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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
fizzzness · 01/06/2013 18:18

I'm not saying that it isn't wrong. just that having been in the situation myself, it's addictive and can get out of control very quickly from an innocent random starting place.

Yes he should be stopping contact and making amends. That's what any rational calm man would do. But likely he'll
Be a mess of denial, heartache, guilt and fear of losing either relationship. And likely make bad choices and make the situation worse . You underestimate how much emotions mess with your head

Minimammoth · 01/06/2013 18:20

OP. I have not read all the interim posts. Only you know what is normal for your partner, re any relationships. Do not compare with others experiences. Are you willing to work on your relationship? If yes then talk to your partner about your fears. Give him an opportunity to talk about what is really going on for him. Then work together on a solution, above all, keep communicating what is real for you. Forget about what any others relay as their experience. This is about you and your partner, your relationship.

Fairenuff · 01/06/2013 18:38

But it's not him posting is it fizzzness. He is not the one looking for support and advice.

If he's cheating he won't give two hoots about what his wife feels. It will be all about him, in that self-obsessed way that you describe.

It's his wife who is asking for help. So any cries for sympathy on his behalf don't really belong on this thread. It's not helpful to tell the OP that he will fear 'losing either relationship'. Tough. That's his problem, not hers. She has every right to expect fidelity and to insist on honesty.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/06/2013 18:47

Oh OP... I'm so sorry to read your updates.

I think that whether he's having an actual affair or not, he's definitely disrespecting you and your daughter. I've put myself in his shoes, what would I do if I were him and you'd just told me how unhappy you were with my behaviour and why... I know that I'd be upset to have cause you and DD anguish and I'd be doing all I could to make that right - including not carrying on with doing things for Neighbour Lady. My family would come first.

He's not doing that, is he? He's horrible - and that sex comment, that must have made you feel a million dollars. Would he be happy for a man to make that comment to his daughter in similar circumstances? Shock

I'd be watching him closely and planning my exit. If it never comes to it, all well and good - but I'd be ready to go ON MY TERMS.

fizzzness · 01/06/2013 19:02

Fair enough fairenuff. I see your point. I was trying to give another perspective. And recommend reading material .

Take care OP x

Isatdownandwept · 01/06/2013 19:14

He could of course just be indulging a huge and hopeless and unreconciled crush on someone without the good sense to spot inappropriate behaviour and cut the friendship. And this acting like a love stuck teenager and going behind your back could just be a pathetic attempt to add excitement to a slightly dull midlife....

What is so sad about this thread is that what I've outlined is the best explanation of what I going on.

Grim.

Cosydressinggown · 01/06/2013 19:37

I'm so sorry OP. There are too many 'coincidences' now. One or two of these things could just be coincidence, friendship, being helpful and so on, but added together I'm afraid they make a pretty ugly picture.

Can I ask a question - how did you find out that they'd been going running together?

If he's been going running with her and not telling you, that's a pretty huge thing. That would make me wonder how many other times he's with her when he's left the house.

I think he needs a shock about what he's doing, to be honest. I think you need to sit him down tonight - no letting this slip until the next thing happens, and the next (and they hide more from you) - and say to him, 'Why have you been seeing so much of X, and why have you been keeping it a secret?'

The fact that straight after you'd told him you're uncomfortable with their friendship he calls her (and whilst out of your earshot) and then goes to 'help her out' again, is at best hugely disrespectful of you and at worst it's him compulsively carrying on the affair that he has started. And yes, why did he even care how their bike ride was?!

During your conversation you can also say - do you text each other? and if he says yes/no you're perfectly entitled to say, 'can I see your phone then? now?'

maddening · 01/06/2013 20:15

I think the next step is an out right questioning - what does he think is happening with him and her - has anything happened, where did he feel their relationship was going and is he prepared to forfeit their relationship and his tutoring her ds in order to preserve his relationship with you.

MrsDesperado · 01/06/2013 21:52

Unless I've missed something, where is the OW's OH in all this? What does he have to say about all the time they're spending together? He's away a lot but if the children are noticing ?

Good luck, OP.

florascotia · 01/06/2013 22:10

Very sorry to hear of your worries, OP.

