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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
badinage · 01/06/2013 01:01

Why do you need courage to tell your own husband how you feel about this and what you want to happen?

What do you fear?

Bobyan · 01/06/2013 01:03

If its not passworded I would also install a tracking app to watch where he is going.

But maybe I'm just a bit of a snooping cow...

FairPhyllis · 01/06/2013 01:04

I'd want him to stop giving the lessons and to stop seeing her. If he refuses I'd ask him why her friendship is more important than the trust in your marriage.

Boomba · 01/06/2013 01:05

Why is either one of you taking dc to her house??

Just take dc to artery yourselves if its necessary, or don't take them

But, stop having contact with her

piratecat · 01/06/2013 01:05

i would not engage with her one more bit.
no archery. ds isn't going to miss anything special.
the woman is over stepping here. i would not be taking my son to her leaving my husband at home like a naughty boy.
in fact i would let my husband take him rather than go anywhere near this woman. if my husband went it would be a big marker of his respect to me.

RocksThatIGot · 01/06/2013 01:06

I think the fact that there are 'several' emails between them is weird in itself...is he is just their music teacher then why would they need to send each other links and talk about what they had for dinner? It sounds like they are definitely a bit infatuated with each other. I think you have played it exactly the right way though. You have outed what is going on and therefore hopefully diffused the situation. He will know you are watching him like a hawk with binoculars, and you have taken away any kind of thrill he may have been getting from the secrecy of what is happening.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 01:08

The phone doesn't have a password it has a grid of 9 dots and you have to trace a pattern to unlock it, and he keeps it close. He never used to.
badinage I fear The door opening to all kinds of stuff, I fear him saying no - she's a friend. What then? I fear the end of the relationship. Isn't that normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 01:10

Thanks rocks

OP posts:
D0oinMeCleanin · 01/06/2013 01:11

Tracking App? Bloody hell. I really have stepped into a parallel universe. Please people do not move oop north. Up here we do help people put and give lifts because it is the polite thing to do and cake does not = shagging. It's still a simple mixture of flour, butter, sugar and eggs. No condoms required Hmm

OP, good luck in your continued stalking but tbh if yiou were my partner I'd have reported you long ago.

Cosmosim · 01/06/2013 01:12

I would look her in the eye and tell her that THIS is now over. If she wants your husband to help her with bits round the house, she will need to wait until you've finished divorcing him. Hold your nerve, turn on your heel and say nothing else.

She will then call him and when you get home, he'll get very upset with you etc.

Tell him calmly he does not get to make a fool out of you. If he wants her, he can divorce you first.

badinage · 01/06/2013 01:14

Fearing the end of the relationship's normal, but it's not good to fear having the sort of conversation that's so desperately needed here. If there's a can of worms (and I think there is) it needs to be opened.

Stopping this in its tracks yourself is all very well, but your marriage is always going to have this shadow unless he is honest with you about what's been going on and you both confront it head on.

If you don't confront this, the relationship will be lost anyway won't it?

Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 01:15

We're not married, although we have been together 14 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 01:19

See you tomorrow.

OP posts:
badinage · 01/06/2013 01:21

Think about what's the worst that could happen if you tell him what boundaries you want him to put in place with this and future 'friendships' with women.

He could say no, he won't.

He could tell you he's in love with her.

He could tell you they've been having an affair.

You need to know those things don't you? Because if you don't know them, your marriage is not going to work is it?

It's always better to know than to be making decisions about your life uninformed. Because that would mean living a lie and I assume no-one wants to do that if they want to hang on to their own sanity and self-esteem.

Boomba · 01/06/2013 01:21

Or....you could invite her and her husband round for dinner?

badinage · 01/06/2013 01:39

I think it's really telling OP that you're frightened of rocking the boat here.

If you were secure of your own worth, you wouldn't even be considering making any interventions yourself to stop this. You'd realise that it would only be worth anything if he put a stop to it.

You told him your feelings about this - and moments later he contacted this woman.

At that point, I would have realised that he was making a choice and so that left me free to make my own.

Which would mean telling him quite clearly that you are no longer willing to be made a fool of and your child worried by dad's feelings for another woman and so you're exiting the picture.

If he realises the worth of what he's losing for this woman, he'll take the right action himself.

If he doesn't, better to know that now rather than later.

I wouldn't sully myself with doing anything to stop this and I definitely wouldn't be talking to the woman herself, asking her round to dinner, trying to befriend her or taking over his errands lest he can't control himself in her company.

Because if he doesn't sort himself out, there will be other women just like her and it's not your role in life to police his fidelity.

It's his.

And he isn't.

ElectricSheep · 01/06/2013 01:43

Was the 'spontaneous' phone call him warning her that you suspect something Sad

Sorry I know you don't want to hear that, but that was my first thought reading this.

I think I'd insist that he had to stop giving lessons to this child and no longer see the mum. Bit paranoid maybe - but what's it worth to him? His relationship... or the loss of £20 or so for a music lesson once a week? Versus your peace of mind.

