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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

"If my son was a dog, I'd put him down"

214 replies

PoppyAmex · 29/05/2013 08:41

Yes, I know IBU for reading Daily Mail links, but I just don't understand where they get people like this woman from.

I'm pregnant at the moment and this article really made me sad, it's just so undignified for everyone involved.

here

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 29/05/2013 10:24

Oh yes and we had a private diagnosis which was ignored by the local authority so have received zero help too Sad

cory · 29/05/2013 10:29

PoppyAmex Wed 29-May-13 10:21:15

"I wonder if that article raised any awareness for the challenges of being a carer / parent of a SN child?

I suppose we're discussing it here, but I wonder how the general public would perceive it?"

The general public has been exposed to a constant drip drip of disabled people= benefit scroungers for the last few years. A good percentage will no doubt take it in the spirit in which it was written. Sad

Though hopefully it will trigger more and more outward looking rejoinders than the ones on here.

BumpingFuglies · 29/05/2013 10:32

A spectacularly unhelpful and downright nasty article which will no doubt do a lot of damage to the perception, or even EXISTENCE of ADHD.

I am apalled.

infamouspoo · 29/05/2013 10:34

dreadful article. I really feel for that woman.

And what someone said earlier 'It's the fact that all around you, you see parents enjoying their children and having fun and you know this will never be your life.

I really feel for her.'

That. I know the feeling. I feel like it every day.

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2013 10:35

Is there really doubt though other tha n in the minds of dm colourer inners? I work in child health and it's widely discussed as fact - I didnt realise till afterwards that some people try the poor parenting argument.

katedan · 29/05/2013 10:35

The tone of the DM article was terrible (why am I not surprised!). It seems to question the existence of ADHD and put the blame on mum who has been divorced 3 times!!!

This article will just isolate other families with a special needs child who feel they cannot cope.

disgusting!!!!!

cory · 29/05/2013 10:44

A point about genetics:

Regardless of the fact that many hereditary disorders are diagnosed too late to be included in family planning, there are limitations to what a genethicist can do for you.

My mother is the carrier of HEDS, a connective tissue disorder that can cause a lifetime of crippling disability- or no particular symptoms at all.

The likelihood of one sufferer passing it on to his or her children is thought to be 50%. So when I inherited the syndrome but my two biological brothers did not, this was the kind of outcome that could have been expected from a genethicist's advice.

What no genethicist will be able to tell you is how it will affect your own life:

My mother has had periods of difficulty but has managed to lead a fairly normal life, worked part time and brought up 4 children, though very much with the help of my strong and indefatigable father.

I have had very little inconvenience from the condition and have in fact worked as a manual labourer: I just had to remember not to support the pick-axe on my weak joints.

Dd has spent most of her life battling chronic pain and has often been dependent on a wheelchair. She is now learning to do without it but is on strong painkillers. We don't know what the future holds. But at the moment she is in education and hoping to train as an actress.

Ds went through a few years of intermittent pain which then stopped. It may never re-occur. He is now a fit and healthy 13yo.

So how could anyone have foreseen which one of us should not have been born?

Even if the woman in question knew she had ADHD (which is not clear) and knew it was hereditary (a big if) and knew what the odds were (not sure anyone does know with ADHD), she still wouldn't know how ADHD would affect her son. And there was no way she could have known that her son would be born with additional learning difficulties.

StarlightMcKenzie · 29/05/2013 10:48

And tall people take up far too much room on public transport!

MrsBB1982 · 29/05/2013 10:54

Cory excellent point. The genetics of ADHD and related learning disabilities is poorly understood. However what is glanced over in the article is his growth hormone deficiency. This is almost certainly the source of the majority of his issues

Having had a severe SN uncle who sadly passed away recently I know the effect it has on families. My uncle was the youngest and my Dad said they became a 'dsiabled family overnight'. Everything changed. Instantly. Don't get me wrog - he was loved dearly but my Dad, his other brothers and their parents lost the 'normal' life so many of us take for granted.

