to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

[faulkernegger]

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

I second what Donmind says above, it says it all.

Oh OP,

the fact he called her as soon as he got a chance, after you had said something to him, really stinks. Apart from loud alarm bells, I would find this really hurtful. The little snippets he has been telling you are just cover ups - maybe he is trying to justify things to himself.

He is being intimate with her in a way he is not intimate with you. They are sharing feelings together, smiling at each other, enjoying each other's company regardless of place or time, finding excuses to spend more time together and sharing such items of interest as what they ate on meals out.

When I first met DH I was absolutely fascinated with him (and to be fair he with me) and discussing what we had eaten when apart was one of many things we would discuss (just to spend more time listening to each other's voices, reading each other's words). Emails which are innocuous are not innocuous. They are intimate. He wants to read uninteresting meal details because she ate the meal and he is fascinated with her and everything about her. She is comfortable telling him little details because she knows he is fascinated.

None of this is good. If he was spending a lot of family time on a hobby/at work/out drinking you would not be happy, but with another woman is absolutely unacceptable.

I wonder does he have any clear concept of where this is headed. Is he fantasising about spending more time with her, setting up home with her, having sex with her? Have you become a hindrance in his quest to have time with her?

I notice she and her DC did not come on bike ride with your DH when you were coming. Why is that? Did your presence spoil their chance to be alone (albeit with DCs)? These are questions your DP should be asking himself honestly. It really has gone too far already for him to continue contact with her and remain in a relationship with you.

I'm sorry OP. This might draw you and DP closer together in the long run. []

"I'm expressing surprise that my DH eating cake and buying a friend's DS a puncture repair kit might be obvious signs he's having an affair."

No, you are not.

Nobody on this thread has said anything about your husband, other than you.

This thread is not about you, or your relationship.

Or even all relationships and general rules about how they should be conducted.

It is about a specific situation and you are (as usual) ignoring the specifics to make general boasts about how relaxed and modern you are.

And in the process you insinuate that a different woman, in a different relationship, should ignore her own feelings and her own judgement about what is going on in her relationship.

^ [] supposed to be

I insinuated nothing about the OP, AThing.

You should probably learn words. I'm out.

Good luck, OP. I hope your fears (not in the least bit allayed by this thread) are entirely unfounded.

OP. Maybe repost or post in Relationships? There seems to be lots of good advice there.

FWIW I was in a similar situation several years ago. I'm not a suspicious or insecure person but my instincts about my exP's new friendship were correct unfortunately. Whatever's happening, if its making you unhappy and upset it needs discussion. His behaviour isn't acceptable to you. That's all that matters.

If her kids are around when these little meetings are going on, what the heck are they thinking, must be confusing for them.

OP, lets imagine he is not having an affair with her, emotional or otherwise.

He seems like he is spending the majority of his free time with this other woman and her children.

It's making you uncomfortable.

You have spoken to him about it and he ignored you and your feelings.

He is not showing you the respect you deserve.

Very astute comments there from Dontmind and APile.

The issue isn't about whether men and women can be friends , and do family activities together. The OP has been perfectly happy with previous female friends.

The key point is that, in this particular case, Musicman has kept secrets about what he's done with Z, and used the children's activities as a cover to spend time with her . He's sharing email intimacies and keeping his phone close. The first thing he did when confronted by OP was to contact Z and arrange to meet her - why isn't her own husband rescuing Z and the children from their cycling mishaps ? Musicman is crossing a lot of professional boundaries too - it's going to do his career no good to become known as the tutor who hits on mothers of tutees.

So men and women can be perfectly innocent friends. That's just not how these two are acting .

HotCrossPun is also making a very valid point, if it is all innocent, why is he deliberately calling and spending time with her now he knows it upsets you? Why is he doing something that upsets you and makes his DD uncomfortable? either it's because he wants to upset you and DCs, or it's because his desire to spend time/talk to her is greater than his need to keep you all happy.

Always always always trust your instincts.

He has had friendships with women which haven't bothered you but this one does.

It bothers you enough to post on here. It is bothering you DD enough for her to voice her concern.

Trust your instincts.

The massive red flags are the secrecy and the sudden close attachment to his phone.

This is really not going to go away. You will need to deal with it. Even if it does turn out to be nothing, it needs dealing with or it will cast a shadow over your marriage.

Shirley Glass 'NOT Just Friends' has helped lots of people in similar circumstances.

This is about the OP, her H and their relationship. She has stated he had other female friends which isn't an issue.

Something is telling her this one is different. I happen to agree. This one has crossed the line.

OP's H had clearly discussed going on a bike ride with this woman and her child. Even after OP has expressed her uneasiness the first thing her H did when alone was call this woman and then meet her. This shows the other woman is clearly on his mind a lot.

He didn't consider how OP would feel, he called the other woman because he wanted to,i t felt nice and made him happy.

Is has got to the stage where OP had posted because she is worrying whether it has gone too far or not.

Plenty of affairs do start this way.

