to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

[faulkernegger]

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

Well I'm afraid I don't agree that Musicman deserves any sympathy.

I mean why shouldn't I eat a huge Victoria Sponge, do 10 lines of coke, blow £15k on a credit card and fly to Vegas for 2 weeks leaving my kids behind? It's all bloody good fun and so exciting so why shouldn't I ??

There is right and wrong and Musicman is very wrong in his behaviour. He just is.

"Yes. I've never (to my knowledge) accidentally had sex with anyone whilst riding a bike in the presence of my children."

Utterly missing the point here, Toby.

The point is that the oh made this arrangement behind the op's back. Why on earth wouldn't he have invited the op along especially since their children were going along? That is odd.

I wouldn't exclude my dh from activities that involved my children. He might not want to come but I would invite him because he might want to spend time with the dcs?

Not saying he's an angel, but don't judge till you've been there. None of us are perfect, and you're very lucky if you never experience any of life's temptations. It's not the OP's fault, but also not necessarily the husband's fault entirely. These things can get out of control very quickly. If the OP reads that book and tries to help her husband, explain to him what is happening ( whilst obv taking no shit) then maybe that could help.

Sorry but I don't buy it.

An adult is in control - they make choices the whole time.

An affair is a choice.

Whether this chap is bedding his student's mother (classy), I don't know but he is certainly not being very open with his partner about stuff he's arranged with this woman.

It's very nice to have friends of the opposite sex but you don't hide arrangements with them from your partner.

Just to make it clear tho OP, not saying atall that if your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman, then it's your responsibility to fix it. Your husband's actions are if course his responsibility. Just trying to give you another angle rather than all the anger and LTB chat. Especially if all this is out of the blue, your marriage is otherwise happy and your husband's acting out if character. Emotional affairs are horrible for all involved, you have my full sympathy, but your husband has some too. It's a good book, empower yourself.

faulk have been following this thread. I think the issue has gone past is he having an affair - now you feel you can't trust him at all.

You need to sit down on your own and have a think about what you want to happen before you talk to him. If you were to set boundaries with him - be that teaching only, not seeing her at all - could you trust him that he could follow them? Or would you be worrying all the time like now.

Explain what you are feeling to him, assuming nothing has happened yet with this women, tell him what you need from him for your relationship to work (total honesty would be a good start). I know its far easier said than done.

In a slight defence my husband will quite frequently forget he's meeting an old work friend (usually female - most of his friends are) for dinner, and call me as he's walking to meet her . But more things in conjunction with this like you are experiencing would make me suspicious!

Winkywola, ideally yes. But life isn't always ideal for all of us. Things go wrong, people do things they shouldn't, situations get out if control. Even when they shouldn't. You're lucky or perfect or deluded if you never experience it yourself.

There's some wisdom in your posts fizzzness, but I'd baulk at the notion that affairs are 'involuntary' and 'not the person's fault' because neither is true.

What is true and I'd agree with, is that everyone's vulnerable to an ego boost from someone they find attractive and that because there's this insane societal default that people in good relationships won't even feel a tweak of temptation, coupled with the belief that all new friendships are completely unthreatening, people kid themselves all the time that they (and their relationships) are not at risk.

So I can go along with the idea that this bloke had been deluding himself that this was just a nice friendship until the OP told him how she felt.

After that though, even the fact that his own daughter had noticed his obsession didn't move him. He went straight out to talk to this woman.

So he knows.

Unfortunately, what he doesn't know is that his partner values herself too highly to put up with it. She's probably just as much a victim of this nonsense about the relationship being fine and not coming across as controlling and possessive - and as usual, the 'cool dude' posts won't help with any of that.

It's only when he bloody knows that he's risking the loss of a 14 year relationship and his own kids' respect, that he'll make a different choice.

But if the OP sits back, lets this take its course, tries to convince herself that this friendship means no harm and even starts to feel sorry for her partner's lovesickness, what respect do you think her partner will have for her long term?

For the grace of god go I and all that. Always better to try and understand than to be fearful and full of hate.

I get that the DH might just have wandered into feeling too interested in his pupil's mother without really meaning to. But that doesn't mean it's ok. Professionally or personally.

OP - just tell him you want him to stop teaching this pupil and stop all contact with the mother. If he doesn't agree I'm afraid you need to kick him out.

You need to act strong and fast if you are going to save your relationship. Shock him in to having to make a conscious choice. If he carries on like this he (& you) could sleep walk into losing your relationship.

^^ i agree he cuts contact or he's out.

i might go all private eye to find out

And whether he sleepwalked into an emotional affair or not - it being pointed out by your wife and daughter should be enough of a jolt to wake up to what you're potentially throwing away.

