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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to allow my 12 yo DD to travel unaccompanied?

280 replies

ItsDecisionTime · 29/05/2013 21:27

As part of a pending contact order, ExP who lives in the USA, is asking that our 12 year old DD travels as an unaccompanied minor on her flights from the UK to US (to save him the time and cost of collecting her). It goes against all my parenting instincts on the basis that if anything had to happen on those flights, it would be everyone for themselves. I know people do allow their kids to travel alone but for me, that's just lazy parenting and something I'd only consider in an absolute emergency. She has only just started going into our town on her own but only when she is with a friend. Personally, I can't even contemplate what kind of father would even push for it in court when he knows I'm so set against it.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 22:23

I would agree that it is unreasonable to send a DC to a different country to spend time with a father she hardly knows but I don't think it reasonable to use the flight as an excuse when it is perfectly safe.

CremeEggThief · 29/05/2013 22:25

Surprised so many people have given you such a hard time, OP.

YANBU.

Manchesterhistorygirl · 29/05/2013 22:27

You are being unreasonable. Over the years I met many, many UM's. lots of them from complicated itineraries too requiring transfers at lots of enormous airports. On the whole the kids were totally blasé about the whole thing.

Lazy parenting, really? I'm taking both kids to New York soon and I can pretty much switch off on the flight because the seven year old will plug himself in and hoping the 2.5 year old will do the same via my iPad and the inflight movies, food and sleep. Save the proper parenting for when I need it, i.e. on the ground clearing immigration, baggage and getting to the car.

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2013 22:28

creameegg- if you come on here and tell parents with a different view point that they are lazy - then you are very very likely to get a hard time - its not rocket science to work out if you offend a large proportion of the people you are goign to have read your post - then they will take offence and possible be harsh in their comments.

SanityClause · 29/05/2013 22:32

Why doesn't she want to go?

thatstripedthing · 29/05/2013 22:32

sorry, i also think that this is about punishing your ex. you should be encouraging your dd to go and have the best time ever. YOUR parenting is lazy

exexpat · 29/05/2013 22:33

If this is all going through court, then I very much doubt the court would think flying as an unaccompanied minor was an unreasonable thing to ask, as thousands of children do it every day.

It sounds like the relationship between your DD and her father is the real issue. And, by the sound of it, your animosity to him - justified or not, it must affect your DD's feelings towards him.

CremeEggThief · 29/05/2013 22:37

Well I would't necessarily agree with the lazy parenting comment, but I do think 12 is very young to fly alone.

My STBXH asked if 10 year old DS could travel from Newcastle to London by train alone, and my friends and I were horrified at that. In the end, I asked him to pay for the tickets and I accompanied him there and back.

I am just about willing to start letting him walk to school alone, when we move soon, to a house 5 minutes walk away. Several parents in his class wouldn't even allow that at 10/11.

CheckpointCharlie · 29/05/2013 22:38

jinsei I dunno really, I would just be extremely worried and she would be too, and my dd is 10 at the moment.

Also I hate flying which might be making me a teeny bit paranoid about the thought of her being alone on a plane. I just feel that so many stressful things could happen that you couldn't possibly prepare them for.

And the thought of a young girl flying on her own with 100s of strangers makes my blood run cold.

I just can't understand how a parent can be chilled out about it, hard as I try!

Portofino · 29/05/2013 22:38

I am a bit Shock that people send tiny kids off on planes alone and are fine. My dd (9) hates flying - despite doing it regularly since a baby. She would be a wreck on her own. I shudder at the thought. And she is no shrinking violet either.

rabbitlady · 29/05/2013 22:39

say no.
its a ridiculous thing to ask.

BramblyHedge · 29/05/2013 22:39

I lived abroad at this age and was sent to boarding school. I had to fly as a minor and didn't even have anyone responsible for me. I was once delayed for 3 days and the other passengers took me under their wing. It was an adventure and taught me some responsibility. I think YABU.

