To consider marrying this man?

[PotentialTrophyWife]

Bit of an unusual one, so I have name changed.

I am a never married, childless woman, coming to the end of healthy fertility. I've been in relationships, but never found the one. Don't believe in soul mates or anything like that and have a very practical approach to dating and love.

I'm from a modest working class background, but university educated and have a reasonable income, which I obviously would like to be more.

I had always wanted to get married and have children, but it just never happened. And I thought it wasn't going to, until this offer came along.

My best friend from university has asked me to marry him. We've kept in great touch all these years, and we enjoy each others company immensely. We have holidayed together as friends in the past and I value him a person. There's just not romance. But I would consider marrying for companionship in old age.

However, his offer is a little more enticing than just companionship. He is from a very upper class background and marrying him would basically render me a kept woman. I'd keep my job obviously, but I would be living in luxury. He has property all over the world and we'd be living in a country estate in England. I could have anything I wanted if I accept his offer.

He's asked me to look at this like a business arrangement, neither of us want to enter old age alone and we are great friends.

If companionship was all this was, I'd probably say yes straight away. The extreme wealth and lifestyle change is what is holding me back. I would be mortified if someone suggested I was a gold digger.

Does anybody have any experiences of marrying for reasons other than love? Arranged marriages and such? This feels like I'm arranging my own arranged marriage!

expat

expat, quite possibly, there are twins in the family

I don't get it. surely you need to at least try to have sex first before or "date" before thinking thinking about pre nup s or where yo u will educate your children.
Either you fancy each other in which case why the he'll in 20 yrs have you not got it on yet, or this is purely a business thing which seems a sure fire way to heartbreak if you can't be a brood mare.
Bonkers

naughty expat.

and I'm not sure what you mean by no romance..... you get on well, share a sense of humour and respect each other. Plus you find him physically attractive.... is that not love???? I must be missing out on something but I married dh because I felt like that about him.

This is an interesting scenario, but I don't think it's real. I have crap troll-dar, but this is too far-fetched. I'm of working-class origins and went to the type of university favoured by the very, very posh. Over the years I saw very little interaction between these two groups. Both are very cliquey. I never saw an upper-class boy form a lifelong friendship with a working class girl. Not once.

expat, you need to change your reading material.

I know a man who decided he needed a wife and married his secretary. He was odd and she wasn't exactly conventional. It worked for them or at least they are still together and they have children and they are prosperous and don't sneer at each other in public. It's possible that someone is trying out the plot of their next bodice ripper but, blimey, people do the strangest things in the name of love. So, why not in the name of common sense.

There are many existing marriages on unhappier footings. If you go in with eyes open, why not?

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

In one way it's quite sweet , but on the other hand it is quite sad.

How does he feel about you? What if one of you falls in love? Why do you have to actually marry? Why can't he just father your child and you keep your independence?

What if sex spoilt the relationship? - he might be awful in bed & you may see him in a different light.

Why does he want this when his fertility has less of a 'use by' date?

What if you don't conceive and you are stuck with him? What if he is infertile?

Just read the bit about you wanting a relationship at university - this makes me more wary. What if you fall for him and it is just a business arrangement for him - that would be dreadful.

And yes, is he gay?

How would the wedding take place - would be be a massive lie in front of friends and families?

If you are 42, I'd start sleeping with him now and let the rest follow naturally. You might want a specialist's opinion on your fertility before you invest in this 'relationship', if having children is the main aim.

gail, my experience is the same as yours. My background was working-class, and tbh even upper middle class was getting a bit hard to work with on the friendship/relationship front. Beyond that was just an entirely different circle of people that I barely would have spoken to except as supervision partners.

People get married for many stupider reasons.

But - if you fancy him a bit and you do start having sex with him when you like him so much as a friend, then you will probably fall in love. How will you feel if he doesn't fall in love with you? You could be very, very lonely and unhappy.

I would go for it - look how many relationships start with blazing love and end up in the divorce courts.

I have a gay male friend who in his 50s, married his female best friend he had known for 30+ years for companionship. Obviously no sex involved but the relationship is still going strong 15 or so years later.

As you want children, it may be that you should move in with him, even not 100%, at least see what he's like to live with and try the sex.

gail I worked in an RG university for years and agree with everything you say.

For hundreds of years and in many cultures, marriages were business arrangements. Odd how soppy the nest of vipers can be. You know, if it doesn't work out, they can get divorced.

If it is a plot tryout, then I think she has a winner on her hands. It will make for great dinner table debate. Like that film about sleeping with a man for £1m.

If he's not married by now, whats wrong with him?

Oh dear..... Only married people are "normal"....

OP, why get married to him at all? You are friends from way back, take it to the next level and start a relationship, live together.....
Just take it from there.

Nothing is guaranteed in life.

Considering a third of all marriages end in divorce, also those that started off with passion, I reckon you have as good a chance as any of us to have a successful relationship, married or no.

If he's not married by now, whats wrong with him?

Most of the crazies and loons are married people!

"Why do people who are unmarried by the time they're 42 have to be gay?"

MerryM it's nothing to do with the fact that he is unmarried that I think he is gay. (I'm unmarried and 45 - not gay).

It is because a perfectly respectable, educated forty-something (we assume), wealthy man is proposing to enter into a marriage of convenience with an old friend, for no reason we are/she is aware of other than they can.

So I THINK either:
A) He is gay and looking for a beard to get the folks off his back and possibly generate an heir (not clear from what OP has said); or
B) Twin monster brother scenario above; or
C) It really is Mills & Boons come to life, and although these old dear friends have never even gone on a date or shared a kiss, (not even when they went on lovely hols together), once the dear OP takes a risk and weds her dear old buddy and move into a life of unimaginable wealth and luxury, they will both fall deeply and truly in love and live happilyeverafter; or
D) It's a short road to hell. Yes the wealth and trappings would be lovely, but is this really going to come without obligations? An 'arranged' marriage in itself would have obligations - one with all this wealth thrown in = MEGA obligations somewhere down the line.

I have lots of fortysomething wealthy (though by career not my family) single male friends - ALL GAY! None of them have proposed though :(

I think this is for a mills and boom, but if not......

I`d marry him, why not, friendship is underrated, lots of marriages evolve to a deep friendship more than sexual anyway.

As for whats wrong with him why should there be anything. Have a couple of batchelors in my family, brother and uncle, lovely men but neither has every met anyone they wanted to marry or vice versa I should imagine. Both have lots of friends and very fulfilled lives. I hate having to explain my brother to people, hes gay some say, er no but if he was so what, (never understood why a man cant just be single).

Yes, the beautiful, young Demi Moore sleeping the ageing, but still very handsome, Robert Redford. No marriage or procreation involved, however, and sadly, no cuntry piles, Land Rovers, ponies and hunts. So boring, a bunch of naked, toned flesh, champers and slidey sheets.

And the heir to the Marquess of Bath is 38 and marrying a 26-year-old who has an incredibly wealthy father next month! How could he!? There are plenty of council estates near his pile where he could have found a far more suitable specimen his own age.