Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbours child to school in the mornings

233 replies

averywoomummy · 27/05/2013 20:55

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I know that these neighbours are going to make me feel I am being so!

Basically I have one DS in year one and one DD who is starting school reception in Sept. I also have a neighbour with a DD who is also starting school reception in Sept. Said neighbour works 3 days a week and has recently been making a few heavy hints and "worried" faces about childcare and getting her DD dropped at school. I think that they are trying to suggest or gearing up to asking me to do it (I am a SAHM) and are trying to keep hintiing to make me offer to do it.

The thing is I REALLY don't want to do it for a number of reasons really. Firstly I just don't want the responsibility of another child on the school run. I find it hard enough to control my two and don't want the stress of getting another child safely through the door/making sure they cross roads safely etc.

I also like being flexible in the mornings. If we are up bright and early we might leave and stop by the park on the way to school. Likewise if DS is very tired I might let him lie in a bit longer and leave slightly later. Obviously if we were tied to taking another child to school at a set time I wouldn't be able to do this.

They also have a younger DD so if I do this then the continuation is that in a couple more years I could be taking 4 children to school in the morning!

Even if they offer a reciprocal arrangement I don't want to do it as my two like me taking them to school and there is always some letter to hand in or I need to have a word with the TA so I don't really want anyone else to take them!

The thing is the husband of the couple is really pushy and I am dreading having to say no, he has a way of twisting things to make you feel very unreasonable for not doing what he wants! AIBU??

OP posts:
Redlocks30 · 28/05/2013 12:48

Oops!

Lonely bunny-that would have been the end of the arrangement for me-that's awful! How many days a week do you help her and do they do anything in return or is their 'bad patch' too bad!?

OP, in the words of Zammo: 'just say no' !!

Wishihadabs · 28/05/2013 12:50

As for collecting sick children and taking them shopping WTF ?!

Redlocks30 · 28/05/2013 12:51

Also, when it's a regular arrangement-there won't be thanks for doing it, it'll just be expected that you have agreed and it will happen. Any hiccups and you will be 'letting them down'. You're not a nanny or a childminder-presumably if you'd wanted to become one, you would have trained!

Bowlersarm · 28/05/2013 12:56

YANBU. Don't do it.

From their point of view, it may be hard to pinpoint exactly why you shouldn't do it. You are going anyway; they need help.

However you are a SAHM for your children's benefit. Not an unpaid, or even paid, childminder for other people's benefit.

It is fine to help out once in a while, but as a regular thing-no.

Be strong OP. as others have said here "no" is a complete sentence. (Soften it up though for the sake of harmony)

Chopchopbusybusy · 28/05/2013 13:01

I've been sucked into helping with similar arrangements in the past and they have never worked out well. It might start off as dropping off at school three days a week but it will soon be taken for granted and other tasks will be added.

I even fell for the "what are you doing next Friday?" Thinking I was being invited out I said "nothing" and ended up babysitting - again! Then when I wanted a bit of reciprocal babysitting she was never available but could offer me her teenage DDs services at a cost!

The night I babysat after being asked if I had any plans her teenage DD had let her down because she'd got a paying job! That was the point I realised I had mug tattooed on my forehead and said no after that.

BoffinMum · 28/05/2013 13:02

I wouldn't stress out about it - just say you are feeling a bit all over the place at the moment and don't want to take this on at the moment on top of everything else you have to think about, BUT mention that if they are really stuck just to give you a shout (because then you can call on them next time you are in bed with something and don't want to have to drag yourself out to do the school run).

EugenesAxe · 28/05/2013 13:05

I don't think it would be unreasonable to say no and I also think you should avoid reasons; they just get picked apart and made out to not be valid.

If he keeps on going just offer that you're sorry, but it wouldn't work for your family; you are finding him quite aggressive and would like him to respect your wishes and stop etc.

They chose that lifestyle... if they can't deal with it independently they should rethink it.

JenaiMorris · 28/05/2013 13:10

YANBU but don't burn your bridges yy, Wish

I could see having another child over being OK actually - rather than being a PITA it might have helped get ds out of bed and they'd have entertained themselves whilst I got ready myself.

I'm a bit taken aback by how ready people are on MN to say "no" and to call "entitled!" sometimes. People seem terribly suspicious and assume that others are out to take the piss, which ime simply isn't the case.

Having said that there was one mother at school who was shocking and took advantage all the time (until people cottoned on). Thankfully my ds couldn't stand hers (to the point that one reason he chose the secondary school he's at now was that this woman's child was going elsewhere!) so no requests ever came my way from her.

Oscalito · 28/05/2013 13:27

Given that the neighbour hasn't actually asked for this favour yet, can we please have an update about future conversations/further developments OP?

