition to her 21st being a very important milestone for her.

If she is not fussed about the graduation, there is no need for you to go (although check she isn't just saying that because she doesn't want to avoid disappointment when you say no)

I am glad you are now looking into alternative arrangements e.g. taxis, (I assume your DD cannot drive?) and I hope you find an arrangement that makes everyone happy.

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