Maybe her phrasing could have been better but she's only saying what many people in a similar situation have thought on at least one occasion

GoblinGranny · 29/05/2013 10:57

Well, PoppyAmex let's hope that you are never in that position, with a child or children with additional needs and very little support and help from anywhere. Family, friends, education, the medical profession, society in general. Everywhere there is no support.
I'm in my 18th year of parenting an explosive Aspie, and comparing my life to hers is like the difference between a teaspoon and a bath of troubles, and yet I've been at breaking point more than once.
And no, you are not coming across as someone who struggles with English, but as someone who really believes that the unthinkable will not happen to you. I didn't think it would be me either.
Where do we find these people? Everywhere if you open your eyes.
One of the very few times I have truly been enraged here is with a poster who believed that parents of a child with SN should have masses of strength and be able to deal with ignorance and judgemental posters on here and shrug it all off.
It's not an option, if you have a child with an SN, you have no fucking choice but to keep going,one foot in front of the other for as long as it takes and you don't know how long the journey is. Which is why the SN boards here are invaluable because others on the path are there for you, even if they themselves don't understand the pressure or the demands in the same way.
I often can't help, I'm on the fringes of their experience of life.
But 'if he was a dog, I'd put him down'? I can understand that and pity her, all she wants is the struggle to end as she sees no other option. How will she cope when she's 80?
How would you, Poppy?
The mother in the article has this child/man for life, for as long as she's still breathing, What other choice does she have? Very few, especially if she loves him still and no one else does.

cory · 29/05/2013 11:01

And it is clear from the article what she actually hopes.

She doesn't want the euthanasia brigade to turn up on the doorstep; she wants a residential home for him.

Somewhere where he will be safe and looked after by people who can give him the best quality of life possible- because they get to go home at night and they get to retire when their bodies start failing.

That will have been the hope the journalist held out to her, that somebody would listen and help to put pressure on the powers that be.

Timetoask · 29/05/2013 11:05

Poppy: You replied to my post with the following:
"
Did you read my posts? I know English isn't my first language, but I wasn't judging anyone, except perhaps the editorial line of this newspaper and mourning the loss of dignity people seem to endure when desperate enough to give an interview to a tabloid.

I'm not sure you intended to wish me well there, but I'll choose to think you did and thank you."

I read this like in your "..but I just don't understand where they get people like this woman from..." I am sorry if I took it wrong, but to me it clearly is judging the woman, rather than the journalist.

With regards to my wishes, believe me, my wishes for your healthy baby are real. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sarcasm is not my style.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 29/05/2013 11:15

I feel sorry for her. To have four children with problems must be overwhelming. Why she had the fourth though, I don't know. I would not have risked having more children if all of my existing ones had been diagnosed with health conditions. The likelihood of problems with another child must have been pretty high.

StarlightMcKenzie · 29/05/2013 11:46

She had a new partner before the 3rd. That probably played some part in the decision.

PoppyAmex · 29/05/2013 11:50

Goblin I have a (what appears so far to be) an NT 14 months' child and I struggle every day, I really do.

So you're absolutely right, I can't begin to imagine what type of challenges anyone in that situation faces. I also don't think it's their obligation to accept whatever bad hand was dealt to them and bear it with grace.

I think you only read my first post; I've already admitted the phrasing was off, my thought process was a different one altogether. If you're interested, here's my stream of consciousness, hand on heart without censoring myself:

  1. How the hell do they persuade people to bare their souls like this. Do they not know to expect this? I've only lived in the UK for comparatively short time and I know what to expect from tabloids.
  1. Why isn't there a governing body regulating press ethics in the UK? It works perfectly in many other countries and I've never seen it interfere with freedom of speech. A lot of what's written is unethical, inhumane and some of it is akin to hate speech.
  1. I personally feel that interview didn't help anyone understand the challenges carers/ parents of SN children face. But maybe it was cathartic for her or helped her get some support - I hope something good came out of it.

My mother was a Paediatric Psychiatrist for 35 years and from a very young age I've been aware of how very many bad things can happen to anyone.

TimetoAsk thanks, I hoped that was the case - the alternative was too depressing to contemplate.

OP posts:
Bluebirdonmyshoulder · 29/05/2013 11:50

Why do we expect parents of SN children to just suck it up? Why is it that if a parent says they cant cope or have had enough, we make out that they dont love their kids?

