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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

216 replies

DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:29

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

OP posts:
mummytime · 06/05/2013 16:35

I would push the point. If you have regular access and your daughter knows you well.

If it went to court you would get permission, unless there are circumstances you haven't said.

Cailinsalach · 06/05/2013 16:35

I dont know the legal position but I think you have every moral right to take your child to this wedding.

Have you ever given your ex any reason to be concerned regarding your child? Who is the primary care giver?

RainbowsFriend · 06/05/2013 16:36

You are probably not being unreasonable. but I must say I would be very uncomfortable about my 22 month old daughter being out of the country away from me - even for one night. I'd probably let her go though if I was confident her father could comfort her ok and not drink while in charge of her etc...

However, you are talking about next year - things might change and it's a long way off.

Sirzy · 06/05/2013 16:39

I wouldn't like the idea BUT you are both parents so she can't stop you taking her on holiday (unless of course there are genuine concerns about your ability to care)

DorisIsWaiting · 06/05/2013 16:40

How much of a relatiuonship do you have with her (DD) at the moment?

cocolepew · 06/05/2013 16:40

If you DD is used to seeing you I don't see a problem.

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:40

I haven't given her any reason to be concerned, though she does worry a lot in general, and daughter has separation anxiety at the moment so I still see her with mum there during access. But she has said herself that it's just a phase and she knows she will be fine alone soon.
Rainbows, would your daughter be ok going with her dad for a day or 2 at that age?

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 06/05/2013 16:42

Bloody ridiculous, I bet she wouldn't ask your permission if she wanted to take daughter out if the country for the night.

As long as you have a good, loving, close relationship with your daughter your xps double standards stink.

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:42

Doris, I see her twice a week, she is happy and confident with me, and smiles and reaches out when she see's me, but panics if mum leaves the room. She does this when mum is alone as well though apparently.

OP posts:
DoctorRobert · 06/05/2013 16:43

I wouldn't want my 25 month old being taken abroad without me.

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:43

((But mum has said she doesn't expect the separation anxiety to last longer than a month or 2, so thats not the reason she has said no))

OP posts:
Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:44

Doctor, would you not like it if it was the other parent either?
Just out of curiosity, what would your issues with abroad be? Would it be more of an issue being 2 hours away in france, than say 2 hours away in the UK?

OP posts:
whatamardarse · 06/05/2013 16:46

I was about to say YANBU but actually the length of time she would be away , would just be like spending the weekend at yours.

Nearly two is still very young though and probably would have a issue about leaving country. Could your ex not come too maybe with a friend and turn it in to a small get away, then u could relax with dd and spend a few days with your family spending time with her?

5318008 · 06/05/2013 16:46

I think you would need to start seeing your DD without her Mum first, a separation of so long without first building up could be really hard for DD

2rebecca · 06/05/2013 16:47

I think that she is being unreasonable provided that you are used to having your daughter for prolonged periods. I think once a child is no longer breast feeding then there is no reason they can't spend prolonged periods with the father and if you'd have her for a few days in the UK I don't see why a few days abroad is any different. If you're flying then surely it would be less traumatic for your daughter to have a few days at the wedding location. I don't see how wizzing there and back benefits anyone.
My ex and I have generally agreed to each other taking the kids abroad seeing it as fun for the kids.
If she disagrees you will need to take it to court though. Have you only recently separated and is she not used to being regularly separated from her daughter yet?
If it's early days I'd just go alone rather than risk wrecking the relationship with your ex. You have to play a long term game with access. If she repeatedly blocks you doing stuff then court can be better than not seeing your daughter.

jacks365 · 06/05/2013 16:49

You are not currently taking sole care of your daughter all you are doing is playing with her. Do you do any actual caring ie feeding or nappy changing. How long do you spend with your daughter. From the little you have said my answer would right now be no and no way would i want to commit myself till right before the wedding, too many variables at that age.

2rebecca · 06/05/2013 16:49

I've just seen that you haven't spent any time alone with your daughter yet. In that case her anxiety is understandable. At 2 your daughter won't remember the wedding anyway.

DukeSilver · 06/05/2013 16:51

As I single mum I wound say you should be able to take her.

Although obviously I would worry about my dd being out the country for a few days and I would miss her there is no way I would feel that I had the right to tell her dad he couldn't take her.

mrsjay · 06/05/2013 16:51

of course she should go , you have custody as well don't you ? I think a 2 year old could cope fine with dad and other members of the family ,

TidyDancer · 06/05/2013 16:52

Just a thought, but is this actually an issue with your mother? You said your mum doesn't get on with your ex, perhaps your ex doesn't have a problem with DD being out of the country with you, but with your mother?

Depending on why they don't get on, I think I may question it in your ex's position.

If having your DD there is really important to you and your ex still won't budge, could your ex go to France with you, but just not attend the wedding?

RainbowsFriend · 06/05/2013 16:52

To answer your query - I'm really not sure. Although I live with her father (DP) and he tries to be hands on, DD is still at the separation anxiety stage and when he has her for more than about 4 hours she starts crying for me. (Despite being fine at the childminders for 6 hours when I'm at work!)

I'm not sure he could cope with her overnight - although I am planning my first evening out since she was born soon - leaving her with DP to put to bed etc for the first time.

I think it needs to be built up to - if your daughter is fine with you overnight, then surely there is no issue? But it really depends on how you an your daughter build up to it!

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:53

531, the wedding isn't until next March so I would be aiming to have her for full days by then.
What - suggesting she stays nearby could be a last resort, but I'm not sure she would be prepared to, she is always saying how tight money is, and has handed in her notice at work to be a SAHM until she is 3 so that won't be improving.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/05/2013 16:54

Oh yes, I just saw that you haven't been alone with her.

In that case, I would be saying no as well at the moment, but that you could reassess nearer the time if progress has been made.

Not a chance I would let a child go with someone who hasn't cared for them alone, so this is what you need to work on.

Sirzy · 06/05/2013 16:54

Would she travel to France with you then and you just take your daughter to the wedding?

TidyDancer · 06/05/2013 16:55

I think you should probably meet at least half the cost, if not more, of her going to France if that's what turns out.

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