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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
whosiwhatsit · 03/06/2013 19:21

Nope she's supposed to try again to talk to him and insist that he stop seeing this woman, as I have said in my posts. She doesn't need to imagine them in bed together laughing at her over the asparagus tart thing or picture them horizontal jogging, because those images are unnecessarily hurtful for her to have to think about. At this point he is probably not having sex with this woman so why imagine that he is?

whosiwhatsit · 03/06/2013 19:22

My response was for Fairenuff not you, Pimpf.

Pimpf · 03/06/2013 19:25

No worries!

garlicgrump · 03/06/2013 20:13

Whois, I nearly came back to qualify my "Asparagus" post, as it was obvious you'd pick me up on a generalisation that isn't mine to make. The point is that OP herself said "wtf?" about it. So, no, in her world tart adoration is no more usual than in mine.

You are belittling her own stated experience. Why?

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 20:23

We have all said that she should insist he stop seeing her. I think we are pretty unanimous there.

But she is reluctant to do that and hasn't said why. I suspect it is because, if he had to choose, she is scared that he will choose ow.

So the op herself must be pretty certain that there is more going on. And her gut feeling is probably right. And I'm sure the fact that they could be sleeping together has crossed her mind already.

Thisisaeuphemism · 03/06/2013 20:37

Of course married couples fancy other people and get crushes- but if they care about their main relationship they don't go secretly jogging with the object of their affection, they don't contact them all the time and when told how hurtful it is, they don't ignore their partners feelings.

This guy is behaving like such a twat.

whosiwhatsit · 03/06/2013 20:40

I think we mostly agree but what I trying to say is that I think we should try to be be gentle in our approach to this frightened and confused OP. I think we've scared her off now, anyway.

I am certainly not belittling her experience in any way and for you to say I am is just another example of you being unkind in the way you state things. I can take it, doesn't bother me, but then I'm not going through what the OP is going through.

Would you encourage your best friend, if she confided to you her fears about her partner's possible infidelity, to imagine him mocking her while in bed with the other woman? Surely you can see that's cruel?

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 03/06/2013 20:43

I think that the op started this the hoping we would tell her she was being daft and to get a grip and not to be a wifezilla and allow her husband to have his female friends.
That we didn't must have rocked her foundations and I think for now we've scared her off.

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 21:02

Yes, she's not ready to face this yet. But it won't go away and she can always come back to re-read the thread at her own pace.

And she can continue to avoid dealing with it if that is what she wants.

OTOH she might be having it out with him now and come back to say it's all sorted.

VitoCorleone · 03/06/2013 21:36

Id have flipped my lid by now. Completely inappropriate behaviour. You've told him how you feel about it and he is still carrying this shit on, going round there and having a drink together is just bizzare, why would you want to do that? You're trying to see everything as being innocent but its really not. Your partner is being a twat, and by this point id be telling him to fuck off.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 03/06/2013 21:40

Hello! still here. Had another chat - this time I said that I wasn't happy with what he's said before and wanted to know why he was hiding things and had not told me about running. I wasn't expecting the response - 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' -several times. He meant sorry for lying. He also said ' she's a friend, I like her' ( note - he didn't say 'just' a friend). I said that at no time before had he ever given me cause to distrust him, but lately I had and it was a horrible feeling, and that I had been very scared. Then he said 'don't worry, I know where my home is and where my family is'. We had a hug and I left the room.
I feel a bit better, but not completely. I want him to stop seeing her, but haven't said it yet, and I want him to see that lying means that he knows something is wrong about what he's doing, and he should stop. Getting him alone for a decent amount of time is proving difficult. He's just gone out now to lend a strimmer and a trumpet mouthpiece to 2 different friends. He is a helpful sort! Also getting time on the pc with privacy is a challenge, but I'm still reading, trying to keep my paranoia from being fuelled by some of the comments on here, and my own imagination. I shall not be speaking to Z or her DH about anything other than their son's music lessons.
Oh re asparagus tart - she likes to bake, and there may have been a conversation about it previously - not sure; it's a good cover story....

OP posts:
VitoCorleone · 03/06/2013 21:44

Why havent you asked him to stay away from her? Seriously, you've been together 14 years, its not like you cant tell him what you want, in fact, you shouldnt even need to ask, he should take your feelings into consideration and he STILL isnt doing that.

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 21:47

Well done Faulk you're getting there and good on ya for coming back to the thread.

Why is it that you are so reluctant to ask him to stop seeing her?

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 21:51

wanted to know why he was hiding things and had not told me about running. I wasn't expecting the response - 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' -several times. He meant sorry for lying

He didn't answer the question though did he?

Q Why did you lie?
A I'm sorry

Why did he lie? In his mind, he knew that you would not be happy and he did it anyway. I would ask him again.

takeaway2 · 03/06/2013 21:53

Hi op
My dh is the helpful sort too but only you know the extent of his helpfulness. I think the fact that he's helpful makes sense but perhaps you can ask him to start thinking about you and the family more rather than Z and others!

Boomba · 03/06/2013 21:56

I would check his phone when he gets back in

Gruntfuttock · 03/06/2013 21:58

OP, have you told him that your DD says he's obsessed with Z?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/06/2013 21:58

"I know where my home is and my family is"

Yes, and he also knows where someone else is who can bolster his self esteem and give him a frisson of excitement. Tell him that contact with her detracts from engaging with the home and family he loves and to get a grip (I don't think he's having an affair, but he is taking the piss and so is she)

Thisisaeuphemism · 03/06/2013 22:00

Agree with boomba. I wonder if he's been able to resist contacting her when he's out the house for a couple of hours...

You've made your position clear now op. that's good...

MinesADecaff · 03/06/2013 22:04

Sounds like he just sidestepped all your questions with meaningless platitudes.

When he gets back from his strimmer drop offs ask to check his phone. You're entitled to ask him this because the way he's been behaving has been dodgy as fuck.

I hope I'm wrong but I bet he's ringing her right now.

myroomisatip · 03/06/2013 22:09

I have been following this thread and I really feel for you OP

I think that asking to see his phone when he gets back is a very good idea.

Accept no excuses, no deliberations, no reasons as to why he cannot hand it straight over to you there and then!

And you do not have to qualify asking to see his phone so do not let him try to put that ball in your court!!!!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/06/2013 22:10

...by "taking the piss" I mean an EA or fantasising, or manoeuvring into position for an affair

piratecat · 03/06/2013 22:13

that's not the answer of a man shocked that he is even being questioned on his friendship.

they are platitudes indeed. like 'i have been thinking about this woman, and have feelings of some type, but don't worry I do know where my home is, as i have been questioning this'

op. wake up

LittleLisa78 · 03/06/2013 22:14

I have to say I disagree with everyone wh says to tell him to stop seeing Z. If I told DP I was uncomfortable and upset about a female friend and he continued to see her and lie about it then I'd leave, the trust would b gone for me and I'd feel he'd just be on the lookout for another Z if he stopped seeing her only after I'd specifically asked him to

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/06/2013 22:15

pirate - yes. He has thought about it