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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyHarrietdeSpook · 03/06/2013 11:53

I quite like Lavender Honey's idea...I would be very tempted...

My message might read: "sorry to be a pain, but these requests seem to be coming along quite frequently. I think it might be an idea to sort out other arrangements because while DP doesn't like to say no it's not always convenient for us. If you don't mind having a word, I'd appreciate it."

YouTheCat · 03/06/2013 11:56

I think the husband just has a massive, childish crush. It does not sound like the woman is responding in anything other than normal friendly terms.

I'd leave her out of it and point out to OP's husband that he's making himself look like a lovesick teenager.

He seems to be doing all the suggesting/phoning and emailing and she is just replying.

diddl · 03/06/2013 12:05

I agree to a point.

Can't help thinking though that if his own daughter has noticed him being a dick around this woman-why hasn't she?

And perhaps she suggests that OP joins them-and he gives reasons why she can't?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/06/2013 12:11

I like LavenderHoney's suggestion too. At all costs, it's important that it doesn't look like the OP is brandishing a rolling pin and preventing her husband from doing things - more that OP's husband would really rather not be doing them and trying not to be rude but wondering why Neighbour Lady's partner doesn't do these things...

Asking (obliquely) Mr Neighbour Lady to reign his partner in is a great idea.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 03/06/2013 12:14

The way the other woman told OPs DP to tell a story that OP didn't know sounds like possessiveness to me, "look at me I know something you don't".

Sorry but the whole thing is very strange.

YouTheCat · 03/06/2013 12:14

It seems more (from what the OP has said) that the OP's husband is offering this help/outings suggestions rather than being asked though.

I don't think the OW (who isn't really) has done anything wrong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/06/2013 12:15

... and I really liked this from LadyHarriet:
"sorry to be a pain, but these requests seem to be coming along quite frequently. I think it might be an idea to sort out other arrangements because while DP doesn't like to say no it's not always convenient for us. If you don't mind having a word, I'd appreciate it."

It says exactly what needs to be said. I was all for giving Neighbour Lady the benefit of the doubt as it's OP's partner that needs to stop his silly behaviour, but absolutely no harm done by giving Neighbour Lady a ponted warning shot across the bows. She will KNOW. If she's innocent, she'll be relieved.

Jestrin · 03/06/2013 12:38

OP, I would really like to think that you have had a serious discussion about this by now with your DP. once the children had gone to bed you could have raised it then??

The asparagus tart, well, if it was me and it had been the three of us in that kitchen I honestly would have said 'I really don't think you have come in here to talk about an asparagus tart and while we are here I want to tell you that I do find your friendship uncomfortable....' then go from there. But perhaps that's me maybe. I just dont know how you can be staying silent when you are clearly upset by it.

Merrin · 03/06/2013 13:14

Feeling a bit worried about you Faulk, I hope you are ok and have sorted something out over the weekend.

diddl · 03/06/2013 13:32

I don't think that OP needs to say anything to the "OW".

She needs to tell her husband that it's inappropriate & he's making himself look a fool.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 03/06/2013 13:56

I agree with diddl. The point where a wife has to speak to the OW is the point where all her dignity flies out of the window because she is effectively admitting to herself and to the other parties that she's lost him.

He needs telling. Again. Because he certainly didn't get it the first time around did he? Not if since then there have been puncture heroics and an asparagus tart moment. Confused

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 03/06/2013 14:21

Thinking about you a lot, OP, hope you are ok today.

Cosydressinggown · 03/06/2013 14:25

OP, I do think it sounds like you are really scared to have this conversation - like properly have this conversation not just mention things in passing and then let him away with 'not really having an answer - and I can understand that. However, this time lapse now between having said something to him and properly had it out with him is dangerous. He will sense that you are going to close in on him and he may well be seeking her out more than ever if he feels he's about to lose her. Please do speak to him soon. You shouldn't have to arrange to get the children out of the house - just wait till they're in bed and then say you really need to talk. Be clear that it's not about the friendship, it's about the extent of the friendship and it's about the secret keeping. It's not necessarily a bad thing to hint that he could well lose you over this, either, because he needs a shock. I really doubt they are having an affair, but he's having his comfy home life and his big teenager flirtation fantasy life and the thought that the latter could make the former crash down around him might be a good reality check.

forgetmenots · 03/06/2013 14:54

Completely agree with diddl.

DuchessFanny · 03/06/2013 15:46

How are you doing today Faulk ? I also have been thinking about you a lot this week end x

Finbar · 03/06/2013 16:02

My outsider's view is that I would not involve the OW or her husband at at all. It's between the OP and her partner.

The point at which I would involve the OW is, when having told her partner is behaviour needs to stop...he carries on.
At that point the message needs to be crystal clear to both parties. Because otherwise the "my wife's being a bit OTT abut this whole situation ha ha" will be the tone of their conversations and it will not stop.

Johnniebgood · 03/06/2013 16:24

Sadly, in my personal experience and having read some of the similar threads on this - all of them have in common an "Apsparagus Tart moment"
A moment when something ridiculous but outwardly possibly ok happens, which both parties are some how able to explain away whilst making you feel like the paranoid and unhinged outsider.

You are not paranoid - they are being unfair, immature and very hurtful.
I hope you are ok Faulk

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 16:54

It's possible that they could be in bed together one afternoon giggling about that Asparagus Tart moment.

