Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider marrying this man?

241 replies

PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:08

Bit of an unusual one, so I have name changed.

I am a never married, childless woman, coming to the end of healthy fertility. I've been in relationships, but never found the one. Don't believe in soul mates or anything like that and have a very practical approach to dating and love.

I'm from a modest working class background, but university educated and have a reasonable income, which I obviously would like to be more.

I had always wanted to get married and have children, but it just never happened. And I thought it wasn't going to, until this offer came along.

My best friend from university has asked me to marry him. We've kept in great touch all these years, and we enjoy each others company immensely. We have holidayed together as friends in the past and I value him a person. There's just not romance. But I would consider marrying for companionship in old age.

However, his offer is a little more enticing than just companionship. He is from a very upper class background and marrying him would basically render me a kept woman. I'd keep my job obviously, but I would be living in luxury. He has property all over the world and we'd be living in a country estate in England. I could have anything I wanted if I accept his offer.

He's asked me to look at this like a business arrangement, neither of us want to enter old age alone and we are great friends.

If companionship was all this was, I'd probably say yes straight away. The extreme wealth and lifestyle change is what is holding me back. I would be mortified if someone suggested I was a gold digger.

Does anybody have any experiences of marrying for reasons other than love? Arranged marriages and such? This feels like I'm arranging my own arranged marriage!

OP posts:
curryeater · 29/05/2013 14:37

If you are thinking of getting married without a. living together first, b. being in love, I think you should be very very clear about what your daily life would be like, in particular: roles, responsibility, status. Don't settle for being some sort of personal attendant, even if you are the chief personal attendant with the rest being paid staff.

Otherwise, sounds like a pretty standard marriage of the upper classes, except don't the men usually choose someone younger? If you don't mind me asking, why is he not marrying conventionally (for his circles)? Or, more bluntly, is there anything wrong with him? (or perhaps something right with him - doesn't want to marry someone who will be too young to feel like an equal?)

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2013 14:38

I may be wrong, but it sounds like he really wants kids - hence what he is getting out of this relationship, children! I think that may be why they have spoken about education. Correct me if I'm wrong OP. I would worry slightly OP that he is in it for the kids...what would happen after?

However, it could work really well. In my opinion 'love' is friendship, companionship and sex. These grow more over time. The sparks soon go! Marriages which don't last tend to be based on 'sparks' and misguided notions of soulmates (otherwise known as mutual lust).

Carolra · 29/05/2013 14:41

I think this is a really interesting one! I look at my marriage and we're basically just best friends with the occasional boink when we both have the energy. He's loving and thoughtful, a great husband and a great father. I fancy him in a low grade sort of way, I rarely look at him and think "phoaaar" like I used to when we met... he makes me laugh every day... the cant keep my hands off him thing had gone before we even got married.

There are plenty of arranged marriages that work out with less in common than OP's situation... if you think you'll be happy, then go for it. Just because its not "conventional" doesn't make it wrong, and ignore anyone who makes any comments about golddigging, it doesn't really matter what they think.

Good luck :) xx

ihearsounds · 29/05/2013 14:41

Start a relationship with him first. Don't know how many times I have read on here alone, how the 'perfect' man changes into a nasty piece of shit when they live in together.

MissStrawberry · 29/05/2013 14:42

And what if you were unable to conceive?

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2013 14:45

Good point, Miss Strawberry. Assume he has cash for IVF, but that doesn't always work out either.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/05/2013 14:46

You are in a relationship.

You've just not fucked him yet Grin

You have as good a chance as any, maybe even more than most as neither of you appear to be fuckwits.

Scrazy · 29/05/2013 14:50

I don't understand why he hasn't told you he wanted more in the past and/or you start a relationship with each other. Marry me, boarding school, sounds a bit far fetched. Also if he is such a catch, materially, and fanciable (you liked him at uni). Why does he have to settle.

Has he had many relationships all these years you have known him?

garlicgrump · 29/05/2013 14:50

I'd say go for it! But, but, but ... ! You don't seem to have even scratched the surface of "terms and conditions". It worries me that you think you have! This is what couples conventionally do while dating and, if it's going to work for you two without the usual preamble, you're going to have to be a whole lot more detailed about things. In cultures that still use arranged marriages, the culture itself defines all of the terms so both parties know what's expected. You will have to do this for yourselves & each other - or hire people, I guess. You could put together a legal & relationship team, perhaps?

