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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

216 replies

DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:29

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

OP posts:
ChocsAwayInMyGob · 06/05/2013 18:12

I think the DD will stay clingy if the mother never lets her go anywhere with even her own father who is also her own parent.

It's a short wedding, not a long holiday. The father's family is as much her family as her mother's family.

This talk of her "being passed round like a parcel among people she hardly knows". Rubbish! Is that any reason to make sure she never sees them at all? It's more likely to be a case of meeting her relatives who love her.

The baby has a right to know her father and her father's family. I don't see that he is doing anything wrong in wanting to take his daughter to a short family event.

The only problem is that the mother is clearly refusing to let him see the baby alone, and needs to let him do this so he can build his relationship with her.

LunaticFringe · 06/05/2013 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 06/05/2013 18:33

I've jut scanned through the thread again, and realised its unclear how old your DD is now. Can you confirm her exact age?

TidyDancer · 06/05/2013 18:33

jut just

ChangeNameToday · 06/05/2013 18:39

I can see your side of it but...I know that at that age I would not have let my child out of my sight for an afternoon so an overnight would certainly be out of the question. That's me though, I'm probably ott and not representative of the many.

I would also be really uncomfortable with my child being taken to an occasion where, presumably, people don't have a good word to say about me and don't want me there.

I know you mean well, but, personally, I'd say no too.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 06/05/2013 18:42

I would also be really uncomfortable with my child being taken to an occasion where, presumably, people don't have a good word to say about me and don't want me there.

You can't micromanage that.

I can't bear my ex SIL but see loads of my nephew and would never badmouth her in front of him.

You can't control your DD only seeing people who like you.

maddening · 06/05/2013 18:46

what about mum coming and staying with dd in an apartment nearby then dd can have a relaxing time with you at the wedding and mum can spend the day relaxing and sunbathing and you might get more days with you and family as mum is nearby and happy?

MortifiedAdams · 06/05/2013 18:50

Scruffy it is my opinion that the reason your 2yo was so dostressed at being left is because you had never left him. Making them so so dependent and reliant on one singular person does them no favours.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 06/05/2013 18:51

I think if the mum always has to go where the baby goes, then the baby will never be able to go anywhere without her.

She should be able to allow the baby's father to have her alone.

ImAlpharius · 06/05/2013 18:54

OP you say you think your ex would be happier if this didn't involve your family. Is there a big history? How often does your DM see your DD?

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 18:55

She is 11 months, will be one later this month. Thank you for all your replies. I have been trying to up the time gradually, but it is tricky finding a balance between having enough time/a situation in which to get to know her well, and her getting upset and more clingy.
With regards to the longer visits and alone visits being suggested, would you suggest insisting on doing part of the visits alone now and building up that way? Or should I wait for daughter to be completely happy with being away from mum/how long would you guess that would take?
She has also mentioned that daughter will end up resenting both of us if she's assosiated me with taking her away, and her with not being there when she cries. Would she actually think like that, or would she get used to being away after a bit and be ok?

I think I might suggest the staying in a hotel idea nearby to mums to her. I guess that will make it clearer whether it's an issue with the wedding/family or distance too.

OP posts:
acceptableinthe80s · 06/05/2013 18:56

Fgs, now some of you are claiming the mother is selfish! We're talking about a baby here, not even 1 yr old yet by the sounds of it. None of us know the background here so please reserve judgement.
The fact is for whatever reason the father has never had sole responsibility for this baby and until he builds up to that i'm not surprised the mother isn't keen.

OP i think you've made the mistake of mentioning this too early to your ex, might have been an idea to wait until you were having your dd alone regularly before mentioning taking her abroad.
Right now your ex probably can't imagine your dd being ok without her around (you mentioned she panics if the mother leaves the room). Children gradually become more independent but it's impossible to imagine that when your child is still a baby and very much dependent on you.

I would leave it at the moment, work on your relationship with dd and show your ex you are capable then broach the subject again nearer the time.

crashdoll · 06/05/2013 18:57

"why would you think you should take a child out of the country without her mother? your daughter is not your possession, she is a person. why would she want to be separated from the person with primary responsibility for her care?"

Posts like this give MN a bad name, fortunately most members are able to offered a more balanced view.

Tau · 06/05/2013 18:58

If that wedding is not until March there is no point arguing about it now. That will only cause annoyances and it's way too early to make that decision.

