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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 00:12

Hi everyone. Sorry to keep you waiting. Our pc is in the middle of a pretty much open plan house and I didn't want to be overlooked. Have now had two short chats with DP. The first one I said that dd thought he was obsessed with Z, and he looked really shocked, and then I said I felt uncomfortable about the amount of time her was spending with her, to which he said a strangled 'sorry'. That was last night (Thurs). This morning (Fri) we had sex - first time in ages ( due to me) and when I asked what brought it on, he said he didn't want me to feel 'funny'. We did the bike ride on our own, moderately successful - lots of mud. Then when we got back DP went to music shop, and I 'checked' his emails. He had left his laptop open - lately he's changed his password(!), and I found several emails between him and Z - pretty innocuous I have to say eg - he sent some youtube clips to watch/listen to, she told him what she and her friend had for their meal out.
Ok, so I'm feeling better, but still not happy. This evening I asked him to imagine things the other way round ie if I had been spending time with a pupil's father, going for runs together ( oh yes, that gave me a shock too) helping with problems, and then I walked away. After a while he followed me and read me the latest email - does ds want to go to archery with them tomorrow? and then he admitted that while he was out getting music, he called Z to see if they had been bike riding, and guess what, her youngest had a puncture so they were walking home, and so he went round and gave them a lift back. quote - it only took 5 minutes! I asked him why he had to keep these things secret - he didn't have a proper answer.
So now - do I keep chipping away at him - ask him not to see her? or if he does to tell me? Shall I ask Z's husband if he is happy with the friendship? shall I ask her anything?
Sorry for the length!

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 01/06/2013 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieLady · 01/06/2013 00:21

Don't ask her nor her husband anything. The bottom line is that your husband is behaving oddly and you're uncomfortable and unhappy. Spell it out to him that he needs to stop spending time with her as you're unhappy.

By the way, it doesn't matter it was only five minutes picking her and her dc up due to puncture it's the fact that he kept it a secret that it is very worrying. Furthermore, not giving an answer to why he didn't tell you rings alarm bells.

Loulybelle · 01/06/2013 00:25

I would tell him that you expect him back after the lesson, if he doesnt stick to that, then he should stop going all together.

StuntGirl · 01/06/2013 00:27

Oh OP :(

Speaking to him has changed absolutely nothing has it?

I would speak to him again and tell him definitively his behaviour is utterly unacceptable, and ask him exactly what changes he's going to make - because it's up to him to change, not you.

I would also have a think about where my personal line was. How much will you put up with? How much will you take before you decide to make a few changes of your own?

ClartyCarol · 01/06/2013 00:32

It almost sounds like he can't keep away from her. You're still unhappy so yes, you need to discuss it again with him. I think you need to ask him outright if there is an attraction and why he feels the need to do all tgese things for her.

The change of password would worry me.

needanewnickname · 01/06/2013 00:34

I don't feel qualified to advise on what you say to your partner, but I agree with CookieLady that the conversations need to be between you and your partner, rather than between you and Z or Z's husband.

Bobyan · 01/06/2013 00:37

I would be asking him which testicle he wanted me to rip off first if I were you OP, but I'm not great at giving sensible advice...

Maybe Heather's suggestion of going over and checking might be a way of embarrassing them both.

Hopes Anyfucker will be along soon...

Xales · 01/06/2013 00:37

So you tell him you are uncomfortable with their friendship and the next thing he does is call her as soon as he is out the house alone and go and meet her as there is another puncture after he brought the puncture repair kit. Amazing coincidence that.

He has changed his passwords. Is sending her song links.

Is he planning on taking DS to archery with her now tomorrow? Its all open and above board so how could you object?

I would point out to your H secrets destroy trust. No trust destroys the marriage.

Any more secrets and your marriage is over.

StuntGirl · 01/06/2013 00:37

He sounds like a fucking tool, in all honesty.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 00:38

Thanks all - loads of common sense as usual. It's finding the courage to say the right thing that is hard. I may not respond on here for a while.

OP posts:
Boomba · 01/06/2013 00:39

He didn't keep it a secret, did he? Confused sounds like he told OP pretty soon after he returned

But, why on earth did he think it was appropriate to phone her about her day/cycle ride after you had just told him you are uncomfortable with their friendship??

Id want him to stop all contact, including music lessons. I bet he won't

D0oinMeCleanin · 01/06/2013 00:41

To be perfectly fair, if I thought someone was reading my emails and personal messages I would change every password and username I ever used.

I'd also be vair pissed orf and would think less of the person in question for not trusting me.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 00:41

X posted again. If ds wants to go to archery, we shall both take him to Z's house and drop off.
And I found out he didn't buy the puncture thing - he was only looking at them. However, coincidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 00:44

doin - I have never felt the need to read his emails until a few days ago, and then found I couldn't (until today). And he's had many friendships with women, but not like this ( re your earlier post)

OP posts:
Bobyan · 01/06/2013 00:48

I think you should insist that you do the drop off for archery along. It will give you a chance to "size her up" without your "D"H being there.

Bobyan · 01/06/2013 00:49

along = alone

PowerPants · 01/06/2013 00:53

I agree with Bobya, do the drop off alone. Good plan.

ratbagcatbag · 01/06/2013 00:56

I wouldbe absolutely coming down on this like a ton of bricks, but rather than dictate he can't see her, I'd put it another way, I'd ask why he'd got so little respect for me and our marriage why he felt it was ok to contact her after wht we'd discussed previously. And I would damn well wait for his answer, this has got the beginnings of an affair all over it. At the risk of being flamed, 11 years ago, I was the OW ( before I get lynched I am now best friends with my DH ex and they both had affairs), and this was how it started, reasons to meet, single CDs passed to each other, (before days of you tube links), even trivial chats about nothing, because it was just an excuse to talk to him. Being all pathetic and girly "ooh can you help with x,y and z, I just can't manage it on my own" a bit pathetic now, but at the time it was just any excuse to meet, we just thought it was friendly flirting, but then it started to feel more, opportunities came up, a work conference where he was staying over, so went along and well the rest his history and he's lay snoring next to me.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 00:57

Ha! 'size her up' - she'd about a foot taller than me! I already know her. But yes, I'll do the drop off. And pick him up. No need for long chats/ cups of tea. Still tempted to say something tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 00:57

She's

OP posts:
piratecat · 01/06/2013 00:59

so what if you read his emails. he is acting in a way that has upset you and made you suspicious. plus your dd has noticed his silly behaviour. bless her she must be concerned.
i cannot believe after having sex. spending the day together and talking that he makes some feeble excuse to get out of the house so he can phone her. then he tells you he has and that absolves himShock Angry somehow???

not good. Sad

Loulybelle · 01/06/2013 00:59

Not sure if saying things is a good idea, even passive aggressive, like, "So my husband is sure around alot, DD thinks hes obsessed with you", its make you look crazy xx

Bobyan · 01/06/2013 01:00

Could you also accidentally take your DH's mobile with you? Just interested to see if she calls him once you leave?

Loulybelle · 01/06/2013 01:01

Oooo, i'd go for Bobyan's idea.