SquinkiesRule · 01/06/2013 02:36

Big flags, he's changed his email password and is glued to his phone.
Put that over in Relationships and you'll find that was the first couple of sign that many women found their Dh's were cheating, or about to start with another woman. He's trying to keep it all cool and pretending it's above board, but he is already having an emtional affair, whether it went further? only they know.
I'd be blunt on the next conversation, ask for his passwords, tell him he's acting weird, and acting like he has something to hide (the beginnings of an affair) ask him if he values his family life with you or is looking to leave. If he wants to stay then he needs to cool it with this family, maybe even drop them from having lessons, refer them to someone else. If he values you he wouldn't want to hurt you in this way, and even your child has seen it between him and her.

WinkyWinkola · 01/06/2013 06:01

He's thinking about this woman and what she is doing far too much.

Why would he actually care if she'd been on a bike ride or not?

Why on earth would she be telling the music teacher about a meal she has?

I wouldn't know what to do though.

whosiwhatsit · 01/06/2013 06:13

Definitely do not confront the other woman as that will make you look unhinged and will give them a reason to turn to each other. Won't do you any good at all - you need to play it much cooler than that.

Simply tell him that you are not comfortable with his friendship with this woman and that him running off to see her immediately after you brought it up the first time only confirms your suspicions. Then tell him you want him to cut off all contact - and that if they run into each other by accident you want him to nod and smile as he walks right by her. Obviously the music lessons must stop. if he tells you it isnt fair on your children to cut contact with her family then say its your children being uncomfortable with the situation that brought it to your attention in the first place. See what he says to this request and take it from there.

Your ds knows something is up too, which is why he mentioned the repair kit. That didn't sit right with him just as things aren't sitting right with your ds or you.

I know this is scary but your best chance is to clearly and firmly put a stop to this before it crosses that line. I don't think it has yet as they're both pretending to themselves, you, and each other that there's nothing going on here. If they get to the point where they admit to themselves and each other hat there is indeed more here than friendship you'll be the one left in the dark and will have much less chance of being able to take control of the situation.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 01/06/2013 06:20

Wow.

Nothing has changed. His whole reaction just smacks of "fuck, been caught, need to cover arse asap".

I agree that you need to tell him again. But more forcefully.

RememberingMyPFEs · 01/06/2013 06:24

ElectricSheep I had the same thought!

OP - please tell him how you feel about his behaviours after you'd just told him your feelings and what he is prepared to do to ensure you have no reason to distrust him. As a previous poster said don't engage with OW or her DH. It's your DHs job to ensure he remains appropriate within his friendships and he is overstepping right now (to what extent we don't know)
!

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 01/06/2013 06:26

Also.......the sex to make you not feel funny......wtaf? So he thinks a quick shag is going to make it all right?

I'm no conspiracy theorist, and agree that nothing has probably happened yet, but it's certainly not that he doesn't want it to.

Does he usually leave his laptop open for you to read his messages? Could it possibly be that he left the harmless messages for you to see on purpose? (because the not so harmless ones were carefully deleted yesterday after you told him he was rumbled) I'd be leaving this MN thread open so the tosser could read this myself.

Nope. It's still looking black over Bill's mother's.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 01/06/2013 06:46

...and I found several emails between him and Z - pretty innocuous I have to say eg - he sent some youtube clips to watch/listen to, she told him what she and her friend had for their meal out.

But these aren't actually innocuous, are they?

They'd be innocuous if they were email exchanges between him and Old Friend X who he's known for some time. They'd be innocuous if they were between him and you. They are not innocuous when they're between Music Teacher and Mother of Pupil. These two people do not have those sorts of exchanges, unless they're also otherwise good friends. Think about it.

I don't doubt that nothing (other than a bit of pining and mooning and taking up too much head space) has gone on yet. Which is why he thinks he is in the right, and that any umbrage you take is out of line.

The point you need to make to him is that his behaviour right now - while it might not have crossed any lines - has all the hallmarks of pre-affair, emotional affair, whatever you want to call it.

And it is THIS that you are unhappy with, and are entitled to be unhappy with it.

They might not have crossed a line yet, but their behaviour has been carried out by a zillion pre-adulterers before them. And if he continues with it, then it's an almost inevitable downhill slide.

What does he, therefore, think he should about it all now?

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 01/06/2013 07:05

^^ Yes, that! About the emails.

I was trying to work out why they're not innocuous.....and thinking yes, but I email Dave from work.....and Fred from work....and sometimes they send me daft links to stuff on t'internet etc....so what's the difference? The difference is they are my colleagues, dp has met and gone boozing (without me) with them, and sometimes they send him stuff as well......

I am a private EFL teacher.....I certainly don't send any form of email to any of my students' dads. Dd has piano lessons with a male teacher, and the only contact I have with him is if he calls to cancel (and he calls me Mrs....) or when I pick her up and we exchange a few lines about how she is doing.

Why do these pair need to email each other at all? Answer is: they don't. But they are doing.