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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to allow my 12 yo DD to travel unaccompanied?

280 replies

ItsDecisionTime · 29/05/2013 21:27

As part of a pending contact order, ExP who lives in the USA, is asking that our 12 year old DD travels as an unaccompanied minor on her flights from the UK to US (to save him the time and cost of collecting her). It goes against all my parenting instincts on the basis that if anything had to happen on those flights, it would be everyone for themselves. I know people do allow their kids to travel alone but for me, that's just lazy parenting and something I'd only consider in an absolute emergency. She has only just started going into our town on her own but only when she is with a friend. Personally, I can't even contemplate what kind of father would even push for it in court when he knows I'm so set against it.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 30/05/2013 12:17

He's the one who left the country therefore it's up to him maintain contact.

The OP has not confirmed that on this thread - is there a backstory?

thebody · 30/05/2013 12:25

Surely no loving parent would try to force the other parent to do something they were totally uncomfortable with? Or force their child to do likewise.

Yes of course there are posters who travelled half way across the world and changed many times at the age of 6!! Many kids do many things but if the op isn't happy doing this then dad should travel over to see his dd.

TheChaoGoesMu · 30/05/2013 12:56

I would have hated to travel by myself at age 12 for that distance.

Summerloading · 30/05/2013 12:58

YA definitely NBU. So this is what I understand:

Your dd is 12
She's had little contact with her dad between the ages of 6 and 12
he's refused to come to spend time with her in the UK despite her tears and pleas
She's barely able to go into town with a friend
She doesn't want to go

Is dad on his own?
At 12 dd may only just have started her periods (or worse start when she's away). Would she be able to talk to her dad about needing sanitary wear, or if she's stained her clothes or bedding?

She's already nervous about meeting him, and a long flight on her own dreading the arrival would be traumatic and affect her for a long time after.

Your dd has a right to express her wishes, and if she doesn't want to go, should be given a voice.

YANBU.

squeakytoy · 30/05/2013 12:59

it is quite easy to do a search on the ops name to find out some of the back history from her other posts you know....

KittensoftPuppydog · 30/05/2013 13:02

I flew by myself when I was 13. It was great and the stewardesses made a huge fuss of me.

NotaDisneyMum · 30/05/2013 13:05

Surely no loving parent would try to force the other parent to do something they were totally uncomfortable with?

Family court is full of parents who can't agree - if one parent believes one course of action is right for their child, and the other believes a different course of action is best then either they need to compromise, or the courts decide.
Just because one parent disagrees with the other doesn't mean they are 'forcing' the issue.

olgaga · 30/05/2013 13:20

Just because one parent disagrees with the other doesn't mean they are 'forcing' the issue.

It does if it's against the child's wishes.

In this case it seems to be against the child's wishes to travel alone and stay with someone she has barely seen for six years.

I don't see what's wrong with the father coming to this country to spend time with his DD and re-establish the relationship, then perhaps discuss the possibility of a UM flight and holiday in the US next year - if the DD wanted to do that.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 30/05/2013 13:24

"At 12 dd may only just have started her periods (or worse start when she's away). Would she be able to talk to her dad about needing sanitary wear, or if she's stained her clothes or bedding?"

I think we are getting into the realms of the ridiculous now. How hard is it to say to the ex "make sure she has x,y and z sanitary products and show her how to use the washing machine."

It sounds like there are plenty of reasons why she shouldn't be made to go (fears he won't give her back, she doesn't want to, she doesn't know him etc.) but thinking that the UM system is for the lazy and thinking that pubescent girls shouldn't be in the care of a man in case they get embarrassed about period are not good reasons to deny access.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 30/05/2013 13:29

Should all widowers have their pubescent daughters forcibly removed in case they have to deal with a sanitary towel summerloading?

Yours is the barmiest post on this thread. Which is saying something.

DownstairsMixUp · 30/05/2013 13:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NotaDisneyMum · 30/05/2013 14:13

At 12 dd may only just have started her periods (or worse start when she's away). Would she be able to talk to her dad about needing sanitary wear, or if she's stained her clothes or bedding?

How is this different for the OP than if her DD has contact with Dad in the same country, or even the same town as the OP?
I assume you disapprove of all overnight contact for teenage girls with their Dads unless a female chaperone is present in the household?

CMOTDibbler · 30/05/2013 14:16

Downstairs - yes, if the flight is delayed, diverted or whatever the member(s) of staff who are designated to do so will stay with the UM even if that means staying overnight in hotels. They will be with BA (or whoever) staff until physically handed over to the greeting adult on their documents

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2013 14:24

Yep, my brother was diverted in snow to a different city and they stayed with him.

The OP has avoided, unless I missed it, answering whether the ex left the relationship or the country and also whether he called SS or just called her an unfit parent.

