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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to allow my 12 yo DD to travel unaccompanied?

280 replies

ItsDecisionTime · 29/05/2013 21:27

As part of a pending contact order, ExP who lives in the USA, is asking that our 12 year old DD travels as an unaccompanied minor on her flights from the UK to US (to save him the time and cost of collecting her). It goes against all my parenting instincts on the basis that if anything had to happen on those flights, it would be everyone for themselves. I know people do allow their kids to travel alone but for me, that's just lazy parenting and something I'd only consider in an absolute emergency. She has only just started going into our town on her own but only when she is with a friend. Personally, I can't even contemplate what kind of father would even push for it in court when he knows I'm so set against it.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 29/05/2013 21:40

She's probably safer on a transatlantic flight on her own than she is getting the bus into town.

Original poster
ItsDecisionTime · 29/05/2013 21:41

She's in bits about it. Part of that is she doesn't want to go anyway. It's NOT about punishing my Ex. He is lazy and falls into the father category of wanting Rights without Responsibilities. They have had minimal contact in the 6 years since he left but we always mutually agreed when we were together that children travelling unaccompanied was not something for us. I appreciate there are lots of parents who think it's a good idea but I don't and that's a fundamental opinion I absolutely believe in. I also don't believe I should be forced to change my parenting beliefs as part of a contact order. Incidentally, he absolutely refuses to spend time with her in the UK despite her pleas and tears.

OP posts:
fastyspeedyfast · 29/05/2013 21:42

I understand how you feel. But dropping your DD off at security, then having Dad pick her up after she's cleared customs... that's safer than going into town on her own. In town, they haven't checked everyone's passports and make a record of their presence. Agree with exexpat, once she's 13 you're going to look v unreasonable.

Goldmandra · 29/05/2013 21:43

Is she able to express her views through CAFCASS?

At 12 years old her wishes should be listened to.

youarewinning · 29/05/2013 21:43

Arf @ "lazy parenting" I cant think of a time when you are less likely to need to actually 'parent' a 12yo on a plane.

"Sit still, watch tv, stay glued to your Nintendo.....oh, you already are"
"Eat your dinner.....oh you already have"
"Dont get lost on the way to the loos"hahahaha
"Dont go anywhere while I nip to the loo"

Its a container. Once in, there nowhere to go til the end.

^^^this Grin

CloudsAndTrees · 29/05/2013 21:46

If she doesn't want to go, then that's another issue entirely, and a much more important one for you to be worrying about.

It's not about changing your parenting beliefs, but when you have two parents who think differently, then sometimes there has to be compromise. That stands whether parents are together or separated, and is a natural consequence of the fact that it takes two people to create a baby.

If your ex is particularly stubborn and cares more about his right to contact being upheld than about your dds fears, then that is a separate problem.

Jinsei · 29/05/2013 21:46

Drip drip drip...

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 21:47

It must be a first for MN-everyone saying YABU, but I bet OP isn't going to change her mind.

fastyspeedyfast · 29/05/2013 21:47

Ah, well, at 12 she is old enough to make her views known to the court and to her father. I think contact orders often violate parents' beliefs. Sad but true.

She might be less nervous about travelling if you encouraged her to feel it's independent and exciting and safe.

But if she doesn't want to see Dad, well, another issue entirely.

ITCouldBeWorse · 29/05/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Remotecontrolduck · 29/05/2013 21:54

Lazy parenting? YABU

You can't get lost on a plane. You take her there, she boards planes, she sits down and watches crap film/sleeps/reads, she gets off at other end where her dad will pick her up. Why would he need to spend a lot of money on a plane ticket to sit next to her while she does these things?

In the highly unlikely event of emergency, cabin crew will help her. Especially as she's an unaccompanied minor.

There is more risk going on a bus to town tbh.

SoozBB · 29/05/2013 22:01

My 2 daughters have travelled to South Africa (to see their Dad and new family) without me since they were 2 and 5. Initially with friends he bought tickets for but then when they were older they flew unaccompanied. Since they are now 15 and 18 they go totally alone. They only go if they want to and they have both missed visits when they didn't want to go for various reasons.

It's different since they are at least going together but they have also been alone too. I think my younger one went alone when she was 13 and I took her to LHR and they looked after her from check in through to the plane. Neither one has ever had a problem with it as it's what they're used to and they have certainly learned how to be independent doing this for the last 12 years or so. I think it has done them good in the long term but also appreciate your concern for your daughter going alone.

