Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of line?

301 replies

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:34

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Stellarpunk · 29/05/2013 23:32

Hmm... A reverse AIBU if ever I saw one.

I have looked but have not seen if the OP has addressed this in her thread?

Makes me angry if someone is at home sitting pretty cos some people at MN agree that her MIL is shit...

Devora · 29/05/2013 23:42

The OP didn't say that DIL wouldn't EVER let her push the pram, did she? Just that DIL snapped at her on one occasion. It was probably the culmination of a few hours of mounting irritation.

Best of luck, OP. Keep calm while hormones subside and everybody shuffles around the new family dynamics until your new roles are settled.

diddl · 30/05/2013 08:29

I hated others pushing the pram tbh.

Totally irrational I know but I wanted to say "you pushed your baby in it's pram, now you want to push mine as well??!!"

Rosieeo · 30/05/2013 08:44

People get upset because someone wants to help wipe a baby's mouth? Have I stepped into a parallel universe?

Shitsinger · 30/05/2013 08:53

Hmm whats going on? Op has a new user name ??Confused

I think its probably not down to one small thing like wiping the babys mouth but a build up - hence the Son speaking to his DM. I would love to hear both sides !

Original poster
Bwalker2012 · 30/05/2013 09:01

??? This board is very confusing I have only used this once for advice

I have got some great advice and have been able to see the situation from another angle

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 30/05/2013 09:03

Bwalker12 Wed 29-May-13 23:08:52

No my grandbaby was 6 weeks old and my dil had a c section

Rosieeo · 30/05/2013 11:27

I'd love to hear both sides too. If that's the worst thing she's done, even if she wiped the baby a dozen times, then I despair. No wonder people are so unhappy if every little thing gets on their nerves.

DuelingFanjo · 30/05/2013 11:58

AH - have you name changed? Judging by the other threads started by Bwalker12 it does sound like this is a reverse AIBU.

Maybe you can give your side of the story OP, as in - as the mother of the 4 month old?

What exactly has your MIL done to make you feel like you might be being unreasonable about not wanting her to pick up the baby etc?

stickingattwo · 30/05/2013 12:06

I dont think you being unreasonable at all - and your DIL sounds a bit oversensitive and frankly, mean, to me.

I would never talk to my MIL or mother like that - she's being a bit PFB.

Because I do understand that having the 1st grandchild means excitement all around and the grandparents relationship is very important. My lot are all 'my boy' 'my girl' 'my baby' all the time and it's never occurred to me to get annoyed, but depends what kind of family you have I suppose.

that being said, if this is the was your DIL is then you shout probably do as your son asks and tread carefully around her.

You do have my sympathy. You tried to wind the baby, it's not like you tried to give PFB chocolate or something unreasonable.

stickingattwo · 30/05/2013 12:11

I meant to add - the buugy pushing thing?

When grandparents are around I never get to push the buggy - they're so proud they want to push buggy and then have a conversation with everyone and anYone who stops to look at baby and announce that their the grandparents etc.

they are just insanely proud and happy, and there's major benefits to let others help out a bit.

lborolass · 30/05/2013 12:22

I think the reason people are asking about a reverse aibu is that as Bwalker12 you've posted about having a baby at exactly the same time as your DIL which is obviously confusing but maybe you posted on behalf of your dil at that time.

Either way whoever is the mil in this situation is being unreasonable. The dil is just getting used to a new baby, the mil needs to take a backseat until things settle down.

DuelingFanjo · 30/05/2013 12:36

If the OP is actually the baby's mother then she is being assertive about how she wants things to be, which I think it absolutely fine. At least she is telling the MIL straight what bothers her, yet the MIl is still trying to 'take over' despite having both her DIl and her son ask her to stand back a bit.

I remember having a newborn and feeling very unsure of myself, definitely not sure enough to tell people to back off. I wish I had had the courage to be more assertive and plain speaking. Though some people don't ever accept being told what to do and will do what they went anyway. I susped that the MIL is one of these people.

Come back OP and fess up.personally i think you and your DH are doing the right thing by being clear and it's a shame she is just ignoring you both.

GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 13:00

The OP was posting about having a sweep about four months ago! Can't imagine ever asking my MIL to post about my mucus plug but that's just me.

MatersMate · 30/05/2013 13:07

Awwww, I think it's well tight to have a go at the MIL for wanting to push the pram, and calling the baby 'my girl'.

If there's other stuff (like the winding, maybe that was a bit OTT) and it's all built up, but if not I feel sorry for the GM.

SpanishFly · 30/05/2013 15:52

If the OP is actually the baby's mother then she is being assertive about how she wants things to be, which I think it absolutely fine.
Except it ISNT fine cos we're therefore hearing a very skewed version of events, under the pretence of it being posted by the other party.

PLUS if it's really the DIL posting, then how the hell does SHE know if the MIL is thinking of inviting her for coffee and a chat?!! She doesn't, so it was only mentioned to add weight to her argument.

MrsLyman · 30/05/2013 16:04

Oh dear namechange fail Grin

CheeseandPickledOnion · 30/05/2013 17:01

Of for gods sake you detectives aren't very good.

There is a Bwalker2012 and a Bwalker12. Two different accounts.

Yes it might still be a RAIBU, but it's just as possible these are two different people.

suckmabigtoe · 30/05/2013 17:13

Hmm, im surprised by some o the response. Although ive not read while thread so it may have changed.

I come from a family ( and seem to know similar types) where people all talk to babies as ' my girl' etc and would think nothing if a friend/ family member just lifted our babies to wind or whatever. All you have to do is say, " oh she's all her wind up already" with a smile. Your DIL sounds very abrupt in the way she speaks to you. I dunno maybe its just different upbrinings or something but i wouldnt batt an eyelid at what you describe on the op. id be glad of the help and a granny that wanted to be involved Smile

frissonpink · 30/05/2013 17:22

You sound like my MIL.

DD is now 7 months. We barely see MIL because of an attitude like yours!

The baby is not yours. You had your turn. It's not up to you to just pick up her child and wind it. How presumptious.

Carry on by all means, but it won't end well!

You need to focus on building a relationship with your DIL first. My MIL hasn't bothered, she's the one losing out. Think about it. If your DIL doesn't like you, you're not going to get any time with your gc!

DuelingFanjo · 30/05/2013 17:28

"There is a Bwalker2012 and a Bwalker12. Two different accounts."

no you are not very good. Both have posted in this thread. take a look.

lborolass · 30/05/2013 17:33

Two different accounts but not two different people - very different things Cheese.

Fwiw I don't think it's odd that the two accounts are similar as I've seen posters before who have slightly different log ins on different devices, it's more noticeable since the OPs posts are highlighted. The unusual thing here is that the same poster has posted as both parties which also wouldn't be odd if this thread was a reverse aibu.

Please come back and clarify OP.

suckmabigtoe · 30/05/2013 17:36

Oh FFS!! Why do people di that stupid reverse threads? They always catch themselves out and they never get the answers they actually need, just the ones theyve engineered the thread to produce.

suckmabigtoe · 30/05/2013 17:37

Be honest about it and you'll get the answers you need to hear and not just the ones you want to hear

Shitsinger · 30/05/2013 17:38

and they are both replying as the MIL !