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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider marrying this man?

241 replies

PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:08

Bit of an unusual one, so I have name changed.

I am a never married, childless woman, coming to the end of healthy fertility. I've been in relationships, but never found the one. Don't believe in soul mates or anything like that and have a very practical approach to dating and love.

I'm from a modest working class background, but university educated and have a reasonable income, which I obviously would like to be more.

I had always wanted to get married and have children, but it just never happened. And I thought it wasn't going to, until this offer came along.

My best friend from university has asked me to marry him. We've kept in great touch all these years, and we enjoy each others company immensely. We have holidayed together as friends in the past and I value him a person. There's just not romance. But I would consider marrying for companionship in old age.

However, his offer is a little more enticing than just companionship. He is from a very upper class background and marrying him would basically render me a kept woman. I'd keep my job obviously, but I would be living in luxury. He has property all over the world and we'd be living in a country estate in England. I could have anything I wanted if I accept his offer.

He's asked me to look at this like a business arrangement, neither of us want to enter old age alone and we are great friends.

If companionship was all this was, I'd probably say yes straight away. The extreme wealth and lifestyle change is what is holding me back. I would be mortified if someone suggested I was a gold digger.

Does anybody have any experiences of marrying for reasons other than love? Arranged marriages and such? This feels like I'm arranging my own arranged marriage!

OP posts:

SlowJinn · 30/05/2013 10:13

Oooh, I'm liking the arrival of Hamish, who may or may not know the lead characters.

HintofBream · 30/05/2013 10:14

No, Arthur, the OP says that they enjoy each other's company, so it is not purely a business arrangement. I'm just suggesting going into a relationship with realistic expectations about romance is possibly as likely to achieve a happy future as having over-optimistic stars in your eyes.

Cosydressinggown · 30/05/2013 10:49

Ten pages in and the op hasn't been back for about the last six. Oh dear...!

If this is real - I think that it sounds like a great arrangement and all, but I wouldn't be able to do it.

If he wanted to marry you, he should have asked you out on a date or two. The fact that he hasn't - that he can't bring himself to even attempt a conventional relationship with you - makes me doubt what it is that he wants out of this.

Chislemum · 30/05/2013 10:56

Wondering whether we are helping with writing a romance novel? Hamish.... etc. The MN romance novel and we will all get royalties?

Hamishbear · 30/05/2013 11:11

I think he may well have asked her out on dates etc, they are much further along in all of this than OP has said and she's canvassing for broader MN opinion - quite wisely perhaps.

The couple I am thinking of are quite evenly matched in many ways and I wouldn't think of her as a trophy wife etc.

May not be a genuine OP and just coincidental re: my old friend.

ArthurCucumber · 30/05/2013 11:28

Of course people should be realistic rather than starry-eyed, Bream. But being realistic probably does include a full understanding of all implications such as financial/legal ones, as well as a proper explanation of why he's suggesting this. For me, the "lonely old age" explanation just doesn't wash at the age of 42. Also, the OP fancies this guy (and his lifestyle), while he is suggesting a "business arrangement" and already has the lifestyle. There's a risk of starry eyes on one side but not on the other.

Of course, there may be many things the OP isn't telling us - I'm just saying that with the information we've got, "Marry him" is bad advice.

HintofBream · 30/05/2013 11:28

Cosy, where does she say the chap hasn't asked her out on dates?

ArthurCucumber · 30/05/2013 11:31

She isn't going to get decent advice if things have gone further than she says they have with dates, etc. And she did say she didn't want to drip-feed... Maybe this is more common than we all thought!

ArthurCucumber · 30/05/2013 11:32

She said there isn't romance. Without the possibility of romance, a date suggesting marriage is a business meeting.

Kinhell · 30/05/2013 11:45

This sort of thing often happens with arranged marriages and people do fall in love. You have nothing to lose and tremendous amount to gain. if you treat it as 'I'll give it a go and if it doesn't work out we'll split' then you are doomed to fail. If you have the attitude this will be my life partner then it will work and I bet you will end up falling in love.

garlicgrump · 30/05/2013 13:54

Arthur, they've been on holidays together. How long do you need a date to be?!

garlicgrump · 30/05/2013 13:56

If you have the attitude this will be my life partner then it will work

I agree. I unwisely married men who took that to mean "she'll put up with any shit just to stay married," but my absence of twat radar doesn't negate the principle!

ArthurCucumber · 30/05/2013 14:15

I understand that they're great friends, but the OP hasn't told us how much has been done between them with a view to this marriage. There's a difference. I'm not suggesting she doesn't know him - obviously she does, very well and for a long time. I'm suggesting that she may (as she seems to have flown, we'll never know) not have as much information as she needs about his motivations and plans.

I'm not arguing against level-headed consideration, which is obviously much better than starry-eyed romanticism. As I said above, under certain circumstances I'd consider it myself. And a marriage based on friendship is obviously a great idea. But he obviously wants something out of marrying her that he isn't getting from this wonderful friendship that they clearly have. And the OP doesn't make it clear that she knows what this is. In fact, she hasn't given us enough information to do anything beyond speculate, which is why "Marry him!" is such bad advice. All we can say is that it might not be a bad idea, depending on a whole pile of stuff that we don't know and the OP hasn't told us.

As we're going round in circles, I'm outta here.

takeaway2 · 30/05/2013 14:32

I think the OP has been scared off by the piss-take that others have piled in on... it really wasn't very nice.

FWIW, I'm married, two kids, DH, and nearly 40 (in a few months), so not far off your age, OP.

When I was younger, I recall making such a 'pact' with an old friend of mine, that if we weren't married/dating anyone by a certain age, we'd marry each other. It obviously hasn't come true, but we really got along. I still get along very well with him (and wife).

I think there's much to be said about a 'marriage' between two people who've had such a long friendship and clearly have gone through plenty (ups, downs etc) and still together as good friends.

I'd say go for it, with your eyes open of course. Take MoreBeta's advice re having a good lawyer etc, but I don't see why this can't work. I know some older people who'd been 'friends' for very long time, and got married for pension reasons.

MerryMarigold · 31/05/2013 10:08

I think, if it's all real, that it's more likely that the OP has been scared off by the possibility of being known in RL on this issue.

Sorry OP if it was taking the mick. It's just SUCH a good story. Hope you have a sense of humour and enjoyed the yarn.

Chislemum · 04/06/2013 19:25

any update on this?

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