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AIBU?

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:

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TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 31/05/2013 15:05

Oh my.

Never has the phrase who let the dogs out seemed more appropriate....

Have you always been such a sister Val?

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Fairenuff · 31/05/2013 15:09

I think the op only has to concern herself with her husband's behaviour.

The woman my dh works with could lie naked on his desk with a 'take me now big boy' banner and it would still not be her fault if he did. It would be his choice.

There is no need to blame women for men's choices or vice versa. Everyone makes their own decisions.

faulk how are you feeling? Have you managed to speak to him yet or are you still plucking up the courage. I know it's daunting because this could be a massive turning point in your life and facing up to big change is never easy.

He will probably say she is just a friend and deny that there is anything more going on. But at least you can tell him to stop the lessons and stop seeing her and see how he reacts to that.

Also, ask to see his phone there and then. Don't let him delete any messages and check that you know the people on his contact list.

How he behaves towards you when you discuss this will tell you a lot more about what's been going on. Don't be afraid of coming back to this thread, we won't bite your head off. (At least I won't, can't speak for everyone else).

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Val007 · 31/05/2013 15:10

No, The Birds, but I became such a sister after many of my 'sisters' did the same thing this 'sister' is doing to OP's husband. Do you mind?

Like I said, it takes two to tango, but unfortunately, OP has to live with one of them.

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bettycocker · 31/05/2013 15:16

Feminism aside, it appears that both parties lack a sense of what's appropriate in the way of boundaries.

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NancyOsbourne · 31/05/2013 15:22

I really hope she has asked him?! I would no way be ok with this behaviour.

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BeauNidle · 31/05/2013 15:34

I think Val has a point. This woman is not 'discouraging' his behaviour in any way shape or form. Put yourself in her shoes, yes flattered, but you would also be thinking of the wife of the chap you were off for a cycle ride with this morning surely?
I would feel uncomfortable. And as for letting help herall the time, She has a husband too.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/05/2013 15:35

bettycrocker... Indeed; boundaries seem extremely blurred.

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FobblyWoof · 31/05/2013 15:38

Hi OP hope you're ok.

The whole ng doesn't sit right with me either. I don't think joking and being relaxed about will work, but then I'm not n your relationship.

Have you discussed your concerns with DH? If not, then do and make it really clear how the whole thing is making you feel. If it is all innocent he really shouldn't mind winding down his contact to her to a minimum. If he gets defensive I would assume it goes deeper.

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StuntGirl · 31/05/2013 15:41

There's only one bitch on this thread.

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YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/05/2013 15:43

Oh dear, deafening silence from OP, hope you're okay if you're reading this.

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ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 31/05/2013 15:55

Hoping Op is ok and not been pushed off her own thread. Hoping things go well with talking today.

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Blueandwhitelover · 31/05/2013 15:58

Hope you're ok OP.

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RememberingMyPFEs · 31/05/2013 15:59

Just seen and read this thread, like SanDiego I'm wondering how the OP is doing. Hopefully she's on a nice ride with DH and DS with no OW in sight.

OP, like you I try to play things cool and not worry, partly for fear of causing a problem that wasn't there. In this scenario there is cause for concern, if only due to DD and professional integrity. Please do bring this up with him and ask him to behave in a purely professional basis - perhaps conducting the lessons in your home if they continue at all.

If you're not the naturally jealous type and in 14 years haven't had this type of scenario before then he should have no cause to accuse you of over-reaction (even if that wasn't true he'd have no cause but that makes it especially true IYSWIM)

Good luck

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AnyFucker · 31/05/2013 16:06

Bloody hell, Val
what a ray of sunshine you sound

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BrokenBanana · 31/05/2013 16:24

Oh I hope you're ok OP

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ratbagcatbag · 31/05/2013 16:28

I had this, where my DH and friend was getting a bit too friendly, easy flirting which has never bothered me,but excuses to pop round etc, a few messages getting inappropriate, I spotted it before it went further and played merry hell, DH realised what a twat he'd been, apologised, stopped seeing them as much etc. we are all good friends again now but my DH is not so stupid.

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Cosydressinggown · 31/05/2013 17:03

Hope you are ok, OP. I'm guessing you haven't plucked up the courage to talk to him yet, cos it's easier not to. I do understand that.

If you didn't have the chat - how did the bike ride go?

I hope the fact that so many people on here feel uncomfortable just reading this lets you know that you are not in the wrong.

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ChimeForChange · 31/05/2013 18:40

How was your day OP?
Have you spoken to DP?

Hope you are ok x

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faulkernegger · 31/05/2013 19:09

Hi. I'm ok. Can't talk till later. DP hovering.

OP posts:

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SquinkiesRule · 31/05/2013 19:14

I'm hoping you ripped him a new one for acting like a complete knob.

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MardyBra · 31/05/2013 19:29

I read that as hoovering. That would be much more useful. Glad you're OK (have been lurking).

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Cailinsalach · 31/05/2013 19:50

I wish I had had the sense to intervene in my exH's inapropriate friendship. Too late now.
I hope you have resolved this with your DH.

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whosiwhatsit · 31/05/2013 20:24

Nothing wrong with asking him to cut off is particular friendship as long as you're not constantly asking him to stop talking to all sorts of people. I think something funny is going on here, too, particularly as your dd noticed it. If you can afford to, I'd ask him to quit giving the lessons as well as ending the friendship.

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ProphetOfDoom · 31/05/2013 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 31/05/2013 20:43

Thinking of you Faulk.

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