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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider marrying this man?

241 replies

PotentialTrophyWife · 29/05/2013 14:08

Bit of an unusual one, so I have name changed.

I am a never married, childless woman, coming to the end of healthy fertility. I've been in relationships, but never found the one. Don't believe in soul mates or anything like that and have a very practical approach to dating and love.

I'm from a modest working class background, but university educated and have a reasonable income, which I obviously would like to be more.

I had always wanted to get married and have children, but it just never happened. And I thought it wasn't going to, until this offer came along.

My best friend from university has asked me to marry him. We've kept in great touch all these years, and we enjoy each others company immensely. We have holidayed together as friends in the past and I value him a person. There's just not romance. But I would consider marrying for companionship in old age.

However, his offer is a little more enticing than just companionship. He is from a very upper class background and marrying him would basically render me a kept woman. I'd keep my job obviously, but I would be living in luxury. He has property all over the world and we'd be living in a country estate in England. I could have anything I wanted if I accept his offer.

He's asked me to look at this like a business arrangement, neither of us want to enter old age alone and we are great friends.

If companionship was all this was, I'd probably say yes straight away. The extreme wealth and lifestyle change is what is holding me back. I would be mortified if someone suggested I was a gold digger.

Does anybody have any experiences of marrying for reasons other than love? Arranged marriages and such? This feels like I'm arranging my own arranged marriage!

OP posts:

MissStrawberry · 29/05/2013 15:57

expat, you are so cynical .

curryeater · 29/05/2013 15:59

I think he has an evil twin brother locked in a tower who is 5 mins older and should legally inherit, but he has been sealed in a room (you can see the window from the outside but THERE IS NO CORRESPONDING ROOM OFF THE CORRIDOR INSIDE?!?!?) by the family because he committed an outrageous deed against family propriety. Once the OP is married he will occasionally bust out and pose as his brother while his brother is tied to a chair with a ripped linen shirt on, struggling sweatily to escape while the evil twin does insanely norty and hott sexing to the confused op who is wondering why he seems so... different. eventually he will be locked up again and the op's dh will never let on because the existence of the twin will nullify his inheritance. but the op is determined to find out....

needaholidaynow · 29/05/2013 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scrazy · 29/05/2013 16:01

squoosh · 29/05/2013 16:01

'struggling sweatily to escape while the evil twin does insanely norty and hott sexing to the confused op who is wondering why he seems so... different'.

Get thine self to Mills & Boon head offices immediately!

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 29/05/2013 16:04

I think 20+ years of friendship is a more solid foundation for marriage than lust or infatuation, so IMO you're off to a good start. As long as both parties share the same expectations and neither one 'feels' more than the other, I think you'll be fine. You may well find that you fall in love anyway.

I wouldn't dive straight into having children though. I know your age may make you not want to wait too long, but while it's just you two, if things go horribly wrong you can split amicably enough and get on with your lives. Once there are children in the equation, everything becomes more complicated.

Tenacity · 29/05/2013 16:04

This all sounds like a plot from a romantic book...if true though, I think it would be a mistake to marry him.

There are just too many potential problems in this arrangement. Can you give up the notion of not being in love with the man you are spending your life with? Is money and wealth worth sacrificing the possibility of finding your soul mate?
Also what if you have children, what messages would they take from such a relationship?

WeAreEternal · 29/05/2013 16:05

I would do it.

There is a lot more to life than love and romance. And honestly I think friendship is a better foundation.

Historically people married for connections and family ties, rarely for love, but love on some level always seemed to form.

I think marrying your friend for companionship is a great idea if you are comfortable with it, if I was in your situation it is certainly something I would consider.
And realistically if you want to have DCs you need to be doing it now, and at least this way you will know you will have support. .

VeganCow · 29/05/2013 16:05

Sounds perfect, and sensible.

Also seems to me that once the initial buzz has worn off, those that do stay together and have a nice respectful companionship, this is what you will have from the start.

