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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of line?

301 replies

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:34

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Inertia · 29/05/2013 15:50

The thing is, no matter how huffy GP's get, it's not about their rights. It's not even about the baby's rights to see their grandparents. It's about the baby's needs (and in the case of a breastfeeding mother, ensuring that her needs are met in order to protect her supply).

I think everyone agrees that grandparents should (barring particular circumstances ) have a relationship with their GC. That doesn't mean the GP get to set the agenda.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 15:51

Great post Goblingrannyand I love your name Grin

Only one thing- I dont think the intense mother/baby bond should be described as possessive .It isnormal in all mammals but has been broken down by a succession of "baby experts" with books and routines to sell. In fact many MIL were probably influenced by those books.
My MIL was very much affected by the advice to put down her baby and not feed,cuddle or"spoil" . It broke her heart to hear her baby cry.

LunaticFringe · 29/05/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strictlovingmum · 29/05/2013 15:57

Agree with usual greyladys post is spot on, it speaks volumes about true unity and bond families should have/share.
As for comments, grandparents should only interact/spend time with grandchildren by invitation, How sad is that?
OP you sound reasonable and open to change, you can still turn this around.
IMO child's life can be immensely enriched by having the close relationship with caring grandparents, IME dh's mother and my mother, they both have our best interests at heart, therefore they also have best interests of our children, it is only natural.
Children flourish in a secure extended family set-up, as observed in many cultures around the world, where not only grandparents are constants in child's life but also cousins, nephews uncles and aunts are, that is a near perfect situation, I agree not always possible, but more attainable if one does not try to exclude family members on peril.
OP you are not unreasonable, bot work hard on your relationship with your dil and it will pay off, word "entitled" has no place when it comes to children, we all got to deserve them.

Spaghettio · 29/05/2013 16:01

My MiL was very similar. I didn't push back like your DiL. I sat back and let her interfere (because it was interfering, not helping).

I regret it. I have virtually no relationship with her now. I think she doesn't care, I've given her a GC - that's all she wanted. I actually sat in her house on the weekend while she sat with her back to me while she played with DS for an hour and a half. I won't be visiting again. I'm clearly not welcome as a person in my own right - just as a vessel (and chauffeur)!

You need to back off otherwise your DiL is going to realise that you just want a GC - and that you don't care about a relationship with her.

hellocatty · 29/05/2013 16:03

I think your DIL is very lucky to have a MIL that cares - how would she feel if you couldn't give a toss about her oh so precious child!

Honestly i'd leave her to it am sure you have much more interesting things to do than bother with her baby.

It takes a village to bring up a child - not one neurotic mother.

onelittlepiglet · 29/05/2013 16:05

I value the relationship a child has with their grandparents too. I had a wonderful set of grandparents who I loved very much. Sadly my father's parents dies before I was born.

I wish I did get on well with my MIL and goodness knows I've tried. What I find hard to deal with is the fact my MIL has no respect for me. She ignores me unless my Dh is in the room and then it's only the odd comment she will direct a me. She criticizes me, puts me down, and only ever gives DH the credit for anything good (our clean house, nice meal, nice clothes that DD is wearing, her politeness etc). She will only take photos of her, DH and DD and has these on display in her house and none of me with Dh and Dd at all!

Despite all of this I don't stop her seeing my DD but I do make sure I'm always there. Last time I left Dd on her own with her she told her that 'mummy doesn't love you the way I love you' and my DH luckily heard and had to intervene.

Bobyan · 29/05/2013 16:09

Interesting first post OP.

changedforamo · 29/05/2013 16:38

My MIL thinks that I am going to send her grandchild on an aeroplane (alone) to a foreign country when he's 'around 7' so she can have him for a week and let him run around with the local children. Not going to happen but I just smile sweetly and ignore. Other DIL (Who has a child of a similar age) was not so able to ignore and MIL said 'Did you see otherDIL's face when I said about DGC coming over?' as if it was the most normal request in the world. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say!

HappySeven · 29/05/2013 16:43

How refreshing to have someone ask 'Aibu?' and then accept that they are! I hope you manage to do as you intend and your DIL can meet you half way - you should then all end up as winners.

Good luck!

Jengnr · 29/05/2013 16:49

How does expecting grandparents to respect boundaries become possessive mothers who don't value the relationship between grandparents and children ffs?

There's a very big difference between back off and fuck off.

BeyonceCastle · 29/05/2013 18:44

If this genuinely isn't a reverse thread then your DIL is a mumsnetter too OP given that her responses are the textbook ones given as advice on here when dealing with overbearing MILS...particularly the 'Your daughter is your girl/your grandchild is mine' - this is textbook on here as much as Did you mean to be so rude?!
So give your DIL a waveWink
If genuine then yes - as others have said you are coming over too strong and she is hormonally pfb - and will come to realise this when and if she has DC2. If you cut out the obsessive and give her a bit of space it will work itself out. If not her and DH will end up rowing because of you and the resentment will set in.

