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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit suspicious of DP's new friendship

588 replies

faulkernegger · 27/05/2013 23:22

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

OP posts:
NeedsAHome · 01/06/2013 07:12

Oh dear. My dad befriended a colleague with a seriously debilitating medical condition. Even as a teenager I could see it was inappropriate (buying her her favourite biscuits, going over to take her bins out, discussing this with my DM to legitimise it). My mum never appeared to have an issue and is actually her friend too. She cooks her meals for him to take over to her. However I now happen to know they've been having an affair since then (1996). It makes me feel sick.
Step in now. This is dangerous.

takeaway2 · 01/06/2013 07:55

It may have been innocuous, the first mention of the bike ride. But the subsequent phone call after you mentioned it to him and the 'oh no they did have a puncture' story is ridiculous. Why would he sneakily ring her if not to tell her about your suspicions????

Op this is not an innocuous relationship. I teach older students, who are adults. And sorry I do not exchange such emails on YouTube videos or meals. I have several of them on my private fb page but all after they'd finish being my students...

YouStayClassySanDiego · 01/06/2013 08:02

Morning OP, hope you managed some sleep.

For what it's worth, I don't consider those emails between them innocuous either , they would be innocent if they were between you and him because they're intimate and personal; songs and what you had to eat at a meal are .

Also the sex comment was odd, stop you feeling funny:Hmm..

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 01/06/2013 08:04

Also, the constant mention of bikes getting punctures is risible.

He goes to Halfords to buy the kid a special thing so he wouldn't get a puncture, then the kid does in fact, get a puncture so our Knight in Shining Armour has to go and rescue them. Seriously???? Dp has had his bike for 5 yrs. Mine for 4, dd for 3. Not a puncture between us.

I really want him to read this thread.

OhTheConfusion · 01/06/2013 08:05

Hope you got some sleep OP. I realise the conversation will be a very hard one but it is also essential. I know I couldn't share DH either physically or emotionally.

Inertia · 01/06/2013 08:09

He is showing the classic signs of a man who is not actually sorry about his inappropriate behaviour / EA / affair. He is sorry that you have realised what's going on and now he is going to have to cover his tracks.

I would be looking to get legal advice, so you are prepared for the worst just in case. I think you also need to be clear with him about how this 'friendship' is jeopardizing your relationship.

diddl · 01/06/2013 08:14

Why the fuck does he even care what his pupil & the mother of his pupil do when he isn't there?

He called to see if they had been bike riding-why???

Weren't they supposed to without him?

Was she supposed to be sitting waiting for their next chance to meet since you had foiled the bike ride plan??

Optimist1 · 01/06/2013 08:30

There are some really wise observations this morning, OP, particularly Badinage.

Any chance you can arrange an opportunity for the two of you to have it out without your child(ren) at home? I suspect there will be raised voices/tears involved in the conversation you've got to have with Musicman.

And something that has occurred to me which makes me think you'll have the strength to deal with this is that at no time have you compared yourself with her. Well done for this; shows dignity and confidence!

TobyLerone · 01/06/2013 08:32

I agree with dooin.

I'm clearly not suspicious enough. Nothing in this thread would ring 'alarm bells' for me. They're the sort of things I'd do myself.

WinkyWinkola · 01/06/2013 08:45

Toby, really? You would arrange to go for a bike ride with another man or woman rather than with the parent of your child?

You would be their child's teacher first and then spend hours at their house after teaching?

You would get chummy with a client to the extent you'd get emails with their life minutiae from them?

You would want to check and see what they were doing after your bike ride with them had been scuppered by your partner wanting family time? Why?

Really? You'd be happy to spend lots of time with someone who is not your partner during what could be family time even though your dcs are making cringey observations about it?

Er, hokay. Hmm

AThingInYourLife · 01/06/2013 08:49

You'd have sex with your husband to make him feel better about the amount of time and attention you were spending on another man, to the point that your children were commenting on it?

Hmm

Sure you would.

We all get it. You're incredibly cool and laid back.

TobyLerone · 01/06/2013 08:50

Yes. I've never (to my knowledge) accidentally had sex with anyone whilst riding a bike in the presence of my children.

I did once go to dinner (kebab) and to a football match with my best friend's husband, though. We managed to keep our hands to ourselves, but it was difficult because I have lady parts and he has man parts, so obviously we were drawn to each other.