This may be stating the obvious, and if so I apologise, but have you considered going to talk to a professional about all this? Ideally with your husband, but even going alone might help. The charity Relate has a very comprehensive website (www.relate.org.uk) ; your GP or local religious leader (of whatever faith) might also be able to suggest a trained and reputable counsellor...

sunshinehayley · 01/06/2013 23:21

Op I hope you're ok.

I think you need to listen to your children on this one. My DM worked with a guy who I never met who she used to talk about occasionally. I guessed they were having an affair and wrote about my fears in my diary two days before she left us to be with him. I was 13 at the time. Children are very very perceptive.

I hope this sorts itself out for you.

Cosydressinggown · 01/06/2013 23:56

I hope you are ok, OP

FairPhyllis · 02/06/2013 00:14

OP has he by any chance been distant and critical, picking fights etc recently? Because from all threads on here that is classic 'getting ready to have an affair' behaviour, along with having phone glued to him.

You don't need proof of anything in order to say 'look, this is unacceptable, my trust in you is getting damaged and without that there is no relationship'. You are uncomfortable, your DD is uncomfortable and it's not as if you are typically suspicious or controlling about other female friends.

AncientCrone · 02/06/2013 01:28

Just saw this on another thread, don't know if it's useful: www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

Original poster
faulkernegger · 02/06/2013 07:16

Thanks everyone. I have downloaded Shirley Glass and have just started reading it. I need to have a big talk with dp and am organising getting the children out of the way. I am considering asking OW's H if he has noticed anything.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/06/2013 07:42

I'm glad you have the book. It's really helpful and it will give you back up if he tries to say it's nonsense and you're just reading too much into his behaviour.

Personally, I would keep this between your DP and you. Bringing her DH into it could just inflame the situation. It's your DP's behaviour you need to focus on.

The very best of luck to you

OhTheConfusion · 02/06/2013 07:44

Morning OP, I would suggest you speak to your DH before you speak to 'OW's' DH.
At the end of the day you want everything to be fine, and if it is currently just a crush then that is possible. However if you have opened a can of worms within someone else's house too then it really is open season.

Best of luck.

whosiwhatsit · 02/06/2013 07:45

Don't bring outside parties into the intimate details of your marriage except, I suppose, as a last ditch effort. You're not there yet. Well done getting the book and organising to have a talk, and best of luck to you.

fizzzness · 02/06/2013 07:49

www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

Yes that's the book I was recommending.

fizzzness · 02/06/2013 07:57

The book really is amazing, as it cuts away the deluded feelings and let's you see that what is happening is normal and follows a pattern. Kinda rationalises and intellectualises it all, cuts away the poor me feelings, or the star crossed lover feelings that your DH might be developing. Well done OP. All is not lost, you sound like you're taking control and will be in a good place to help your DH recognise the situation for what it is. Much love and strength x

Original poster
faulkernegger · 02/06/2013 08:11

Haven't got very far in the book yet - keep being interrupted - is there a particular bit that I can read that will help me cut to the chase?
Re question about running - I said I was uncomfortable about how much he'd been seeing her and he said - we're friends, we like the same things, we've been running a couple of times....
The only time he could have done that is when he finishes his teaching (at a school) and I'm still at work. Grr. He's gone for a swim now and I can't help wondering if she has also gone..
In the space of a week I have turned into the person I was about 16 years ago when a previous boyfriend cheated on me - suspicious, needy, clingy, ...bleurrgh

OP posts:
kitbit · 02/06/2013 08:26

If your partner and mother of your children says 'I'm uncomfortable about the amount of time you're spending with this woman', the correct response is 'I'm sorry I didn't realise, you really have nothing to worry about, she really is just a mate but I won't see her if it bothers you'

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/06/2013 08:27

The quiz at the start and chapetrs 1 and 2 should do it at the mo. Put the kids in front of the tv. This is important.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/06/2013 08:43

Also a recent increase in exercise/appearance can be a sign of increasing interest in another person. It's in the book Smile

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 09:01

When he comes back from swimming, just ask him outright, have you seen her today, or had any contact at all and see what he says.