EglantinePrice · 29/05/2013 22:39

YANBU, I wouldn't do this. Although I suspect that her reluctance to go is colouring your view on this and she'd probably be fine.

As for encouraging her dd to go and 'have the best time ever' when she's had minimal contact for 6 years and doesn't want to go, I'd really struggle with this. It just doesn't sound realistic.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 22:40

Several parents in his class wouldn't even allow that at 10/11.

That is particularly silly on the eve of going to secondary school.
The plane journey is much safer than a train-you are in a container from A to B.

It all seems rather complicated. She must know that you don't want her to go-how do you know that she isn't just being loyal to you?

Maryz · 29/05/2013 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatelynStark · 29/05/2013 22:44

My youngest daughter is 12 in October. Hell would freeze over before I let her fly unaccompanied to see her father in the Middle East because a) she would be shit scared and b) she doesn't know him - she's seen him maybe four times in her life. His choice.

Frankly, I don't care what other people do - that's their business. OP, you know your child - if she doesn't want to go, then she doesn't go. End of.

Manchesterhistorygirl · 29/05/2013 22:44

Checkpoint here is how it goes.

You take dd to airport where you check her in and fill in a pile of paperwork, dd stays with you until set time when you hand her to member of staff, who will sign for dd and escort her to the aircraft. At aircraft dd will be board first and passed to crew. Who will sign again. Dd is seated in specific rows to be near to crew areas where she can be kept an eye on.

At destination she will be handed to ground crew. Signed for. Escorted through immigration and baggage claim. She will be taken through customs and out to exh, who will show ID and sign for dd.

Repeat for return.

You do no leave the airport until dd's flight is airborne.

It's honestly ok. Youngest UM I ever accompanied was five. Longest journey I ever set an um off on was manchester to Christchurch.

Maryz · 29/05/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EglantinePrice · 29/05/2013 22:50

I agree in terms of the risks of the plane crashing she would probably be safer than getting the bus to school.

However, a 12 year old, alone on a long haul flight sounds vulnerable to me. Esp if its a long (West coast) night flight. They are very quiet and lonely and the stewards often disappear for a while during quiet times.

And that's not a position I'd want to put my 12 year old in.

Andro · 29/05/2013 22:50

This depends on your DD, how comfortable is she with dealing with the situation? It wouldn't have bothered me at all at 12 (I was traveling without my parents by then) but it does depend on the child.

Alwayscheerful · 29/05/2013 22:50

What Manchester girl said.

I have been a guardian to many overseas students ages 8-18, they are looked after VERY well as unaccompanied minors. It will be very good for your DD.

When your daughter is a little older she will be able to travel as a young person travelling alone, slightly less care but the airline will keep an eye on her.

exexpat · 29/05/2013 22:50

For the people saying 'how could anyone be so blasé about a 12-year-old flying alone?' - do you know how the unaccompanied minor system works?

They are never alone - they are handed from parents at check-in to a member of airline staff who takes them through security, passport control etc up to the gate, then handed over to a member of the cabin crew who supervises them on board, then accompanied back through the airport on the other side until they can be handed over to a parent at the end. They are not wandering round round airports by themselves.

Goldmandra · 29/05/2013 22:50

I just feel that so many stressful things could happen that you couldn't possibly prepare them for.

What sort of things are you thinking of?

I am a bit that people send tiny kids off on planes alone and are fine.

12 YO isn't tiny though is it?

Lots of children travel on public transport to school and back every day. Is this really so different?

PacificDogwood · 29/05/2013 22:51

Everything exoticfruit said - you are much more succinct than I...

Op, you sound worried about sending your DD to see her father. Full stop.

I think the fretting about the flight is displacement activity.
Poor you and poor DD for being ini this position.

As to everybody who will not let their DCs out of their sights: I understand the worry, truly I do, but how on earth will they every learn to look out for themselves if not actively encouraged by us to be savvy and street aware and confident? I am not having a go, but genuinely puzzled.

exexpat · 29/05/2013 22:52

X-posted with manchesterhistorygirl