IfIonlyhadsomesleep · 29/05/2013 18:50

My mil is truly amazing given that her dil, me, has been truly hopeless at most areas of parenting except do

IfIonlyhadsomesleep · 29/05/2013 18:54

Sorry, except doing her best and trying hard! However, her (I assume, you'd never know it though) constant lip biting, stepping back and loving support when requested means that she actually is my first port of call for advice and support. She is also the one who gets to hold my babies when she'd like to and gets the spontaneous "you'll never guess what dc1/2/3 just did" calls and texts.

She's either just amazing, or the canniest woman alive. I don't know or care which. I just love her.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 19:28

I love mine to bits !ifonly

she didnt ever overwhelm me with unwanted advice ,pick up the DC when trying to settle or do the whole me,me,me thing .I felt she really cared about me rather than considered as an incubator Smile

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 19:29

considered me

Rosieeo · 29/05/2013 19:42

Threads like this make me wonder about people. Do they enjoy feeling offended? What's wrong with letting grandparents pick up/push/wind babies?

When mine were tiny I was grateful for any help that came my way! And who really cares if they call the baby 'my girl' or whatever? What happened to extended family? I love the fact that my children have loving grandparents who care so much about them. And who babysit on occasion.

People need to just let go a tiny little bit. Grandparents doing things differently isn't a judgement on how parents do things. Breathe.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 20:09

Rosie
I think we have had a very toned down version from the OP. For her DS to have to speak to her suggests it was way out of order and very undermining and critical.
When you have just had a baby and are getting BF established the type of help you want is practical not criticism and constantly argueing over who is holding the baby!

Queenside · 29/05/2013 20:24

You are being completely and utterly unreasonable!

She is not your baby, you do not get to pick her up without being invited to. You don't get to decide what she needs.

It sounds like you see her a lot and if you care at all about your son and granddaughter you will want their relationship to work. If you continue to interfere you could make their lives very stressful which will be bad for all of them.

Respect your DIL's position as mother and back off.

Jux · 29/05/2013 20:29

Of course you want to help, that's natural, and thank goodness you do.

However, there's help and there's, well, not help!

If a baby spits up and the mother's on the way over there, you don't help - it's getting in the way, making it more difficult, interfering, implying that the baby's mother can't wipe up a little vomit etc etc etc. Do you see what I mean?

My MIL did this. She was also always telling me how to do it her way, putting dd on a 4 hour feeding schedule when she babysat because she didn't think that dd should be fed on demand, refusing to administer prescribed medication, blah blah blah. Sme things were tiny and would have been overlooked if it hadn't been for the big things, resulting in my dreading her ever coming over, or seeing her at all.

So, ask what would be helpful, don't assume.
Pay attention to how your DIL does something and try to do things the same way.
Accept that this is not your baby and DIL's job is to look after her and yours is to be chief cook and bottle washer and to carry the bags, as it were.

I'm sure you can sort out your relationship, but at the moment she's stressed to buggery and back, has no idea that she's doing the right thing at any time (no matter how confident she seems) and she hasn't had enough sleep for a long time. So I'm afraid it's down to you.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 20:32

Don't be so ridiculous.

Of course you can pick your grandchildren up without being invited too,

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 20:33

to*

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 20:38

usual my tiny DC spent most of their time in my arms so my MIL would actually have had to walk over and take them away from me -without asking > erm No !

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 20:40

I never asked permission to pick my Grandchildren up.

Maybe I have an odd family.

inneedofrain · 29/05/2013 20:45

Apologies I have not read the whole thread

But op

Have you tried to be a bit more dil in focused?

I think a lot of first time mums feel out if our depth ( I'm sure you did) and we find it hard to find our identities again

I used to long for someone to ask ABOUT ME! How I was preferably whilst making me cupper and insisting I put my feet up whilst the baby slept

I fact I did kiss my lovely neighbor that I only knew to bid when after a very bad night and day of teething she turned up at the door with biscuits cake and a thermal mug and talked to me she made me coffee and gave me a bit of my sanity back

Maybe dil is in need of a bit of attention her dc will be getting tones and we all know you love your dcg but I bet if you just called to talk to dil she would love you for if course ask after dcg but after you aski about dil and listen to what she says

If she says I've had a terrible night dcg gas been crying etc maybe think what could you do to help dil? Offer to nip to the shops? Nip a frozen meal over?

From there it is a hop skip and a jump to baby sitting