There's usually a few kids travelling unaccompanied when I drop them off so she will have others 'in the same boat' along with her. It's always been me who's cried after I wave them through security but it's only because I miss them so much and it's a selfish thing really.

My 18 year old is actually over there as we speak and I waved her off from the front door to travel down to London Euston, get the tubes across to LHR and then find her way through the airport. She's more than happy to do it as she's learned to be confident when travelling over the years. Something my 'step' daughter wouldn't do in a million years as her Dad does everything for her and hasn't taught her to do things for herself!!!! She's now coming very unstuck as univeristy looms in September and she's never done anything for herself....GRRRRRR!

Primafacie · 29/05/2013 22:08

YABU, my nieces did it when they were much smaller and always had a ball. They always said they liked it much better than flying with either of their parents.
Don't complain about your ex not being involved if you hold such strong irrational opinions which restrict his access.

CheckpointCharlie · 29/05/2013 22:12

YANBU at all. I cannot believe that people would let their 12 year old travel to America on their own, I really really can't.

OP how bloody dare he?!?! And if your dd doesn't want to go then it is actually heartbreaking.

MrsOakenshield · 29/05/2013 22:13

gosh, lots of girls at my school flew home unaccompanied for the holidays from a younger age than this!

If your DD doesn't want to go, that is a completely separate thing.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 22:14

Having established that it is perfectly safe and reasonable to put on a plane, and collect at the other end, I think it masks the real reasons of why you don't want her to go (which quite possibly are perfectly reasonable).

MumofMinx · 29/05/2013 22:15

Unlike everyone else I think YANBU

crashdoll · 29/05/2013 22:17

People who wouldn't let their 12 year old travel alone, do you even know what it means if the child is accompanied? They have a chaperone. There is more chance of (god forbid) a child getting knocked down by a car than there is of anything bad happening in an airplane.

Startail · 29/05/2013 22:18

DD1 would have gone and thought it a great adventure. DD2, who is 12 now, would be very nervous if you asked her to spend that long on her own.

PacificDogwood · 29/05/2013 22:19

Is this about the trip? - In that case YABU.

Are your concerns about having your DD with her father who she does not seem to be very close to in a different country, too far away to get her back home easily should it all go pearshaped? - YANBU.

Does she want contact with her father??
If she does, then I don't think your concerns about the travel arrangements should be allowed to be the spanner in the works.

FWIW, I travelled as an unaccopanied minor aged 10 and it was fabulous fun. My parents handed me over to a flight attendant (I mean, literally, I went from my mum's hand to a lovely flight attendant's hand), I had a great transatlantic flight (slept most of the time, ate the rest of it Blush) and was seamlessly handed over to the family member collecting me. 'My' flight attendant never left my side once we were on the ground and right until I found my family.

I think from the tone of your posts the 'unaccompanied' thing is a bit of a red herring wrt to the real issue.

Jinsei · 29/05/2013 22:19

YANBU at all. I cannot believe that people would let their 12 year old travel to America on their own, I really really can't.

Why not, Charlie? Genuine question.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 29/05/2013 22:19

YABU but had you said something like 'AIBU to not force my 12yo to fly to America to see her Dad when she doesn't want to go and she has hardly seen him since she was 6.' then I would be inclined to agree with you. I think it's verging on preposterous to pay for 4 adult flights to accompany a 12 yo back and forth though

TheDetective · 29/05/2013 22:20

YANBU. I really do Hmm at some of the posters on MN.

I would not be happy with my child travelling unaccompanied on a flight. Even under 16, as they are still a minor. It would be a judgement call at what age, as it depends on the child. If you think no, and the child does not want to do it, then it is a no brainer.

I would be even less impressed that their other parent was too stingy/lazy/whatever to travel over to collect them. Even more so if they chose to live on a different continent.

I traveled unaccompanied from the UK to Switzerland when I was 12, just short of my 13th birthday. I was fine, I was sensible, very sensible actually, and savvy. My own son who is 11 is a total airhead and I would doubt his ability to travel safely and sensibly when he was 14/15.

aliciaflorrick · 29/05/2013 22:22

I had this earlier this year, ex h booked DCs on a flight unaccompanied without even discussing it with me. They are 10 and 8. I was very upset about it. However, they loved it. Got to go in the cockpit, were given fizzy pop and chocolate and top trump cards. They're not tat bothered about seeing ex again, but they can't wait to go on a plane by themselves again.

They were very worried as they left me, but we're well looked after by staff.

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2013 22:22

crash doll stop talking logic - its really silly and YABU

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