With a child so young, you are both still adapting to the situation, and things will be completely different by the time this wedding takes place. Neither you not your ex can be sure how you will feel by then, what your daughter will be like, or what your relationship will be like.
Up until then, all you have to do is be a good Dad, and if you succeed in that there is a good chance that your ex will be fine with it - don't start making a fuss and upsetting your ex so long before there is a need to even think about it.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 06/05/2013 19:00

Or should I wait for daughter to be completely happy with being away from mum/how long would you guess that would take?

If you wait for that, you'll wait for years. I think your ex is digging her heels in too much. If she always has to be where her daughter is, then you'll all be stuck with her calling the shots forever.

If she has issues with your family, she could using the clingy issue to stop her DD going.

I found it hard to hand my baby over to anyone. But you are her father and she has a right to a relationship with you. This cannot happen if it is in controlled slots of 3 or 4 hours with the mother breathing down your neck and calling the shots.

TidyDancer · 06/05/2013 19:01

I don't think you should insist on lone visits yet, I think you need to massively up the time first because you really on balance don't spend very much time with DD at all at the moment. When she's more comfortable with you, short periods alone, then longer and then all being well that could be overnight.

But as things stand, I think your ex is absolutely right to say no. Four hours is far different to 48+.

I think it's good you're asking for opinions rather than steaming in and demanding, that would help nobody.

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 19:03

My mum has seen daughter twice, as she lives in france so doesn't come back often. Saw her as a newborn and in december.
My sister will also be there though, and she see's her about once a month or so, has seen her with just ex there a few times and they've always seemed to get on reasonably well.

OP posts:
ChangeNameToday · 06/05/2013 19:04

Ah, she's 11 months? Gosh, that's tiny. When DS was 11 months I would have had a panic attack if anyone (including his excellent father - my husband) had suggested taking him overnight without me. I was twitchy if the grandparents took him to the swings!

greenformica · 06/05/2013 19:05

maybe your ex could stay in a hotel close but you can have the day with her at the wedding?

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 06/05/2013 19:05

Start by leaving the house with your DD and going to the park and back. She might cry when she leaves her mother but you will be bringing her back a short while later. This way she can be used to having you in her life, and can be reassured that she is back with her Mum shortly afterwards.

It sounds like you are not allowed out of your ex's sight yet. A few jaunts to the shops or park alone will help to build this up a bit. It need only be 15 or 20 mins for a pint of milk or something to start off with.

acceptableinthe80s · 06/05/2013 19:06

Just seen your last post OP. Why not start taking your dd out to the park/for a walk for half an hour? She might cry to start with which will be upsetting for everyone but she'll more than likely than settle once out and about. Babies/toddlers react well to distraction techniques so when mum leaves the room try to distract her, take her over to the window and point things out, anything to distract her from the fact her mum's not there. Once you get to know her better, you'll get a better idea of her likes/dislikes, tiredness cues etc..

Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 19:06

op i would start the 'without' mum visits now.

for example start the visit at mum's but get DD into the buggy and make a big deal about going to see feed the ducks, distraction is really helpful and it would be great if mum could disappear into the kitchen and let you slip out with dd, or maybe you all go to teh ducks together and mum slips away and you agree to be back with DD in 20 minutes (or less if she gets distressed/bored with ducks)

i think at age 1 your dd will adapt very quickly to spending alone time with you and she wont notice gradual increases in time away from mum.

Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 19:07

oops. xposting witha few people.

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 19:13

Tidy what sort of time do you think I should aim to up it to now? Do you think trying to do the park suggestion chocs and acceptable mentioned would be something to do now?

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 06/05/2013 19:13

The baby is 11 months old now. Is she breast feeding?

How is the mother supposed to be leaving the child alone with it's father for extended periods of time in this case? I hardly think this is 'digging her heels in'.

OP i think honestly you are asking the right questions - how and how long to build up trust etc., but bare in mind that the baby is so very young right now that it is going to be hard for the mother to envisage being separated from her by such a distance.

The child may well take a long time to adjust to time with you alone. I would definately keep in mind letting the mother come to France too. For your DDs sake.

You and your family are looking forward to the time when baby is happy to be with you alone. The mum however is full time carer of a tiny baby and is having to think about letting go when all her instincts are screaming to cling on.