Fizzness in an earlier post, you said "Just to make it clear tho OP, not saying atall that if your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman, then it's your responsibility to fix it."

It's is not the OP's responsibility to fix this. It's her solely DH's responsibility. He is the one who has now been told his DW finds this friendship wrong and who has immediately disrespected her by contacting the woman. He KNOWS this is making the OP unhappy, he KNOWS his children have noticed. HE is the one who should be cutting contact, making amends, etc.

If the children have noticed then other children, not connected to either family, will soon begin to know. Word will get around. And this could affect his ability to teach music because many parents would not choose him as it would be clear he's met this woman via the music teaching.

I'm not surprised you getting paranoid OP. This thread is bonkers, I'm beginning to wonder if I am having emotional affairs. By the rules of this thread I am a complete harlot and my sister is definitely shagging my Dh, my aunt's fiance may also be shagging him

Have you talked to anyone in RL about this, someone who knows your husband? Nothing you've said seems out of the ordinary to me.

Have you talked to anyone in RL about this, someone who knows your husband?

Yes, her own daughter raised the alarm FFS.

I think what's bonkers is people as usual banging on about their relationships and totally invalidating the OP's feelings about hers, not to mention completely ignoring the validity of a child's disquiet and anguish, when that child has seen more of her father's behaviour with this woman than anyone else apart from her brother. The brother who 'helpfully' piped up that he knew his dad had bought a puncture kit for the woman's son.

Both the son and daughter know what's going on here even if the adults don't. And they are frightened by it and are trying to get the adults to sort it out.

Oh Faulk! I have just read your update from last night and I am afraid something is really off i he went off to phone her and give them a lift so soon after you told him you were uncomfortable about them.

It might not be a physical affair but if definetely sounds like an emotional one at least.

Why couldn't her own husband help them with her puncture!

I really think you need to be more assertive about addressing this as it sounds like he is already on the path of destruction. So sorry it's all coming to this point

Oh and I agree with badinage it sounds like the children might know more than both OP and her partner thinks they know and are firing warning shots.

Blimey, just read the whole thread. I am by nature a crazy jealous person, and have to keep quite a tight rein on myself. I'm getting better at it. I was immediately anxious when i read the first post and more so with the update. Unfortunately the trust has gone for the time being. The problem with suspicion is that it gets in your head and refuses to leave. You need to know OP. If it were me (crazy jealous person) i would have flipped my lid and been screaming at dh like a banshee before now. But given that you seem to be handling this calmly, i would say you need to see his phone. By fair means or foul. Ask him if you can use it (say yours is broken...) get him to unlock it and then look. Ask him outright - let me see hour phone, call logs and texts. If he says no, it speaks volumes. Or get someone to call him then ask to speak to you so he hands it over. Not sure if i am making myself sound like a loon or not.......point is, if you find nothing, well completely nothing would be suspicious. A few innocent things, fair enough, normal. Anything innappropriate will confirm your fears. If he gers the hump that you've checked - its HIS behaviour thats made you feel this way. You CAN get over the suspicion but if there has been anything going on (even if only by text) then it needs to stop. It needs to stop anyway actually. Take care OP i hope you DH sorts his shit out!

Faulk read the whole thread

Exactly Badinage. This is not a case of a paranoid woman who doesn't allow her dh to have friends that are female.

Dp and I are both outgoing and often help neighbours out. Dp has in fact been out most of the day sorting out 2 different neighbours' computer problems. This is normal. However if either of us made excuses to see the same friend or neighbour most days, texted and emailed them and kept secrets about them plus our Dd described us as obsessed! Come on! That is not "being friendly". That is something else entirely.

Sugarpastegreyhound - a much more rational approach. How i would like to think. I guess i just feel that the DP could turn it back on you - the whole paranoid stuff. But then if a phone search produces no evidence.......ugh. Tying myself on knots. Hope OP is ok.

even if he agrees to cut contact with this woman, it wouldn't be good enough. the fact remains he was more interested in another woman than his partner. that can't be undone. their relationship is damaged. Get rid.

Not saying he's an angel, but don't judge till you've been there. None of us are perfect, and you're very lucky if you never experience any of life's temptations

I would say you are extremely unusual if you never experience any of life's temptations. However, we all have choices. We do not have to act on temptations.

People who cheat know it's wrong. That is why they lie.

They tell a big pre-planned lie to their partner whilst at the same time trying to convince same partner that nothing is wrong.

They mess with your head and don't really give a shit.

That is what is so lowlife about cheating.

Not that the person was tempted, or swept away, or couldn't help themselves. No, it's the fact that they are happy to leave their partner wondering, guessing, fretting and looking for help from strangers on the internet.