Plus, why not want a great life for you and any kids you will have.

Most people will do anything for their kids. You can do that before they are even here

GoodbyePorkPie · 29/05/2013 16:05

"The only negative for me would be the country estate. Can't he move to London?"

Yes those country estates can be such a drag!

I agree about the evil twin brother, or possibly a Mrs Danversesque housekeeper.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/05/2013 16:07

I'm soooo surprised some don't believe this.

The world is awash with attractive, unmarried, rich men with country estates looking to marry old, been round the block a few times, ex comprehensive, women with unknown fertility.

TSSDNCOP · 29/05/2013 16:07

She doesn't believe in soul mates and has a practical approach.

I'd do it. You've a twenty year relationship. Cement it and enjoy the next 20 years.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/05/2013 16:09

Come back PTW.

I want to know how uber posh this bloke is, does he have a Game Keeper?

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2013 16:10

I'm sorry but I don't get his motivations at all.

If it's because really he fancies you, why doesn't he just suggest dating?

If he really wants children, sorry but why not ask someone younger?

If he wants companionship in his old age -- I mean, he's only 42, why is he worrying about that now?

Even if he only wants companionship now, why not suggest being flatmates?

The fact that you would be having sex with him just makes it creepier actually. I would understand it a bit more if it were like: let's live together, be friends, try for a baby with IVF, if something romantic develops down the line that's cool.

I don't have any moral objections or anything, but it doesn't make a lot of sense as described, re his incentives. That would make me worry.

Scrazy · 29/05/2013 16:11

To the posters saying they are struggling and are [jealous] of OP. I used to feel like that and when I got divorced said I wouldn't want to be with someone poor again. I didn't mean country piles etc but more comfortable, wealthy even.

It just doesn't work like that in reality. You cannot live with and marry someone without feeling it to start with. If you think it all fades, it does to a point but without the bond, gawd no.

ivanapoo · 29/05/2013 16:13

I was almost given a similar proposition once (I was younger and there were other reasons for it). Didn't go anywhere.

A few years later he came out.

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2013 16:13

Ohhhh it's a bit like the end of Pretty Woman isn't it?

When Richard Gere is all, hey I like you, we get on, come to New York and have lots of sex with me whenever I want it, I'll take care of you and you can have whatever you want.

And she says, gee, how romantic? Sorry, no.

MorrisZapp · 29/05/2013 16:14

'I'm from a modest working class background'

Well I'd hate for Mr Landowner to marry a show off.

ivanapoo · 29/05/2013 16:14

That's the thing Scrazy. When the honeymoon phase is over at least you can still remember it together. It gets you through tough times.

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2013 16:14

I also think he's probably gay.

In which case I would probably go ahead with it, as it's actually simpler that way.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 29/05/2013 16:16

I think you could end up being very lonely if you grow to love this man in a very deep way and he stays thinking of you as just a companion/chum. To me, that would be agony. But if you stayed mutually as just good friends, with benefits perhaps , it could work.

MrsMelons · 29/05/2013 16:18

I can't lie, I would definitely consider it.

My main issue would be what if I met 'the one' however it sounds like this may end up like that eventually?

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 16:20

No, Merry, it's his purple-headed warrior! It will probe the depths of her soft womanhood. Naturally, she will conceive immediately, twins, boys first set and girls second. No complications, and things like disabilities that correspond with increased maternal age don't happen to Potential Trophies. And because he's rich, of course, there's no post-natal depression or fights over who last used a loo brush.

Meanwhile, he falls blissfully in love with her fecundity and she with is loveliness.

Yawn.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 16:20

. . . wonders if she's still fertile at 42 . . .

thinks, 'Hope to fuck NOT!'

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 16:22

Say, wasn't the gal in 'One Day' from a modest working-class background, too?

Never mind, she was a simpering idiot who loved a dickhead and it was only because it was written by a man, if you want to call it writing, that she carked it in that car. It would have been better if the guy's cock had a nasty run in with a woodchipper.

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