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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider marrying this man?

241 replies

PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:08

Bit of an unusual one, so I have name changed.

I am a never married, childless woman, coming to the end of healthy fertility. I've been in relationships, but never found the one. Don't believe in soul mates or anything like that and have a very practical approach to dating and love.

I'm from a modest working class background, but university educated and have a reasonable income, which I obviously would like to be more.

I had always wanted to get married and have children, but it just never happened. And I thought it wasn't going to, until this offer came along.

My best friend from university has asked me to marry him. We've kept in great touch all these years, and we enjoy each others company immensely. We have holidayed together as friends in the past and I value him a person. There's just not romance. But I would consider marrying for companionship in old age.

However, his offer is a little more enticing than just companionship. He is from a very upper class background and marrying him would basically render me a kept woman. I'd keep my job obviously, but I would be living in luxury. He has property all over the world and we'd be living in a country estate in England. I could have anything I wanted if I accept his offer.

He's asked me to look at this like a business arrangement, neither of us want to enter old age alone and we are great friends.

If companionship was all this was, I'd probably say yes straight away. The extreme wealth and lifestyle change is what is holding me back. I would be mortified if someone suggested I was a gold digger.

Does anybody have any experiences of marrying for reasons other than love? Arranged marriages and such? This feels like I'm arranging my own arranged marriage!

OP posts:
IDismyname · 29/05/2013 15:32

Yes, the gay 'thing' I mentioned up thread - I wonder if its got to do with satisfying his family.

Have kids (ie heirs) and prove to then that he's straight?

This is very very interesting....!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/05/2013 15:32

BTW I speak as someone who would opt for a civil partnership if I weren't already married. It's what I would have chosen 20+ years ago if it had been an option.

Sallyingforth · 29/05/2013 15:38

I'd move in right away, and find out if the friendship survives the living together. Your feelings will undoubtedly change for better or worse after a year of proximity and sex, and you'll have both decided by then if you want to make it official.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 15:40

How old is he?

This all sounds like a premise for a book.

But there is something that doesnt add up, maybe from his end?
Cant quite think what it is.
I suppose that is partly why I am wondering what his age is.

When you say there is no romance, from whom?
You to him or he to you?

thegreylady · 29/05/2013 15:41

Yes I would-kindness and friendship are much more important then a rose coloured view of romantic love. What is better than the love and warmth of friends? This isn't a new relationship.What you want from a marriage is to become one another's best friend and you are already there.Sex and romance will grow I think.
Plan a quiet private wedding-don't make it about the show and glamour of the day-just hold hands and off you go.I reckon your marriage will have a better chance than many. Flowers

TobyLerone · 29/05/2013 15:42

I'd do it.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 15:42

It does, Ilike, a very bad one.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 15:42

I suppose what I am thinking is that you have called yourself "PotentialTrophyWife".
But I have a niggling thought, perhaps wrongly, that you might be replaced a few years down the line?
Sorry to come across harshly.

Scrazy · 29/05/2013 15:42

He must be a similar age as they knew each other at uni. Sounds like a lovely story.

kelda · 29/05/2013 15:43

Is there an expectation that you would have children?

What would happen if that didn't happen naturally?

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 15:43

A trophy that age (I am myself) is tarnished.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 15:44

Yes lovely story. But Scarzy, there are many ages of people at uni.

squoosh · 29/05/2013 15:44

Seeing as he's so wealthy and presumably has many options, what reason has he given for singling you out amongst all women? I don't mean for that to seem bitchy, I'm genuinely curious

Is he shy? Could he be gay and bowing to family pressure? Has he always held a torch for you and sees your urgency re. your fertility as a way to get you to accept him where you would have dismissed him in previous years?

I'm sure a marriage based on a solid friendship has very good odds at lasting the pace, assuming of course that you're happy with lower levels of passion etc.

What an interesting conundrum to have!

frogwatcher42 · 29/05/2013 15:45

I would do it. Even if you find 'the one', it often becomes companionship after a time.

Being broke with kids and a dh who has turned into a companion and best friend is ok. Being rich with kids and a dh who was always a companion and best friend seems a better option!!!!!

If I had my time again, the one thing I would try to do is fall in love or at least love as a friend and marry, somebody rich. Being poor and struggling is crap.

God - his situation sounds wonderful - a country estate. I am so jealous.

ArthurCucumber · 29/05/2013 15:45

Goodness, how interesting!

I've often thought that if my dh died I might consider an arrangement like that for later years, so have no issue with it in principle. But the fact that he says it's a business arrangement, and you wanted more when you were both at university, makes me worry that you might get hurt. 42 isn't too old to find a partner and marry for love.

Also, if it's only an heir he's after, then (no offence, I'm older than you) but I'd have expected him to have asked someone younger. On the other hand, the "business" aspect is backed up by the fact that (apparently) he's just jumped in and asked you to marry him rather than setting about a more conventional relationship. How much have you seen of him over the years?

Blimey. I can see why you're confused.

frogwatcher42 · 29/05/2013 15:48

Maybe he is disillusioned with finding the wall banging love we are all meant to find and thinks that he loves being with you (best friend so obviously knows you warts and all), maybe is secretly attracted to you, can imagine growing old with you etc?

PunkHedgehog · 29/05/2013 15:50

I wouldn't work for everyone, but planning to spend your life and have children with someone you like is not a daft idea.

Personally I'd want to try living together first, rather than jumping straight into marriage, and a serious talk about the what-ifs is important.

If you do start by living together but start trying for children immediately rather than waiting (as you'll probably want to given your comment about your fertility window) then make sure you get a proper cohabitation agreement drawn up. Any solicitor will be able to do this for you - cost around £300-400, and you should each have a separate solicitor. They have standard contracts that you can then vary to suit your particular circumstances. It's worth doing anyway, even if you're not TTC, and could be a good way to ensure you've thought through you what-if list properly because the points in the contract will cover a lot of the same ground.

nkf · 29/05/2013 15:51

I can see that, if he wants children very badly, he night be better off with a younger woman. But imagine not having to introduce yourself and explain yourself and get to know someone. With no guarantee it will work out. Look at the dating threads. And here is lovely old op. You've known her for years, always fancied.her a but tbh. Worth thinking about eh?

TheSmallClanger · 29/05/2013 15:52

Something is ringing a medium-sized alarm bell for me. Why does he want to jump straight into marriage, without a "dating" phase, or living together? If you are attracted to him, how would he react if you said you just wanted to start a more conventional relationship? There would be nothing to stop you marrying later, if it worked out.

I do know a couple who got married on this basis, and they have a DS together. However, their relationship came out of living together successfully for quite a long time. And they are both gay and get their sexual kicks elsewhere.

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2013 15:52

Grin at the book. I think he's always been in love with her, and she never knew...

squoosh · 29/05/2013 15:53

I would love for men with vast country estates to be issuing me with such puzzling requests on a Wednesday afternoon.

Would fill in that post lunch lull.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 15:54

Yes, of course! And there will be two sets of twins in two years and they fall blissfully in love.

nkf · 29/05/2013 15:55

The only negative for me would be the country estate. Can't he move to London?

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2013 15:56

Only after she's felt his throbbing member, expat. (Clearly, I have not read enough romance novels...what do they call it?).

OK, hope we are not offending you OP!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/05/2013 15:57

Is he from the aristocracy? very upper class and a country estate sounds like it?