You won't know unless you have it out with him properly.

From his point of view, I expect he would not want to lose the set up he has at the moment. But cheaters are never really sorry until they are caught. And then they are only sorry for themselves.

At the moment he thinks he can carry on as he is. He knows you are suspicious but he thinks he can hide it. He's wrong. He is crap at lying and every time it just makes you more suspicious.

Soon he will realise that it doesn't matter anyway. He is not going to lose you. You are going to pretend there is nothing wrong and let him carry on.

And that's a shame. Because you are worth so much more than this nonsense op. And if you would only nip it in the bud now, it might not come to anything.

But it's your life, your choice. You do what you think best.

whosiwhatsit · 03/06/2013 18:27

Ok while i agree your husband most likely has a crush im starting to think some of us on this thread are going too far. Yes he should have taken your feelings much more seriously and ended this friendship and yes I think it's likely he has a crush on this woman. However, sometimes an asparagus tart is just an asparagus tart. No need to go from that moment in the kitchen to imagining them leaping into bed together.

I also think its normal to have a crush on someone else at some point during a long marriage. Even Jimmu Carter, a devoted husband and seemingly lovely person if crap President, said "I lusted in my heart many times". Everyone does, but not everyone acts on it.

Your husband is probably flirting with danger and you definitely should tell him again how you feel and ask him to put an end to the lessons and the friendship. You should not, in my opinion, escalate this by involving the OW or her OH in this.

But you don't have to automatically assume he is one step from an affair or that the collapse of your marriage is imminent.

There are many in this thread who have said their OHs were acting like yours and that it escalated to an affair and their marriage imploded. Therefore yours is almost certainly going the same way. This is called confirmation bias and renders statistical analysis pretty meaningless. There are many others of us whose husbands acted strangely or were temporarily smitten with an OW, but their morals and their fear of losing what they had stopped it for going any further. Those of us who have been through that are less likely to post about it and more likely to put it out of our minds and forget it.

So yes, talk to him. But don't panic. You've been married quite a while and it sounds like apart from this blip you have a strong marriage. My guess is you'll get through it, but the key as it almost always does lies in communication.

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 18:43

They are not married.

They have been together 14 years.

Personally, it's not so much the inappropriate friendship which I think is the main concern, it's the disregard for OP's feelings.

She has been observing this change in his behaviour for a while. She has noticed that he keeps his phone very close, that he has changed his passwords.

She discovers that he has lied to her and her children have noticed how involved he is with the ow. She eventually plucks up the courage to confront him and explains how she feels, that she is losing trust, that she doesn't feel comfortable with his relationship with this woman. He apologises.

Then immediately after this conversation he phones the ow. He then goes to see her. He makes up what he believes to be a plausible reason.

That is the worry. Why would he do all that, if there was nothing to hide. And why is he treating op like a fool?

But, like I said, it's her life, she will have to decide what is best for her.

garlicgrump · 03/06/2013 18:48

You're wrong, I fear, whois, about AsparagusGate! If that were a totally normal situation, nothing would happen when you followed them into the kitchen. One of them would be holding a tart on a plate; the other would be popping a baking tray in the sink. There'd be no lecture on the tart, no calls for obsequious adoration of the asparagus, nothing. The plate-holder would go "excuse me" in order to exit the kitchen and that would be that. Maybe someone would say "That looks great," nothing more.

I agree with what you said about crushes but, imo, he went beyond the limits of embarrassing-but-harmless fantasy when he listened to his wife's concerns about it, then immediately went to phone Z. That's vicious :(

Is the running really walking slowly chatting? - Or horizontal jogging?

garlicgrump · 03/06/2013 18:49

xpost, Fairenuff!

whosiwhatsit · 03/06/2013 19:00

Yes I was wrong about saying "husband" - of course fact that they're not married is irrelevant as they have children together and are in a committed relationship. Some people just don't believe in marriage.

Why would he do all that, if there was nothing to hide. And why is he treating op like a fool?

Because he has a crush. His behaviour is wrong, no doubt about it, but it isn't necessarily a complete disaster.

nothing would happen when you followed them into the kitchen

Nothing did happen. People do talk about asparagus tarts sometimes, you know, or at least in my admittedly rather boring world they do. I'm on a thread on here at the moment exchanging recipes. Or are only mums allowed to talk about recipes and not dads Hmm.

My real concern here is that through some of our conjecture we're hurting the OPs feelings beyond the concern she should legitimately feel. Her husband is acting like a dick. Sometimes husbands do. Usually they get over it, and I hope hers does very soon!

Fairenuff · 03/06/2013 19:14

Her husband is acting like a dick. Sometimes husbands do. Usually they get over it, and I hope hers does very soon!

And in the meantime, she is supposed to just, what? Wait for him to get it out of his system. Or wait for it to fizzle out. Or wait for it to escalate?

Keep snooping on him, checking his emails, wondering whether he is really swimming, running, bike riding? Keep following him around and feeling ever more foolish?

Pimpf · 03/06/2013 19:20

Oh dear. It doesn't sound like any things happened but I think you're right to be keeping an eye on things. I would try to distance yourself from the family and do more things by yourselves.

I do hope this is nothing but as you've said, no other female friendships have made you feel this way