Standautocorrected · 28/05/2013 13:29

lonelybunny I think you need to start your own thread and let's help you get rid of the commitment that is strangling you.

flanbase · 28/05/2013 13:55

Lonelybunny - this afternoon say NO, I can't take your child to school and other trips any more from today. I know it makes things hard for you but it's making things hard for me. Thank for for trusting me with this task. You are friends so will understand what I'm saying." Leave it at this and stick with NO and from this evening.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 28/05/2013 13:58

Lonelybunny yes to starting your own thread and getting this Parent to stop leeching childcare off you.

flanbase · 28/05/2013 13:59

JenaiMorris - I have been stick with taking care of others kids when I was so very busy with my own. I didn't say no because I was trying to be helpful. I realised that people take more and more so now I say no to everything and then think it over. If I can help I will and do. I have lots to do with my own children and there is no one I know that would be busier than me so if they ask me it's because they don't understand that I have a lot to do.

redlac · 28/05/2013 14:02

I agree flanbase - Loneybunny we are all here to support you and back you up :)

JUST SAY NO

gazzalw · 28/05/2013 14:07

I think it's a slippery slope TBQH unless you are really close friends. I know several mums at school who've been sucked into it and they soon start to resent it.

tiggytape · 28/05/2013 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flanbase · 28/05/2013 14:13

Lonelybunny - these people will quickly ask someone else. It will feel difficult to say before and during and after that you are free. They can complain& shout & whatever they want but you don't have to take their child any more. They should say thank you but they wont.

eosmum · 28/05/2013 14:23

My really lovely sister found herself with a similar arrangement but at home time. She ended up at times going to the school to collect the other child even if her own DS was going to a friends house. Due to a change in circumstances she had to finish the arrangement and have her own DS collected by a childminder, whom she pays very well, and somehow the person she helped for years and this persons friends are no longer speaking to my sister over this. So no don't do it, don't cave it will not work in the long term, you will feel resentful and they will feel entitled.

Shitsinger · 28/05/2013 15:10

I think this type of arrangement ,benefits them whilst really inconveniencing you, will end in "you let us down" as described upthread.
Better to be upfront and say No !

Original poster
averywoomummy · 28/05/2013 15:11

Hi Everyone - sorry it has taken me so long to come back to the thread! I have read through all the answers and they have been very helpful.

I'm glad that most people think I am not being unreasonable. I think I am going to go down the "pre-emptive strike" route of saying something about how I struggle to cope with 2 and that I can't imagine how people with more than that do it and then offer her details of a couple of local childminders.

I think it's a good point that some people have made about how really it is subsidising their lifestyle. I don't know what a childminder would cost but I imagine at least £5 to walk them round to school. That's a lot of money over the course of the year for them to save. I very much doubt they would offer payment as she has been moaning about how much childcare costs and tbh I think the idea of them using me would be that they didn't have to spend out.

Even if they did offer payment I wouldn't want to do it as the main thing for me is to have the flexibility and time for my children and to me the value of that is more than what they would offer to pay.

Good points too about how it could easily go from dropping off in the morning to getting here early for breakfast and school holiday cover too.

I'm amazed at some of the stories and how when you give people an inch they take a mile. I definitely think lonelybunny needs some support to stop her friend taking advantage of her.

OP posts:
sagfold · 28/05/2013 15:27

Sounds good. Good luck!!

Khaleese · 28/05/2013 15:58

Lonely bunny...oh my god you need to say "were going through a bad batch, i can't do this anymore"
They are taking the piss, you need to end this now.

It's a big financial hardship not to work, it doesn't make you free labour for others. Your priorities are different. It would cost them £20 a day for pick ups. A serious amount of money per year.

R2G · 28/05/2013 16:34

IF you find it difficult to say no outright a good answer that you may feel comfortable with is 'I'm happy to help in an emergency, but this isn't something I'd want to commit to on any sort of regular basis.'

If pressed for why, you can just say no, but may feel better saying something like 'I couldn't cope with three small children and ensuring they were safe. I don't want to make that commitment on a regular basis. Plus, our arrangements vary from morning to morning.'

if he makes you feel really bad you can go for 'I know it is difficult to juggle the mornings, others I know who work have found that breakfast club is a good option and they have felt less stressed in the mornings as there is no traffic and can park right outside school and then still get to work on time'.

Let us know how it goes. I work full time and have asked very occasional favours when sick. I know that I can't usually return the favours (due to working full time including holidays) and would never put someone under this sort of pressure.

Morebiscuitsplease · 28/05/2013 16:58

Say no! Am always happy to help out friends and regularly do so, but do not want to commit to anything on a regular basis. Our school wanted volunteers for a walking bus;( I have chosen to work the hours I do so I can take my dc to school. It is valuable time, we talk and if necessary can speak to teachers. Being committed to take other children to school is not for me.

fufflebum · 28/05/2013 16:58

If you do not want to do it, don't. If asked just say I am really sorry but I cannot help out at the moment you do not have to give reasons.

I have been asked lots of times for 'favours' from people and rarely/never asked anyone for anything. I help out if I can but when I have had issues very few people help out.

They are not your children. You happen to live next door to each other.

Where I live there are at least another four parents that have children at the same school. No one has ever offered to help in the past when I had a dire situation with DH. I have been asked by two of the four families.

It is ok to help out occasionally but you have responsibilities too especially when children first start school there are always things you need to talk to teacher about etc.

You do not have to give reasons, do not feel guilty. Say no this time and next time it gets easier (honestly I used to always feel bad and offer help etc and over time have learned it stresses me out!)