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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 28/05/2013 18:03

No way would I do this, I well remember the monumental cheek of some of the Mums when DC were primary age.

If you end up listening to hand wringing about it again I would suggest a childminder too which then makes it obvious you arent interested. I wouldnt offer ICE either as people will take any chink as a way in

farewellfigure · 28/05/2013 18:08

My very very good friend offered to have my DS after school so I could give up paying childminder fees. After much deliberating about her incredibly kind offer, I told her I valued our friendship too much to risk it. I could see problems such as what happened if her dds were off poorly, or holidays, or all sorts of other hiccups causing angst and bad feeling. If you find that more comfortable, just say you value your friendship with her too much to risk it.

DontmindifIdo · 28/05/2013 18:27

Lonelybunny - call her today - it's half term, she can sort something else out, say that you're finding it too much and you don't want to take her DC to school anymore when they go back. (Do'nt say you can't, say you don't want to, if you say you can't she'll solve the problem, if hte problem is you not wanting too, she can't fix that).

Go on, do it now!

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 28/05/2013 18:51

I see the value of the 'I can do it in an emergency but not regularly' response BUT you then have to guard against an 'emergency' occurring once a week. If that happens, OP, you have to steel yourself to say no on one of the emergency occasions, which is very hard. So I would avoid opening up that avenue altogether in your shoes.

Someone has mentioned this already but some good assertiveness books are:
Anne Dickson ? A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You
And also by Anne Dickson - Difficult Conversations (this covers all manner of things, including really difficult stuff with your boss, telling a partner you aren?t happy in the bedroom, really tricky situations)
Manuel J Smith - When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (this includes the ?broken record? technique, though you can also google to get info on this ? it?s a very good book overall for those who have a tendency to feel selfish over enforcing boundaries)

'We don't know that she doesn't intend to pay' - frankly, I would bet my house that she has never had any intention of offering the OP money for this.

Lonelybunny try the books above, but definitely get yourself out of this arrangement. If you can text her, do it that way to avoid having to brace yourself for a confrontation - she's got notice to get something sorted for next week. Lie if you need to and say you need to look after relatives now or whatever.

aladdinsane · 28/05/2013 19:00

i dont think this is legal
wasnt there a case with 2 policewomen who did reciprocal childcare and were stopped. I think if you are caring over a certain number of hours or regularly then you have to be registered as a child minder

xylem8 · 28/05/2013 19:05

only if you are being paid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DiscoDonkey · 28/05/2013 19:18

Reciprocal childcare where no money changes hands is fine.

SarahAndFuck · 28/05/2013 19:37

Are you thinking of this case aladdin?

BrawToken · 28/05/2013 20:00

My neighbour did this for me for a while til I got a letter from school saying my child had been late every day for six weeks. I was paying her £30 quid a week 8 years ago to have my daughter from 8.15am til 8.50am drop off! Thankfully that child can now get herself to school but her wee sis starts this year and I am not at all sure what I will do yet eek!

In answer to your question, I would say 'I am sorry, but there is no way I could commit to that' with a big smile and offer no explanation.

aladdinsane · 28/05/2013 20:06

thats the one, thanks sarah

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 28/05/2013 20:19

Aladdin, I believe the law changed since that case.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2013 20:43

I would hate this too, OP. It starts off as a favour and then becomes an absolute millstone around your neck. I wouldn't do it.

I think the thread that Cherriesarelovely was referring to is by a poster called PreviouslyOnLost (POL for short). It was a fabulous thread. Not sure how to find it but I imagine somebody could post a link if they know where it would be. It was filled with great suggestions for entitlement rebuttal and it finished in great triumph. Grin

mercibucket · 28/05/2013 20:55

there was a bit of a furore over that case and the law has been clarified

i said upthread that i help out another mum regularly. our kids get on, its no skin off my nose how many kids i walk home, it saves her some money, why not? its not reciprocal and i dont benefit in any way, except by having a friend for them to play with. i am pleased it saves her a few quid. having seen over the years on mn the many many posts of resentment from sahm on this topic, it really does seem to me a difference of attitude between sahm and wohm.

i have other wohm who i ask occasionally to get the kids if i am running late, they in turn have never asked me to look after their kids, but they just understand.

i would never ask a sahm to help out as it would be judgement central based on mn posts

still tho, op, yanbu

gemini1999 · 28/05/2013 21:03

For a very close relative,I took two boys, one girl to school every day when my two were at the same school. When it came to the time where my two left primary school the parents still expected me to do it.
Even though they are much richer than me and they knew that I could now work more and earn more.

They blanked me for months after that and even now I think that the social events we attended were a pay off, even though we all paid our way.
Sometimes it was an absolute pain, when my two had clubs, sleep overs etc.

You will never get any thanks or return for it so don't do it.

baffledgov · 28/05/2013 22:52

This is an old thread but an amusing one with an OP in a similar situation.

tiggytape · 29/05/2013 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CruCru · 30/05/2013 19:32

Hey, have they asked you yet OP?

GingerBlondecat · 08/06/2013 12:39

Is there any Update,? OP ? Flowers

FreudiansSlipper · 08/06/2013 12:55

I can not really see the problem myself my neighbour and I share the school run and she is starting work soon I am happy to take her daught when ds not in breakfast club they can probably go together then

Unless you do not get on with them I really can not see the problem

lilackaty · 08/06/2013 14:08

FreudiansSlipper - The problem is that she doesn't want to do it. There doesn't need to be any other reason even if they get on well.
It is great that it works for you and there are potentially advantages to it too but it wouldn't work for everyone.

Turniptwirl · 08/06/2013 14:13

YANBU, why should you be a (presumably unpaid) childminder just because you're s sahm?

If it was truely one of situation like one child ill and needs parent at home, or childcare fallen through at the very last minute then fair enough, but not on a regular basis.

Say no, and don't be apologetic about it.

expatinscotland · 08/06/2013 14:19

No,no, and no again.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 08/06/2013 15:22

If you are worrying about it, maybe strike now with a 'obviously I wouldn't be able to do it regularly, but if you were ever in a true dire emergency, I could always take x to school. It never works when you do things on a regular basis though, does it?'.

stepawayfromthescreen · 08/06/2013 16:10

I do this for my neighbour. Her kids have SN and one of them was starting at the same school as my dc's so I offered to take her child with us, to help lessen her load.
She occasionally returns the favour, picking up from clubs etc, but I do more. I don't mind in the slightest. I wanted to help. I can help. She needs a helping hand. When I'm to help and make her (hard) life a bit easier, why wouldn't I? I don't expect anything in return. My help is without any conditions or expectations of return favours.

stepawayfromthescreen · 08/06/2013 16:12

I've been doing it for a year and it hasn't caused any problem. No resentment, nothing. On the 2 occasions I couldn't do it, I just texted her to let her know.