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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider marrying this man?

241 replies

PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:08

Bit of an unusual one, so I have name changed.

I am a never married, childless woman, coming to the end of healthy fertility. I've been in relationships, but never found the one. Don't believe in soul mates or anything like that and have a very practical approach to dating and love.

I'm from a modest working class background, but university educated and have a reasonable income, which I obviously would like to be more.

I had always wanted to get married and have children, but it just never happened. And I thought it wasn't going to, until this offer came along.

My best friend from university has asked me to marry him. We've kept in great touch all these years, and we enjoy each others company immensely. We have holidayed together as friends in the past and I value him a person. There's just not romance. But I would consider marrying for companionship in old age.

However, his offer is a little more enticing than just companionship. He is from a very upper class background and marrying him would basically render me a kept woman. I'd keep my job obviously, but I would be living in luxury. He has property all over the world and we'd be living in a country estate in England. I could have anything I wanted if I accept his offer.

He's asked me to look at this like a business arrangement, neither of us want to enter old age alone and we are great friends.

If companionship was all this was, I'd probably say yes straight away. The extreme wealth and lifestyle change is what is holding me back. I would be mortified if someone suggested I was a gold digger.

Does anybody have any experiences of marrying for reasons other than love? Arranged marriages and such? This feels like I'm arranging my own arranged marriage!

OP posts:
Coffeeformeplease · 29/05/2013 14:19

hm, I wouldn't probably. (but then I'm a hopeless romantic and haven't been single since I was 18)

Growing old together with someone you don't love can be tricky.
But there would be tons of money to throw at carers.

CaipirinhasAllRound · 29/05/2013 14:20

what if you meet the man of your dreams after marrying your friend?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/05/2013 14:21

I would have written yes go for it then I read BeCool's response.

What about the sex thing after you've tried to conceive a child? Do you fancy him at all?

Grammaticus · 29/05/2013 14:21

I don't see what the downsides are tbh. Would he want an "open" relationship? Have you considered a prenup?

childcarehell · 29/05/2013 14:22

I'd try living together as a married couple first, then seeing how you feel. Move in at weekends and go from there

nkf · 29/05/2013 14:23

What's holding you back? What's attracting you? We all bring our own experiences to bear on such a question. Do you want to live on a country estate? Would you be sexually faithful. Why not both of you write down hopes, fears and wishes and then compare.

Original poster
PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:23

BlackholesAndRevelations MissStrawberry

Sorry, I realize that looked jumpy. Someone asked if we had the same opinion on children, and I just rehashed the conversation he and I had had about what we would want for any potential children.

I had wanted state school, he boarding and so that was our compromise. Should have explained, or just not mentioned it at all.

We have talked about the practicalities at length. The response on here is really useful, there are loads of questions that I still don't have answers to (and so am unable to reply to on here). The 'terms and conditions' are established in our minds, and those I am fine with. I think the questions of 'what if I meet the one?' and 'is this enough for me emotionally?' are the big ones I need to tackle.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/05/2013 14:24

Marrying for friendship rather than sex seems ok to me. The talk about money and private education seems very odd.

Succoria · 29/05/2013 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worldgonecrazy · 29/05/2013 14:24

There is a saying that "Happiness is being married to your best friend". I would say go for it, romance can develop. And if it doesn't, he's still your friend.

One question - has he secretly held a torch for you all these years? How do you feel about having sex with this person - and why haven't you previously?

When you say "you could have everything you wanted" why would you want anything that you don't currently have?

Original poster
PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:24

And yes.. I could quite happily have a sexual relationship. A big part of me wanted to at university.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/05/2013 14:25

Ah, our posts crossed. So you're not marrying for friendship-and-not-sex? There'd be an expectation of a sexual relationship?

Justfornowitwilldo · 29/05/2013 14:26

At 42 if I really wanted children I would very seriously consider having them with someone like this. He is obviously a friend of 20+ years, a decent person, someone who actively wants children and would be involved as a father and provide them with financial support. You could be good co-parents.

As for marrying him .... no. I wouldn't. Nothing to do with 'soul mates', all to do with sex and companionship. You already have him as a friend. If you want someone to holiday with, you've already got him. Presumably marrying him would mean you only had sex with him. Do you want that for the rest of your life? Or if you agreed to an open arrangement, you could find that in 5 years time when you have a life and hopefully a child with him and are content that he finds that passion and connection with someone else and your 'business arrangement' falls apart.

MaureenMLove · 29/05/2013 14:26

Give him my number if you're not going to marry him. I'm in! Grin

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/05/2013 14:26

Does he have family who are aware of what you're both planning, will they create potential trouble for you if they were to consider you not worthy of him?

MTBMummy · 29/05/2013 14:27

I do know a couple who did this, but neither wanted kids, they are best friends, and don't share a bedroom.

They are perfectly happy, and while neither came into the relationship with a huge sum of money, they both do incredibly well in their chosen careers. They do have a pre-nup in place.

I think if like them it's purely for the companionship it could work, but the whole maybe trying for kids thing places a small amount of concern in my mind

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/05/2013 14:27

I'd go for it then, sounds fab if you fancy him too, bonus! Grin

TerrysNo2 · 29/05/2013 14:27

If you are both happy with the arrangement then who cares what anyone else thinks. It sounds like you both know what you're getting into and as long as you are clear on that then why not.

My main concern would be for your potential future children. What are you going to tell them. How do you think this will have an impact on them and their view of relationships. There are plenty of happy children out there with married parents or divorced parents but how does this fit in?

I think that would be my main concern. I don't think it means its a no go, just needs to be handled very carefully and thoughtfully.

MissStrawberry · 29/05/2013 14:28

Another question to ask yourself might be, why has it not happened before, naturally?

Vivacia · 29/05/2013 14:28

I don't get this at all. Why don't you just start going out with him, and all that entails, including having sex? How is this any different than a relationship that starts between two old friends??

ViviPru · 29/05/2013 14:28

I could quite happily have a sexual relationship. A big part of me wanted to at university.

So you fancy him? Well that makes a difference...

ViviPru · 29/05/2013 14:29

Vivacia makes a good point

Original poster
PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:36

Vivacia You're absolutely a million percent right.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/05/2013 14:36

I couldn't. Sometimes, the love I have for DH is the only thing that stops me reaching across the table and stabbing him with a spoon. Love is the glue in a marriage imo, and holds the whole shebang together.

chickydoo · 29/05/2013 14:37

Go for it!
What have you got to loose?
& if by any chance you meet ' the one' then just see what happens.
Plenty of marriages are based on a lot less than what you have already.
You are friends ....check....
He makes you laugh....check....
He respects you.....check....
And your job......check......
He will look after you....check.....
He wants kids ....check....
He will pay for them....check.....
You know about his past....check.....
You want to have sex with him.... Check....
Sounds fine to me ' the one' thing is a bit of a myth anyway.