This. Thank you wannabe.

And EVERYTHING Yesanastasia said too.

I admire this woman for being honest and to the DM cunt journo who wrote this article, yes, it is a wee bit disappointing to find out your child has a disability.

cory · 29/05/2013 12:01

"1. How the hell do they persuade people to bare their souls like this. Do they not know to expect this? I've only lived in the UK for comparatively short time and I know what to expect from tabloids."

This is assuming that everybody is educated enough to analyse the tabloids and see through them. And if that was the case, then nobody would buy them in the first place. Which they evidently do.

Also, even if you did know in theory that the Mail is a pile of lying poo, you might still be taken in by an ever so nice and persuasive journalist who pretends to be ever so sympathetic and promises to put your cause across. Imagine you are in this place: you might not see another human being to talk to from one end of the week to the other, all the neighbours likely shun you and the child's father treats you like a liar, and then somebody turns up at your doorstep and pretends to listen- might you not fall for it?

Dh nearly fell for a telephone swindle when he was exhausted with worry over our disabled child; exhaustion just plays havoc with your critical faculties.

"2. Why isn't there a governing body regulating press ethics in the UK? It works perfectly in many other countries and I've never seen it interfere with freedom of speech. A lot of what's written is unethical, inhumane and some of it is akin to hate speech."

To be frank, I've seen a lot of poo written in tabloids in other countries too.

"3. I personally feel that interview didn't help anyone understand the challenges carers/ parents of SN children face."

You can say that again. But then that was hardly the intention of the journalist either.

StarlightMcKenzie · 29/05/2013 12:05

I short, that article says:

Irresponsible mother gets what she deserves and dares to whinge about it.

GoblinGranny · 29/05/2013 12:06

OP, desperation might well be the reason.
A few years back, Riven was a regular poster on MN, she was honest, articulate, passionate and had a fantastic sense of humour.
She also regularly got into debates on the main boards with posters, some of whom displayed their ignorance and insensitivity in diverse ways, others where the sort of responses that you'd hope for in a better society.

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/jan/19/mother-disabled-daughter-care

After the shitstorm that ensued, she left MN. I don't know if she's lurking, posting under a different name or if the level of support she needed actually materialised. But she was amazing, even at the end of her tether.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/05/2013 13:19

I happily did not read the Mail story and will not.

I do find it a bit hard to stomach on here though, having a child with a similar mental age, when people with purely NT children say "they know where she is coming from as it must be so awful having a child with developmental delays".

or they agree "if a dog was attacking you you'd have it put down".

I do sympathise with the mother though.

Should probably hide this thread for the same reasons as I refuse to read the Daily Mail article (self preservation). Although I am sure some very sensible posters have made decent points. It's the Daily Mail comment type people I am trying to avoid in life, and I am sure a few will sneak into the thread.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/05/2013 13:20

I sympathise having merely read about the gist of the article and headline. Maybe I wouldn't if I read it, but I am sure she was well stitched up.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/05/2013 13:28

HollyBerryBush Wed 29-May-13 08:54:08
As pointed out to me by an academic scientist (of some sort), animals sense when there is something wrong with their young and eat them.

errr FFS x 1000000

HazelnutinCaramel · 29/05/2013 13:28

I'm not going to judge her. As the mother to two healthy children, how can I? Her life must be miserable and she has my sympathy.

crashdoll · 29/05/2013 13:29

Fanjo I do find it a bit hard to stomach on here though, having a child with a similar mental age, when people with purely NT children say "they know where she is coming from as it must be so awful having a child with developmental delays".

If you're still reading, can I ask what exactly about people saying things like that makes it hard to stomach? Is it assuming that they know how she is feeling? That part I would agree with - the whole "walk a mile in a person's shoes" thing. I just thought people were trying to express empathy, albeit somewhat in a clumsy way. I'm not being snarky btw, just genuinely asking. :)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/05/2013 13:31

Because i love my child to bits and don't need sympathy for having her.

Nor do I want to eat her Hmm or put her down.

In fact when she had severe allergic reaction yesterday I was distraught just as much as any one else would be over an NT child.

Would you all like sympathy because it must be "so awful having children like yours".

No...

so...