BTW OP, not against you being really cautious with contact, just think you are hysterical about UM on flights. I love to know if anything has every happened to any of them. They are so well looked after.

bodiddly · 30/05/2013 14:27

I travelled unaccompanied minor regularly from the age of 10 to America and back as my parents loved in New York. The majority of the time it was fine but, despite what everyone says, things can and do go wrong from time to time. At the age of 11 I was on a flight back to the UK when there was a problem with one of the engines. We were about 3 hours into the flight and the pilot had to turn back. So basically 5-6 hours of flying and we were back in JFK. I was not a good traveller and found the whole flight quite stressful.

Everyone was taken off the plane and given vouchers to spend then after an hour shipped off to a hotel until a new plane was made ready. The minors were taken and put together into a small office (not much bigger than a storage cupboard) and left there for hours. Eventually we were taken to the cafeteria and given a few dollars which wasn't enough to buy a full meal and drink then taken back to the office. We were there for hours and hours while everyone else was at the hotel. Parents were called and some of us were picked up. I, on the other hand was shouted at and told I shouldn't be allowed to fly on a plane as I couldn't get hold of mine. They were in fact on the beach for the day and mobiles hadn't been invented!

We had literally no care from anyone and were not even given a tv to watch. After all that we were then put back on another plane for another long flight. No-one had informed the person meant to be picking me up at the other end so I arrived literally 24 hours later back in the UK with v little money.

I realize this was awful and most likely wouldn't happen now but I would not be happy taking the attitude that nothing can happen. It doesn't have to be life and death for things to go wrong and 12 is still young. I was fairly independent having been to boarding school but still found myself very unnerved by the whole experience.

I'm not saying I wouldn't consider sending my dc alone. However please do bear in mind minors are not the stewards priority when things go wrong or other people on board cause problems.

Spellcheck · 30/05/2013 14:37

I used to travel alone three times a year from boarding school in Wales to London on the train, then to the airport, then on a plane to Spain and back at the end of the holidays from the age of 11. I didn't mind, it was quite an adventure and all the staff looked out for me. It never occurred to me that my parents could be accompanying me.

However, not sure I'd be happy with my eldest 2 (14 and 13) to do it...I don't know why though. I think it's other people I don't trust. Probably a measure of our distrustful society these days, rather than how nice people actually are - because most people really are perfectly nice and would help a child if necessary!

thebody · 30/05/2013 14:52

I just don't see that a 12 year old has to do something she is uncomfortable with or afraid of just to satisfy an adults needs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2013 15:01

thebody it depends whether having a relationship with her father is in her best interests or not. She shouldn't be forced because of his needs. It might be her needs, however. Also, I think someone who is independent should be having that conversation with the DD. If us strangers on the net think OP hates her ex, I think DD has probably worked that out. She may not want to disappoint or hurt her DM.

squeakytoy · 30/05/2013 15:06

"I just don't see that a 12 year old has to do something she is uncomfortable with or afraid of just to satisfy an adults needs"

Seeing a parent is not the same as being made to do a bungee jump though.. at 12 (and by the OPs admission), kids can be strong willed, defiant, and think they know it all..

I wouldnt mind betting that the OP herself projects a lot of her dislike for her husband onto the girl and is hardly going to encourage her to build a relationship with her father. I have seen this happen in many situations where parents have divorced, and also seen the long lasting effect, well into adulthood that this has on the child, and it isnt pleasant.

almapudden · 30/05/2013 15:12

I agree with those posters who have said that there are two issues here which need to be separated out.

If your daughter wants to visit her dad and is happy to travel alone, then the sensible thing to do would be to let her.

However, if she's reluctant to visit him, then at 12, her wishes should be respected - irrespective of whether her father lives in New York or Hartlepool.

I really think that the age at which a child travels alone is down much more to the individual child than any arbitrarily-decided cut-off point. I was quite happy to travel from the Midlands to Exeter on the coach at 11 - in fact, it was a great adventure. I fully understand that not all 11 year olds would be equally happy, though.

thebody · 30/05/2013 15:13

Of course agree there are other issues here am sure of that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2013 15:18

Just from the OP:

"...to save him the time and cost of collecting her...
lazy parenting...
what kind of father..."

He might be a complete shit. Absolutely. However, the DD probably isn't getting a great opportunity to find out if he might be an OK father.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 30/05/2013 15:32

I would worry about a 12 year old becoming upset by severe turbulence and having no one to comfort her.

pinkballetflats · 30/05/2013 16:16

A good parent doesn't refuse to see their child unless it is in their (the parent's) country of residence and a good parent doesn't have minimal contact with their child for 6 years and then demand that child get on a plane and make all the effort.

There is far more to this than meets the eye; but using objection to travelling as a UM is not the way to go in court.

NotaDisneyMum · 30/05/2013 16:22

I would worry about a 12 year old becoming upset by severe turbulence and having no one to comfort her.

I worry about the bus that my 12 yr old DD travels to school on catching fire and DD being frightened.
Is that a reason to object to her travelling to school by bus?

(3 school buses have recently caught fire locally so it's not an irrational fear )

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