Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider marrying this man?

241 replies

PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:08

Bit of an unusual one, so I have name changed.

I am a never married, childless woman, coming to the end of healthy fertility. I've been in relationships, but never found the one. Don't believe in soul mates or anything like that and have a very practical approach to dating and love.

I'm from a modest working class background, but university educated and have a reasonable income, which I obviously would like to be more.

I had always wanted to get married and have children, but it just never happened. And I thought it wasn't going to, until this offer came along.

My best friend from university has asked me to marry him. We've kept in great touch all these years, and we enjoy each others company immensely. We have holidayed together as friends in the past and I value him a person. There's just not romance. But I would consider marrying for companionship in old age.

However, his offer is a little more enticing than just companionship. He is from a very upper class background and marrying him would basically render me a kept woman. I'd keep my job obviously, but I would be living in luxury. He has property all over the world and we'd be living in a country estate in England. I could have anything I wanted if I accept his offer.

He's asked me to look at this like a business arrangement, neither of us want to enter old age alone and we are great friends.

If companionship was all this was, I'd probably say yes straight away. The extreme wealth and lifestyle change is what is holding me back. I would be mortified if someone suggested I was a gold digger.

Does anybody have any experiences of marrying for reasons other than love? Arranged marriages and such? This feels like I'm arranging my own arranged marriage!

OP posts:
potentiallytotallyshafted · 29/05/2013 14:09

Can I ask how old you are?

potentiallytotallyshafted · 29/05/2013 14:10

I mean that honestly, not in a bitchy way by the way! Just to help me consider my advice!

SomethingProfound · 29/05/2013 14:10

I'm going to get flamed for this but do it why the hell not, I would! Wink

EuroShaggleton · 29/05/2013 14:10

How does he feel about children? Religion? Joint finances? Would he require a pre nup?

I think you need to consider all of the practical points you would consider for a love match.

On the emotional side, would it be enough for you?

Original poster
PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:10

I'm 42.

OP posts:
StuffezLaYoni · 29/05/2013 14:11

I would. Wouldn't give the slightest toss what other people thought.

NotALondoner · 29/05/2013 14:13

Would you try for a child together?

GoodbyePorkPie · 29/05/2013 14:13

Hmmm, interesting. Do you still want children?

IDismyname · 29/05/2013 14:13

I think your age is important in this consideration, as potentially has asked...

In theory, its a great idea, but what happens if one of you does find the 'love of their life'? Where does that leave the other one?

And why - exactly - has he asked you? Seems like quite a good 'deal' from your end, but what's he getting out of it? (Convincing the family he's not gay? Having some arm candy? - What?)

ViviPru · 29/05/2013 14:13

If all you genuinely seek from a relationship from him is long-term companionship, then perhaps the best course of action is to work hard to maintain the strength of the existing friendship you have for as long as possible - is getting married the best way to do that?

meditrina · 29/05/2013 14:14

Marriage for companionship sounds as solid a base as any. As long as you are both very clear about what the deal is (finances, monogamy?) and are both goingin with eyes wide open.

And if DC are contemplated, that you don't find him physically repulsive and can face the prospect of waking next to him, during the procreative years at least.

Original poster
PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:14

Sorry to drip feed information, but yes we'd try. We'd be using private education though not boarding.

OP posts:
CorrStagnitto · 29/05/2013 14:16

im the same age as you and very much like you i never thought i would get married, always had a very practical approach to love etc...

however i have recently met what i can only describe as my 'soulmate' (i never believed they existed either) and it was totally unexpected and has taken me by complete suprise

what if you met someone you could really love after you have tied yourself into this marriage of conveinence?

you are still young and it could happen (i never thought it would to me)

Stubbed56 · 29/05/2013 14:17

I don't know... I wouldn't judge someone for doing it, but at the back of my mind there is something unconventional about planning to marry someone you're not in love with, and with unconventional situations there is always a risk.

CorrStagnitto · 29/05/2013 14:17

And why does it have to be marriage? why can you not just live together as companions?

womma · 29/05/2013 14:17

why are you even asking?!

ViviPru · 29/05/2013 14:17

Good points, blue2. What's in it for him that he doesn't get from your relationship as it stands? You have concerns that you might be a potential trophy wife; in what way, 'trophy'?

BlackholesAndRevelations · 29/05/2013 14:17

WTF has private education got to do with anything?

MissStrawberry · 29/05/2013 14:18

Heck of a jump from yes, we will try for kids to they will have a private education not a boarding school one.

BeCool · 29/05/2013 14:18

Would you have a sexual relationship with him? If so, how long could you fake it for? What if one of you decides they don't want sex with their spouse anymore?

And if not, would you expect to or be expected to be faithful to him, and him you? Could you face a sexless life of luxury? How would you both deal with this?

Royalmailer · 29/05/2013 14:18

I would do it in a heartbeat.

Just one thought- is it possible he's held a torch for you for years and hasn't been able to express it?

Sianilaa · 29/05/2013 14:19

I think I probably would actually, you get on well and friendship is a very good basis for a relationship. It might develop into more. Perhaps he's always liked you?

Are you sure he's not gay though?

teenagetantrums · 29/05/2013 14:19

I would, maybe you should have a trial run for a few months see if you can live together.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 29/05/2013 14:19

I'm afraid I disagree with marrying out of a loving relationship.

CloudsAndTrees · 29/05/2013 14:19

Could you bring yourself to have sex with someone you aren't attracted to?

How important is having a child to each of you? What if it doesn't work?

It's one thing to suffer infertility in a loving marriage, it's another to fail to produce children after making what he has called 'a business arrangement'.