To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

[DaddyAndDaughterTime]

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

[LoveSewingBee]

OP Do you think your daughter would enjoy the wedding?

[KristinaM]

None of my children would have been happy to be away from me for 48hours when they were two years old. Even if I had left them in their own house with their father ( who lives with us).

I don't know how they woudl have coped with a plane journey alone with him,sleeping in a strange place and meeting lots of new people.

It's nothing to do with the rights of the parent.some babies and toddlers are just very attached to their primary caregiver.

I think this should be less about your mothers wishes and more about your daughters best interest.

As others have said, it's a long way off.if you are having regular overnight access with your dd, her mother might feel differently then.


Also you should consider teh pratical implications of a toddler at a wedding.how will you keep her occupied and quiet during teh ceremony? What will she do during a meal and speeches? Will you go back to the hotel with her aftre the meal or will she sleep in a buggy? Won't you mind mixing the evening reception and not being able to have a drink?

[pickledginger]

In over a year's time.

[Sparklyboots]

I wouldn't want my 2.4yo out of the country without me, even just for one night, even with DP, who is his (resident) father and who is responsible for childcare during the 3 days a week when I am at work (and shares care during the rest of the week). I'm totally sure that DS wouldn't want this either. And DP wouldn't want it to happen, even if we weren't together, because he's as familiar with DS as I am and wouldn't think it appropriate (we just today talked about the possibility of him going away for the night with DS).

If you all have your DDs best interest at heart, persuading your ex to have a short holiday to the area for the wedding, with you taking DD to the wedding for the day, would seem to me to be the way forward. I wouldn't think it worth pushing at this stage; I can't see it leading to anything but resentment and stress between you and your ex and you are in the long game of co-parenting apart, after all.

I agree that the emphasis should be on what suits the child, rather than the rights of your ex, you, or your mother in this case. My very good friend expresses it thus: the child gets the rights, the adults get the responsibilities.

[OldRichandGrateful]

OP - will you be happy to get up at around 6am (or earlier) on the wedding day to look after your DD? After a long night of not getting any sleep because your DD has been crying because she is in unfamiliar surroundings without her Mum?

Would you be happy not to consume any alcohol over the entire holiday?

Would you be happy to leave the wedding party at around 6pm to bathe your DD, read her a story and put her to bed. - and stay with her all night?

What happens if you go to the wedding with a new partner? Would you want your DD there, cramping your style?

[pickledginger]

'It's nothing to do with the rights of the parent.some babies and toddlers are just very attached to their primary caregiver.'

Well put. It's something that depends on the individual child. And there's no way of knowing how this child will be in 6 months time.

[EglantinePrice]

So when I read the OP I thought yanbu.

Then I read the rest.

YABU.

What isiolo said.

What ginger said

She does leave the room

I think theres way too much thought given to 'your rights' and what your ex 'should' be doing, and way to little thought being given to whats best for your dc.

Some kids are in full time nursery at 6 weeks. Doesn't mean its the best thing, certainly doesn't mean its ok for your dd to go to a wedding in France. It may be convenient for you to plan this now but realistically you need to revisit the whole thing much closer to the time.

[Mytimewillcome]

I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my child go abroad without me with my ex and to my ex mils wedding, especially if she didn't like me. It may not be the right reaction but it would be my gut reaction.

Could your ex go with you but not go to the wedding. That way you could return your dd to her after a few hours. She could go to bed at a reasonable time and then you could return to the wedding and everyone would be happy.

[pigletmania]

Really op you should start having unsupervised visits and building a relationship between you and your dd, even if it's a trip to the park or shops and build it up over time

[FannyFifer]

I am the stay at home parent so spend more time with our children when they are small than my partner.

There's no way either of us would have thought it fair to take a small child away from me for a few days.

DP visits family in Ireland and wouldn't have brought the children with just him till they were around 4 or 5.

I would not even consider agreeing to the scenario above.

[AThingInYourLife]

You wouldn't let your children go to visit their grandparents with their Dad until they were in school?!

Holy clingy batman.

