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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 02/06/2013 09:01

He's still taking no notice of you when you are telling him that the friendship with her us causing you discomfort.

Children not gone swimming with him? Would they normally.

MadamFolly · 02/06/2013 09:18

Sorry OP, he is still hiding things isn't he? :(

DuchessFanny · 02/06/2013 09:27

I asked my DH about this last night - we both have friends of the opposite sex, so wanted to check if he thought this sounded as 'off' as it does to me .. He was incredulous, shocked that your DP could be damaging his home life AND career for this 'friendship' he said 'she needs to tell him to not work there any more and back off NOW' I agree with him . Even if its innocent he's spending a lot of spare time with her when he should be with you and DC ( when he's not using them as a cover ?) this has been noticed by you, your DC, no doubt her DC , maybe DH and others in your area ( they will be seen out and about together surely ?!) it can't be left, it'll just make you feel crappier and crappier.
You've been pretty understanding and patient so far, but I'd be getting mad now, this is your life !!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/06/2013 09:56

I think it's possible that he is attracted to this woman but that he hasn't even properly admitted it to himself yet. People can be very good at deceiving themselves.

MissStrawberry · 02/06/2013 10:00

Still feeling the same here. You have shown you are not happy about the contact and he is carrying on. FFS your daughter has noticed so what exactly has been going on in front of her for her to know?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/06/2013 10:03

Best of luck with sorting this out. I was wondering how much time per week does he spend with her compared to other friends? It's a bit difficult for him to keep up the front that she is just another friend if he is seeing three times as much of her as anyone else.

pumpkinsweetie · 02/06/2013 10:14

Op after all you have said, he still cannot put you first, put yourself first and tell him he cannot carry on like this if he wants to stay in a relationship with you.

It sounds to me like he is out of the house far more than he is in it, he seems to think it's ok spending all his spare time with a lady friend, what an arse. He has even gone running with her, but hasn't told you until now, if all is innocent then why is he keeping up with this booklet of lies?

He is either having a full blown affair with her or he is infatuated with her. Either one isn't good and what he is doing is wrong and very unfair on you and your daughter who seems to already think something isn't right.

Put yourself first, ask him outright what the hell is going on and await the truth however hard. Him seeing this woman needs to stop or he should leave, imho.

Lovelygoldboots · 02/06/2013 10:17

I have been in your situation op, it was eleven years ago. It was his friends wife. It started when I was pregnant with our first child. I was like you, did not want to come across as hysterical. It left me very depressed. We stopped contact with both of them. Her husband is a lovely guy. She did not think she had done anything wrong. We had counselling. He realized and we are still together. He has to cut all contact with her. You are in a no win situation if he does not agree. I really wish you all the best op. I had already been with my partner for nine years before and it seemed to come out of the blue. If I'm honest part of me still does not always trust him to this day and I was very close to leaving him. I don't think it was a physical affair but definitely an emotional one. He had just had a mobile phone and texted her all the time, doing jobs for her, going cycling together. It was very upsetting. He needs to realize what a twat he is being.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 02/06/2013 11:10

OP would there be any occasion where you might see OWs DP? Not suggesting you say anything but I am curious.

RollerCola · 02/06/2013 11:17

So sorry to read all this op, hope you can find the strength to tackle him about it very soon and the book helps.

Does he often go swimming/running etc or has that started up recently? Is there any way you can find out if she's gone too?

ProphetOfDoom · 02/06/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Merrin · 02/06/2013 13:25

How are you Faulk? I hope he went swimming alone :(

Jestrin · 02/06/2013 16:42

OP you really need to have a serious talk with him. He doesn't seem to see what he is doing wrong here, and small chats here and there don't seem to be putting you at ease. He doesn't seem to be apologetic either. Why didn't you go swimming too?