Can't help wondering why you don't just move in together for a couple of years.

Chislemum · 29/05/2013 14:54

Test the daily life with him (incl. sex) and see how it works ... you can then also see how others react and how you react to their reaction.

What if you can't have kids?

Friendship over all these years is a good foundation.

Moknicker · 29/05/2013 14:54

OP can you commit to such a relationship wholeheartedly, not feel you compromised and not always be on the lookout for something better? If yes, then go for it - the money is a red herring. There will be lots of ups and downs in your marriage - for eg as Miss Strawberry says what if you cant conceive - thats a biggie but in my experience it will be just sheer boredom and the monotony of daily life that will get you down, so you do need to be committed.

What is your past relationship history - why do you think you have never found someone to settle down with?

Im from India and half my friends have had "introduced marriages" where the families introduce them to appropriate potential partners while others have had "love marriages". 10 - 15 years on, I would say that there is absolutely no difference in the two groups as to marital happiness. What has made a difference is the attitude they had going in and whether the two of them have grown together or grown apart.

Personality is very important in making decisions like this. I for one could never have an arranged marriage - too idealistic and slightly immature I suspect but my best friend has. We are both happily married btw. :)

HollyBerryBush · 29/05/2013 15:09

My first reaction was: he's gay and using you as a front to get his parents off his back.

BeCool · 29/05/2013 15:13

Yes I think he is gay too.

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2013 15:15

I think OP would know if he's gay after being friends for so many years!

BuntyCollocks · 29/05/2013 15:17

I would.

HollyBerryBush · 29/05/2013 15:18

Not always. A lot of people come out in their 40's having lived a lie for all their lives.

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2013 15:20

I think if he was about to come out after denying his gayness for all these years, then he wouldn't be getting married. Why do people who are unmarried by the time they're 42 have to be gay? Is the OP gay too?

Dahlen · 29/05/2013 15:22

I was going to say go for it until your post about wanting to have a sexual relationship with him while you were at university. That changes it for me and I think you run the risk of getting hurt.

Marriages based on companionship, mutual respect, shared goals and ideals etc often perform better than those based on 'love' (of the sexual kind), so I wouldn't have any qualms about you approaching this from a business POV if neither of you felt sexual attraction to the other and were simply going to 'go through the motions' of sex in order to conceive a child and then return to platonic affection afterwards. But are you sure your subconscious isn't going to start falling 'in love' once you start DTD and build this up into some great mills-and-boon type saga? That could end up hurting you badly if he doesn't follow the same path.

What has he said he wants out of this? Has he just not met 'the one' (who doens't exist, of course) and doesn't expect to? Is he asexual? Does he just want a mother for his as-yet unborn child? Does he want a wife because it's what's expected in his social circles? What exactly?

bigkidsdidit · 29/05/2013 15:23

why does he want to marry you? Why not just a relationship? Or living together as friends for companionship? I don't understand his motivation.

Crinkle77 · 29/05/2013 15:26

Sorry but I think this would be a bad idea. So you might live in a life of luxury and have the children you crave but ultimately there will always be something missing from your marriage. It might seem like the ideal solution at the moment but there may be many hidden problem down the line

HollyBerryBush · 29/05/2013 15:26

I have a very crap gaydar though. Peoples sexuality is one of the last things that cross my mind.

Why would this upper class bloke want to suddenly get married? Strikes me as odd in the extreme. He could go to a dating agency. He would be more likely to marry someone of his own background. And if it were just children, he'd marry someone younger.

If he's not married by now, whats wrong with him?

Companionship in old age is one thing, but at 42?

OP. Think carefully before you jump into this.

nkf · 29/05/2013 15:27

Loads of.people marry people they love and end up divorced. I think there ia a definite possibility that a long friendship might make a strong marriage. As for
Sexual desire, there is often a frisson in male/female friendships. Who knows.might happen.

ViviPru · 29/05/2013 15:29

OP this is so interesting. YABU if you don't sit down and tell us a whole load more....

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 15:29

So this wealthy man who wants children asks a 42-year-old? Sure he does.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/05/2013 15:30

Why marry? I'm a bit old fashioned and think if you make vows you should really mean them. What about waiting for a civil partnership to become available to all?

I think friendship is a great basis for life partnership but marriage is something deeper