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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of line?

301 replies

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:34

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
doublecakeplease · 29/05/2013 20:58

I really wanted my mil to feel like DS was part 'hers' too when he was born. My mum is just around the corner so didn't want her to feel left out at all.

When we visited or they came to us she'd be desperately trying to avoid looking like she was desperate to get her hands on him so as not to be overpowering and, whilst it was sweet i hated the fact that she didn't feel able tp be natural with him.

We laughed at her mean and explained that she didn't need to ask or wait to be offered! I don't understand this 'mothers ownership' thing (unless pnd issues where i totally accept that people should fit in with mum's needs if possible)

I LOVE the relationship DS (now 15 months) has with his gp. Me and DH have first dibs on DS at home on our own - we don't need control all the time!

Rosieeo · 29/05/2013 21:05

Shitsinger We could assume many things. I'm basing my post on the information given. I NEVER expected grandparents to ask my permission to burp/feed/change/pick up the baby and as for being told off for using affectionate pet names, that's just ridiculous and overly-sensitive. Your baby will always be just that, so unless you live with your in-laws I don't see the issue. Unless they're dangerous or drunks. Or dangerous drunks. That would be bad, of course.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 21:38

I only went on my own experienceRosieeo - if my DP had gone as far as to speak to his DM it would signify a pretty major issue .
I EBF both my babies - they were always in my arms,being fed etc.
If my MIL had taken them away from me, out of my arms, it would have been very wierd.
Again just my experience.

youarewinning · 29/05/2013 21:39

usual does have a good point. I think there's a fine boundary between asking permission (which sounds strange when written down) and jut picking it up (which does sound disrespectful). Confused

To me though I see a difference between picking up for cuddles - that's fine, and picking up purely to wind - that's interfering. I think it is polite to ask someone to pick up a baby - for example if you've just walked in and have no idea of whats been happening but when my family were around with me I would never have expected them to ask to pick DS up, and if he cried and they picked him up and he actually stopped crying I was just grateful!

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 21:45

I think it really is down to the relationship you have with PIL/DP.
"Shall I pick him up" ? is different to grabbing a baby who is just about to settle and going on endlessly about wind when the childs mother knows he is tired and grizzling a bit before settling.

maddening · 29/05/2013 21:55

definitely ask or wait t be offered.

Also - when you visit spend time with your son, spend time with your DIL, ask how she is first.

Don't criticise or suggest. If you buy gifts and clothes then buy with their taste in mind. Buy a little gift for DIL.

some mils can make their dils feel like chattels - remember your dgc is her daughter and your dil is a person who is v important to your son and dgc so nurture and work on that relationship

BarredfromhavingStella · 29/05/2013 22:03

Most definitely down to the relationship as all the things in the OP I wouldn't bat an eyelid at with my MIL...

springtide · 29/05/2013 22:18

Sorry if I'm repeating anything but havent had a chance to read the later posts. I think that people have been quite harsh on you bwalker. I do think the mother/daughter relationship will tend to naturally be different to Mother/dauhjter-in-law. I certainly allowed my Mum to be very much more involved than my SIL I also know that my Mum has found this hard and hadn't always held her tongue.
But its still early days Bwalker - No doubt at some point they'll be happy for you to push the pram and give them a break! Maybe at the moment be careful to let your DIL take control. Be patient and give them a chance to settle down and hopefully you'll have a lovely relationship with your granddaughter and DIL Good luck.

southeastastra · 29/05/2013 22:27

wow i really feel sorry for the op! she only sounds like she wants to help out - these threads make me dread being a mil!

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 22:43

Ain't that the truth, SEA

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 22:45

I find it quite bizarre that the DIL won't even let anyone else push the pram.

strictlovingmum · 29/05/2013 22:58

Yes, I don't get the pram thing too Confused

WestieMamma · 29/05/2013 22:58

The OP didn't say the DIL won't let anyone else push the pram. She said her DIL was going to push it first.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 23:02

What she hadn't pushed the pram in 4 months?

strictlovingmum · 29/05/2013 23:06

But Westie really, Does it matter who does it first?
If it meant that much to my MIL, I would have let her push the pram as much as she wanted to, unless DIL was trying to establish some sort of hierarchy control, childish really.

WestieMamma · 29/05/2013 23:08

Who knows? My baby is 6 weeks old today and so far I've been out with him in his pram twice. (Both occasions while MIL was visiting last week as it happens :o)

Bwalker12 · 29/05/2013 23:08

No my grandbaby was 6 weeks old and my dil had a c section

She did let me push the pram later on during our walk

jacks365 · 29/05/2013 23:09

The granddaughter is nearly 4 months but we don't know when the incident with the pram occurred, it may have been in the first week.

None of the incidents are much on their own but they do seem to add up to someone over stepping the line.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 23:14

Have you name changed Bwalker?

Midori1999 · 29/05/2013 23:15

Well, the OP has agreed completely' with someone on page 1 who said her DIL sounds horrible, so it seems like there is no love lost between them on both sides...

Why would anyone even ask to push a pram FFS?! It's just a pram. I can't imagine any of my relatives asking to push the pram, it just all seems so childish. Confused

OP, regardless of what anyone here thinks, your DIL and son clearly do think YABU. If you carry on then you will just alienate your DIL and possibly your son further and get to see your grandchild even less, I would imagine, because they won't want to spend time in your company.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 23:15
strictlovingmum · 29/05/2013 23:15

Incidents, really jacks?
Biological grandmother over stepping the line? Hmm

C999875 · 29/05/2013 23:18

No I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable you want an active role in your granddaughters life, in my book that is hardly the crime of the century. However it's early days yet and most new mums are possessive with their new borns. Don't take it personal. You sound like wonderful grandmother and yes your D.I.L would certainly have something to say if you didn't want to get involved. I was very possessive in the early days and I must admit throughout her childhood as well. She never played out in the street, yes for her safety but I also think it was a a case of no you're not having her she's mine. It seems dramatic I know but I just love her company so much and I do not like being with out her. I know that seems wrong but we'd always make our own fun. Playing games ect.
She's a teenager now and stays out once a week, tonight she's staying at her friends. I am surprized at how independent she has became, she can do her own washing, ironing and can cook. We're still very very close, but I kind of feel redundant T.B.H as she is totally independent but I once heard that if your children are not dependent on you it's supposed to mean you're really good mum. xxx

HeffalumpTheFlump · 29/05/2013 23:19

I wonder if there is a bit more to this. It sounds like your dil may have been feeling this way for a while, and has now over reacted to these particular things? I would try and talk to her to ask her what she is and isn't comfortable with and how she is feeling. Use the opportunity to explain that you aren't trying to take over or criticise in any way, you just want to be as involved as possible and help in any way you can.

jacks365 · 29/05/2013 23:21

Picking up a baby to wind her when not needed.
Objecting because mum wanted to push her child.
Trying to help mum wipe baby's mouth.

These are just somethings she's mentioned doing. No biological grandparents do not have the right to override parents wishes. Trying to take over is over stepping the line.

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