A tracker is a pointless her H is spending time at his clients house doing odd jobs etc. So a tracker would show exactly where OP already knows he is.

Trust your instincts - YES!

Ex DH and I started the process of buying our "forever house" in which we planned to start and raise our family...he had already started an emotional affair. Process was still ongoing when it progressed beyond emotional. I still shudder to think whether he would have been such a big coward as to go through with it had I not found out and kicked his sorry arse out. You can't rely on the fact that he is still talking about your future - it just means he is in denial and not facing up to his feelings about this woman. It sounds like it is just a crush at the moment but if he does not deal with it maturely and get some distance and perspective, it puts him and your family at risk.

Toby the OP's own daughter says that she thinks her DSD's obsessed with this woman.

She's obviously picked up on his inappropriate mooning.

Really don't understand why some posters on here can't see that his behaviour is beyond dodgy.

I would also like to add that when I was a child, my dad had an affair with a woman out of a couple my parents were friends with. I knew that something was amiss. I could definitely tell that there was more to their relationship. I was only about 9 at the time too.

You need to have a proper, in depth, talk, OP. You 'don't want to Open That Door' , in case, yes it is an affair or he is so infatuated that it is not going to stop (have you read any of Skye's threads?)

OR you continue like you are now, wondering how long a car valet takes, or if he is really thinking of you, ALL THE TIME.

Face it head on, and at least you will know what you are facing.

Dad's not DSD.

toby You may be right. However DP has many female friends that he has been out for drinks with, worked with away on tour etc. and it has never bothered me. It's THIS woman and the fact he's been keeping secrets

Yes, this is different.

He is already emotionally attached to her.

He wants to be with this woman, he calls or emails whenever he can, he thinks about her all the time. He even contacted her immediately after you told him you were uncomfortable with it.

He has changed his password, he keeps his phone close which is a change of behaviour, he lied about his plans, he could not answer when you questioned him.

He is spending a lot of time thinking of ways to meet up with her and thinking up a feasible cover story. He is not very good at quick thinking when caught on the hop though.

When you asked about going for a bike ride, his response wasn't well thought out and made you suspicious. When you told him outright all he could manage was a strangled "sorry".

He is like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His responses tell you all you need to know. He is smitten with her.

You need a proper, serious talk with him and for him to explain his actions and motivations. Don't let him avoid this. Book a babysitter if necessary and go to a hotel room. Look him straight in the eye and tell him you will wait as long as it takes for him to be honest with you.

If you are not ready to hear his confession (or cope with his ongoing lies) then just tell him that this relationship is making you unhappy, it is eroding the trust and respect you have for him and it has to stop. Completely. No music lessons, no emails, no contact whatsoever, including the children.

I doubt that will make you regain your trust but at least it will nip the relationship in the bud.

Now that he knows you are on to him, he will be more secretive btw. This won't just go away on its own.

I bake cakes for my friends all the time. My friends pretty much all happen to be male too. You know who I don't bake cakes for? Clients. Paying customers. I keep those relationships professional.

I can understand the worry about the car valeting too. Yesterday she thought he was just going to the shops. He did - then rang this woman and went to see her while he was out too. So while what he's doing today is probably perfectly innocuous I can see where the worry would could from.

Try not to tie yourself in knots OP. I would probably talk to him again, but make it clear I am not going to spend the rest of my life having "chats" over his behaviour. I would tell him his behaviour is hugely inappropriate, may even negatively affect his teaching if he gets a reputation, and may result in losing his family. I would ask him what he was going to do, what commitments he was going to make to his own family. I would want an apology and a 'plan of action' from him, i.e. keeping the relationship purely professional (no hanging round her house, sending each other emails etc), or ditching her as a client altogether.

I do think he's either a total shit and is just going to brazen it out, or he's in denial as to the extent of his inappropriate relationship.

I can't help thinking that it doesn't matter if it is all innocent. The fact that you are upset by it should mean instant stopping of all unnecessary contact.

Flip your heads everyone, and for a minute give this man some sympathy. Having been in an emotional affair, I think it's one of the worst most difficult situations to find yourself in. Sometimes it can be completely involuntary. you're basically happy in your marriage, but life isn't perfect, you're stressed, you've low self esteem. haven't we all. So some of us are lucky or strong enough to find the strength and distraction we need in our marriage, children, wirk , hobbies. Some are worse off and find a release and something to make them feel free in drink, drugs, gambling etc.

And some people are unlucky enough to find the distraction and buzz they need in another person. Who accidentally appears in their life, one of the many people that could be the one for them. And circumstances randomn lay mean that they have the capacity to have their head turned too. People for the most part are vulnerable and frail, not evil bastards. And the intensity, addiction and thrill of a new attraction, the beginning of a love affair is amazing. It can completely overwhelm you and make you question everything. Incredibly dangerous.

Your husband is in a very dangerous place, on the verge of agony and extascy. So are you.

There's a book called "not just friends" by Shirley glass. Read it and help him, and yourself

Aaaaaand I'm no longer going to be the only person being derided on this thread...