To refuse to allow my 12 yo DD to travel unaccompanied?

[ItsDecisionTime]

As part of a pending contact order, ExP who lives in the USA, is asking that our 12 year old DD travels as an unaccompanied minor on her flights from the UK to US (to save him the time and cost of collecting her). It goes against all my parenting instincts on the basis that if anything had to happen on those flights, it would be everyone for themselves. I know people do allow their kids to travel alone but for me, that's just lazy parenting and something I'd only consider in an absolute emergency. She has only just started going into our town on her own but only when she is with a friend. Personally, I can't even contemplate what kind of father would even push for it in court when he knows I'm so set against it.

Exotic, I agree to an extent, as part of the reason I wanted to move closer to the school was to get him used to doing short journeys alone in the run-up to secondary. But I know for a fact some of the other parents won't approve of my decision.

I'd add to what Manchesterhistorygirl said, in my experience the child is collected from the parent just prior to boarding. They are taken directly onto the plane. No hanging around in departures for hours on end.

My opinion as someone who frequently travelled as an unaccompanied minor between the ages of 12-14. And then just plain old unaccompanied at 16.

It's fine you are with someone the whole time at the airport, the cabin crew really look after you, it's fun, a bit of an adventure. In all likelihood she won't even be the only unaccompanied minor and in that event shell sit with the other/s.

I agree that the father is the issue rather than the flight.

Mine are 14 and 12 - the 12 year old has flown on her own since the age of 9 to visit a friend in Monaco, and both get themselves from London to MK and back to visit grandparents and friends. DD1 has taken herself off to visit friends at the weekend, who live 40 minutes away on a suburban train, since she was 11. Both are used to getting themselves around Paris on the metro and bus as well.

Well no one said they would be signed for at every turn and would in fact be accompanied!!!!

Still though, I just don't trust the general public, yes of course many many people are very lovely but some aren't. And gold I mean things like someone whispering something hideous to them in their ear or trying to buy them something or some kind of drunken fight or idiots threatening to blow up the plane. All stuff that happens on planes. And my dd for sure wouldn't know what to do if anything like that happened.

I do err on the side of caution but all those hours up in the sky on her own?!?

I am sorry but I still think it is far too young. She isn't even a teenager!?

I travelled UM constantly as a child.

In a difficulty, which is what you say you are worried about, the cabin crew would have a duty to look after the ums first. They take this seriously. And yes, I have been in that sort of position when it looked as though we were gong up have to make either an unscheduled or a crash landing. It didn't happen, is very unlikely to happen, but the protocols and procedures, certainly with scheduled airlines, are good.

She will be fine. After the first few minutes it's fun, until you become blase about it. Then you want to travel without any adults around at all.

Dh has just informed me that he went to Hong Kong on his own at 12. and but my dd would go no where near a plane on her own.

Very useful summary Manchesterhistorygirl.

I think there's a big difference between travelling a long way by train and by air. As MHG says, they get looked after all the way by air, actually safer than by train.

I don't think you can afford to dig your heels in and just say no.

To add, if you are really worried and can afford it, take a short flight somewhere and make her be in charge. We have done this for Ds, who travels fine by himself.

Stranger danger is of course a worry, but ums are generally penned up before boarding and seated together under the gimlet eye.of the cabin crew at her age. Precisely to avoid losing them or them being picked up.

DD flew Glasgow to London City last year unaccompanied at the age of 7. She left DM and DSiS with nary a backwards glance at Glasgow and was met by me bouncy and happy at City. She was very smug at the fact that she wasn't taken the main, long way around like the other passengers but was taken through the staff way, straight past the baggage handling area and so got to see some of the "behind the scenes" areas. Plus the pilots came and chatted to her. She thought it was a fabulous adventure and wants to know when she can do it again!

I wouldn't choose and airline which would allow a child to be seated randomly amongst other passengers. I agree that could be quite unpleasant and risky.

I would expect a 12 YO to be seated close to and monitored by cabin crew so she could raise any problem with them easily.

And they are not allowed to leave the staff until the named person picks them up . We were picking up a French boy from heathrow last summer and had to be phone checked and meet the member of staff before he was allowed to.go off with us.

You can't do anything about terrorism or drunkenness. They can happen on a bus, a train, a plane. She is safer in a plane as a um than she would be in s bus by herself.

I can understand why you are worried and will be when she us travelling, parents are always concerned for their children. But honestly, rationally this really shouldn't be a serious concern, or if it is to you, then imv you need to company her, because its more about your worry than the reality.

The unaccompanied flying part is a red herring. Of course the OP is being unreasonable about that, I don't think there's much doubt there. But the later explanation is the real issue. At 12, a child should have a say in who she sees and when. The fact that the DD doesn't want to go is the huge concern.

Agree with that.

Also agree the flying is a red herring. This is about the exh.

My dd flew UM to go to her friend's birthday party. She was more annoyed at being looked after than worried about flying alone. At 12. I would be more worried about ash smog or something that could delay her return than the safety.

And I feel I little bit sad because if I clocked a child on a flight with me and there was a crash or emergency I would certainly look out for that child as if it were my own. I couldn't live with the thought that I had saved myself over a child. I think most people think like this.

The issues with the dad are different. Maybe it would be better if he made the trip over to the UK first to get to know her a bit better. It would be easier and cheaper. Maybe you could suggest that if he takes the first step then see how your dd gets on to her taking a flight over to him. I think I would insist on this actually, not for safety, just so I'd know she's OK.

So YABU about flying, YANBU about contact.

Yabu understandable because you are worried about your dd but tbh flying is safer than taking the bus. The stewards will look out for her she will be fine.

I wouldn't force her to do it if she doesn't want to op. thats not fair on her at all.

I have no idea of the bacstory here but..... similar to PPs I think YABU on the flying unaccompanied thing.

A court will surely primarily consider the best interests of the child, and not just base judgement in the expressed wish of a parent? Or am I misunderstanding family proceedings??

I could completely understand if they didn't have a relationship though: in that case no way would I comply and 'make her available' for access.

What are his grounds for not wanting contact on your DDs' home turf?

So YABU about flying, YANBU about contact. Sums it up.

DD flew completely alone at 12. She'd never even flown before. I believe an unaccompanied minor gets treated very well. DD got treated very well by BA. They kind of treated her a bit like a UM, but without us having to pay for it!

The other thing completely, OP, is that your DD doesn't want to see her father. That's separate from the flying.

back story. Duh!

I think this depends entirely on the child. I doubt my DD (12) would be happy to do it.

At 12, a child should have a say in who she sees and when. The fact that the DD doesn't want to go is the huge concern.

I agree with this entirely. OP, maybe this needs to be at the heart of your argument in court, rather than the unaccompanied flights which make you sound unreasonable.