Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I out of line?

301 replies

Bwalker2012 · 29/05/2013 10:34

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 15:03

I think you got some harsh replies on here OP.

Don't back off too much though or your DIL will be moaning that you don't care enough.

You can't win

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 29/05/2013 15:09

With Hec all the way.

You pushing to spend time with your grandchild will be really annoying DIL. If you get to spend any time at all with your grandchild then you are lucky. Not your child and your only interaction is via invitation. You need to accept this. You have no rights and rely on the goodwill of DIL/ds.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 15:09

Umm thegreylady if you read the OP she wasnt being respectful and deferring to her DIL she was talking over her and doing as she pleased without bothering to form a relationship with her

within the family the bonds of love tie us together and we belong to one another
OMG if my MIL came out with that I would make a run for it !

garlicgrump · 29/05/2013 15:10

Eccentrica, this has reminded me of something creepy, but I can't remember where from ... It is only my MIL who shuts herself in the room with her. So she shuts out not just me and DP, but also FIL, my DP's brother, and any other family members who are around. It's beyond weird. She even did it at a family party and many people noticed/commented on it.

In the thing I can't quite recall, the mother was grooming the baby for sexual abuse. She had strange, private routines with nappy-rash cream, which extended to further abuse as the child grew.

I know I'm scaremongering. But what you've described is beyond weird, you know? I think you should establish exactly what's going on.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 15:11

You cant win
Thats the point its not a competition !!

pictish · 29/05/2013 15:12

You pushing to spend time with your grandchild will be really annoying DIL. If you get to spend any time at all with your grandchild then you are lucky. Not your child and your only interaction is via invitation. You need to accept this. You have no rights and rely on the goodwill of DIL/ds.

Now...while I do think the OP has been rather (unintentionally) steamrollerey...I have tosay I do find that a bit stark.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 15:13

garlic that was a thread on hereSad

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 15:13

I think thegreyladys post is the best post on the thread.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 29/05/2013 15:14

But it's the bottom line, Pictish.

pictish · 29/05/2013 15:15

I don't think having a relationship with your grandchild is 'lucky'. Sorry.
It is to be expected.

garlicgrump · 29/05/2013 15:16

Thanks, Shitsinger, I wondered if it was ... I do hope Eccentrica will clamp down on this, whatever the motive.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 29/05/2013 15:17

Grandparents are involved to the extent that parents are prepared to allow. OP needs to realise this. A sense of entitlement will only further strain the weak relationship OP has with DIL.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 15:18

I've read it all now.

You only get to interact with your grandchildren by invitaton?

How wrong is that

pictish · 29/05/2013 15:19

If you get to spend any time at all with your grandchild then you are lucky.

I cannot agree with that. No way.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 15:19

Too right I feel entitled to have a relationship with my grandchildren.

MrsLyman · 29/05/2013 15:20

Grandparents are involved to the extent that parents are prepared to allow. OP needs to realise this. A sense of entitlement will only further strain the weak relationship OP has with DIL.

What about the child's entitlement to a relationship with its grandparents?

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 29/05/2013 15:22

Well, we'll sit back and see just where entitlement gets OP.
Estranged I should imagine, lol.

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 15:23

If she's estranged it won't be her fault.

fastyspeedyfast · 29/05/2013 15:23

I think your DIL is being unreasonable, based on what's been told. But I suspect that 1) there's a backstory that explains her sensitivity and 2) unreasonable or not, it's her ballgame. You need to improve your relationship with DIL so that you can have a good relationship with your grandchildren. If you've been disapproving/judgemental/rude to DIL in the past, now's the time to start again. That will take time.

garlicgrump · 29/05/2013 15:23

I bet those possessive mothers are the same mothers who'll post indignantly that their parents or in-laws won't babysit on command!

WinterRoses · 29/05/2013 15:30

I do not think your being unreasonable at all your dil sounds very precious and ungrateful and all the people saying that you are, are very probably the same people that moan that their parents or in-laws will not mind their children and they get no me time!!

eccentrica · 29/05/2013 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 15:36

Sorry but snorting at ungrateful !!
Yep cos we all want a woman who cant be bothered to get to know us coming round and talking over us and interfering !

Shitsinger · 29/05/2013 15:37

I should add my MIL is not like that at all !

GoblinGranny · 29/05/2013 15:40

Those possessive mothers who were encouraged and supported and made to feel confident and appreciated by their parents and parents in law will become those that have a close relationship with them, and may even come to laugh about some of the sillier things that they did whilst under the influence.
Because when you are overwhelmed and a bit scared and excited and crammed full of the latest parenting bullshit from multiple sources, the last thing you need is an argument, or someone else's ego getting in the way.
You need someone to step back, be nice and save their smiles for later, when you've reconnected with the norm.

Swipe left for the next trending thread