Sometimes work colleagues become friends. It's not that unusual, surely? And sometimes I do things with my friends without DH.

Although I always know where he is because of the tracking app I have installed on his phone.

AThingInYourLife · 01/06/2013 08:55

"I did once go to dinner (kebab) and to a football match with my best friend's husband, though. We managed to keep our hands to ourselves, but it was difficult because I have lady parts and he has man parts, so obviously we were drawn to each other."

Wow, you are A Mazing.

I have never spent any time with any man and not fucked him.

Well done you.

Now can we deal with the woman and her real problem?

Maybe you could start your own thread to boast about how cool you are and how you are friends with boys.

TobyLerone · 01/06/2013 08:58

What I never get is why the people on these threads who say "I don't necessarily think he's shagging her" are always pounced upon with "yeah, you're so incredibly cool and laid-back" and a sarky face.

It's pathetic and unnecessary. I'm expressing surprise that my DH eating cake and buying a friend's DS a puncture repair kit might be obvious signs he's having an affair.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 08:58

,Morning all. No, not much sleep last night. I appreciate all the comments, helpful or otherwise on here, but reading the latest lot makes me very tearful, and I have been trying to be so calm, and not accusatory or hysterical. Also being on here has made me paranoid - dp gone to valet his car ready for sale - how long can I expect that to take? This suspicion is a horrible horrible feeling. In our 'normal conversations he's talking about what we're going to do to the house, plans for the garden, next holiday - is this a smokescreen? or is he genuinely 'here'. Meh.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 01/06/2013 08:58

Oh, do fuck off!

TobyLerone · 01/06/2013 08:59

(Not you, OP. Sorry.)

headlesslambrini · 01/06/2013 09:01

He is having an emotional affair, to me that bit is very clear, whether he realises it or not is a different matter.

Choices:
Do nothing - chances are this will go into a full affair
Talk to him - be honest and give him the choice her or you. explain that the trust between you has been damaged and that will take time to get back.
Talk to her - not wise imo but if he refuses to choose then this might be the only option
Good.luck op

TobyLerone · 01/06/2013 09:01

Also being on here has made me paranoid - dp gone to valet his car ready for sale - how long can I expect that to take?

This right here is everything that's wrong with these threads. He's probably just getting his car cleaned. But the LTB hysteria has made you worry about every little thing.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 01/06/2013 09:04

You have reason to be paranoid because he has made you feel that way.

I'm sorry you feel tearful, I would be too in your shoes.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 01/06/2013 09:05

toby You may be right. However DP has many female friends that he has been out for drinks with, worked with away on tour etc. and it has never bothered me. It's THIS woman and the fact he's been keeping secrets.

OP posts:
TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 01/06/2013 09:06

He probably is just valeting the car this morning.

It's all the other times the OP knows he wasn't that's her cause for concern.

OP- don't lose it now. You have, as others have said, been fantastic. Calm and dignified. Hang onto that now.

He's probably not having an affair. The other woman might be horrified at the thought that you, and the majority of posters on this thread think his behaviour with her is inappropriate. He might even also be horrified if you point out that all the signs make it look like he's lost his head for this woman. (although based on his reaction to you the other night I'm afraid I doubt that one)

You need to tell him it has to stop, it's upsetting you, the kids have noticed etc etc.

Back2Two · 01/06/2013 09:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

TobyLerone · 01/06/2013 09:10

Just to be clear, it's not the OP who is being insane here. What is insane is the paranoia-inducing screeching about tracking apps and the like.

But yeah, ignore me. I hope I'm right.

DontmindifIdo · 01/06/2013 09:12

See, while I do'nt think you need to throw him out or assume it's a full blown affair, it's clearly the start of an affair, and it needs nipping in the bud now. As he's been using doing innocent stuff as an excuse to spend time with her/contact her, then yes, it's now reasonable for you to worry about how long he's washing the car, or if he's using the time that it's being cleaned to be on the phone to her.

I would say you need ot make it clear you don't trust him anymore, and he has clearly crossed the line with this woman, spell it out that your relationship is hanging by a thread, it could be he is in denial about what dangerous situation he's in - it's all safe at home, and he's not snogged or shagged her so it's all ok, right? No, he has to decide what's more important, if she is really just a student's mum he gets on well with, then she doesn't matter anywhere near as much as you and the DCs do. So she needs cutting out, because he isn't acting loyally to you.