I also think you need to speak with her too and find out about the running and why he stays so long after the lessons.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 02/06/2013 17:38

Some things for clarity - swimming is his thing (he represented Wales in his youth) and he swims seriously 1K each time. It also saves a fortune on osteopaths for his bad back. My dd hasn't seen anything, she just remarked on his always talking about Z, which seems to have stopped. re Z's H - I would have to make a point of going to see him and would only possibly say - are you ok with this friendship? We saw them all yesterday at their house ( I know - don't go on!) to pick up ds from archery party. We stayed for a glass of wine and 3 things struck me - 1) Z and dp headed off to the kitchen saying something about asparagus tart, so I followed on quickly, and then had to admire a tart. wtf? 2) I mentioned a funny video on youtube - Oh your dp sent me an email of it (she's not hiding it) 3)she asked dp to tell a story of when he was in New York - a story I'd never heard! Body language all neutral, no excessive or avoiding eye contact. I wonder if it's all in DP's head???

OP posts:
badinage · 02/06/2013 17:45

Why would it make a difference if it was all in his head?

Not that I think it is, of course.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 02/06/2013 17:53

Slightly better than if they're both of the same mind.

OP posts:
forgetmenots · 02/06/2013 17:59

Really? Wouldn't give me much concern what she thought to be honest, if my husband was mooning over her. Find the family get-together a bit convenient, sorry OP but I think your head is in the sand here.

TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 18:01

It could all be in his head, maybe like a rather intense crush, or that he has this crush which is intensified by her lack of reciprocation.

Or maybe they've just clicked? I don't mean this is in a worrying way but maybe he's just found something in her, in the way of a friend. My DH has had what I guess you could call bromances, where he's just completely clicked with someone, they've filled a gap in his life and its been like he's bloody besotted. It's only because they're male I haven't worried but it sounds like your DH enjoys being friends with women so could the be a similar type thing?

Jestrin · 02/06/2013 18:01

I'm confused. Now you're socialising ?? Ok, you were picking up your DS but If this friendship was worrying me, I would have said something by now.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 02/06/2013 18:03

Your latest posts worry me faulk. You're trying to normalise the very not normal now.

Why the heck are you all spending so much time with this other family?

badinage · 02/06/2013 18:03

Really?

I think it would be much worse if he'd fallen in love with another woman, despite no encouragement from her and it being unreciprocated.

You can understand it when people in long relationships get their heads turned by someone making a massive pitch for them. That's quite hard to resist.

Much worse though when it is him doing the pitching, surely?

I don't see why it matters very much whether she's willing. It's the fact that he is that's the problem, isn't it?

Thisisaeuphemism · 02/06/2013 18:04

Wow, he doesn't care how you feel about it.

You tell him its upset you so the first chance he gets he calls her for a chat and then races off to rescue her secretly?

He is really taking the piss.

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 18:06

I see what you're getting at.

I also see that you so desperately want it all to be innocent that you are searching under the massive blocks of evidence to the contrary to find pebbles that might prove there is nothing wrong, if you see what I mean?

If you can cling to any tiny shred of hope, you will and I understand that.

But what you can't get away from is that it is there now, in your head. You will always want to follow him and check up on him, even if you don't actually do it and that can't be healthy for you.

You could walk into a room and see them with their noses touching and he could say, oh Z had something in her eye, I was just checking it out for her.

You will never be at peace with this friendship.

Now, it is all rather easily sorted by just asking him to not have any contact with her whatsover. A bit awkward to start with, but not impossible.

Why are you so reluctant to do that?

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/06/2013 18:09

OP I think you should take some time away from mums net to clearly assess the situation and get your head straight about how you want to proceed with this situation.

Don't get yourself caught up in having to justify your actions to other people. I hope do make the right decision for yourself.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/06/2013 18:13

Just so you know, 'mentionitis' is part of a pattern. The partner is full of Sharon this, Sharon thinks that. And then suddenly the mentionitis stops. I don't need to spell out why.

I really hope this is a massive silly unreciprocated crush that you can sort out between you and DP but do read the book.