(Not the kids)

[2rebecca]

Agree with pigletmania. Forget the wedding at the moment, it really isn't that important as far as your relationship with your daughter goes. You need to start seeing her alone. if she's breastfeeding that will only be for a couple of hours, but babies get separation anxiety if the parents live together. Mine both had phases of crying if the "wrong" parent picked them up. If you live together you ignore this and just parent the child. If you are to be an active father you need to spend time alone with her so she gets used to you, small periods at first then built up as you're more relaxed together and she's no longer breastfeeding. Your ex needs to let go a bit as well. Do it gradually, but start doing it.

[2rebecca]

What if your husband had been the main carer? Would you have thought it OK for him to "refuse" to let you "take" the children away without him? My brother is the main carer of his kids and there is no way he'd stop my SIL taking the kids where she wants to, or any way she'd have accepted it. Women can be horribly controlling about children sometimes.

[FannyFifer]

I didn't say I stopped my partner, it wasn't something that either of us would have considered.

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

I find it quite worrying that some posters are saying the baby shouldn't see the MIL because she doesn't like the mother.

I don't think that has anything to do with it. A mother cannot only allow her child to see people who like her. My parents hate each other's guts. Doesn't make any difference who I see and don't see.

AThingInYourLife- I agree with everything you've said.

[Littlehousesomewhere]

I would keep working on your relationship with your daughter, I never had to deal with separation anxiety so no advice there but I would try to increase the amount of time spent with her with plans to increase time alone together as well.

I wouldn't even discuss the wedding yet, too early and you don't know what it will be like then anyway. You may find she is a very challenging toddler and you might enjoy the wedding more without her, rather than dealing with a toddler running away and tantruming!

Talk about it next January.

Tell your x that you are sorry to mentioned it, it is too early to decide anything now.

[CheerfulYank]

I think YANBU if you build up to it. My DS started staying for occasional weekends with my parents, without me or DH, before he was 2. They're a 5 hour drive away. He'll be six this summer and just got back from a week with them alone.

I think taking her for a walk to the park, etc, is a good place to start and frankly I'd
think the mum was bonkers if she said no to a ten minute walk.

If the MIL won't run down the mum in front of the DD (which no normal person would) there's no relevance to the fact that she doesn't like the mum. That shouldn't mean she doesn't get to see her granddaughter! My grandmother and mum have NEVER been overly fond of each other and I still have relationships with both of them. I didn't realize any of it until I was older bbecause they never said anything in front of me.

[CheerfulYank]

And I am DS's primary carer. That doesn't mean I'm the only person in his life who can care for him.

Imo that's a really unhealthy attitude.

[NonnoMum]

We don't know much about YOU. You might be violent (hope not), alcoholic (hope not), use drugs (hope not), be 14 years old. It's very hard to make these kind of judgements on the internet.

Keep working on your parenting skills.

[CloudsAndTrees]

Fast forward to the time of the wedding, and lets imagine that the mother still isn't happy despite the toddler being able to cope fine without her for a night.

You are talking about taking a very young child into a in unfamiliar and possibly unsettling environment, for what may be her first flight, for no benefit to her whatsoever.

Granny wants the child there, the mum does not. Whose feelings matter most? I'd say it's by far the Mums, and they trump Dads too when she is the one doing by far the vast majority of caring for the child.

This trip will serve to make two adults happy. Not the child. The child is not there for you or your mother to show off at a wedding. If your mother wants a relationship with her granddaughter then she can visit whenever she wants, and invite the child along with the person who looks after her.

I find it very sad that so many people don't see how unkind it would be to do this to a toddler.

[Isiolo]

My dcs have been staying with my parents overnight since 6 months old. They take them in week long holidays, abroad without me since age 2.

I do facilitate their relationship with Xs family by going with them, as they are long haul. My X can be a bit clueless, but this is the plan we came up with together. He is at least that conscious of the dcs needs.

The scenario in the OP, no way. The fact that OP is so blaze and focused on his dd being at the wedding, would make me reluctant

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Tbh its not something I would agree to now under the current circumstances. And if you started being demanding about it I would probably take issue with it. Its also something that would be very differcult and expensive for you to try and resolve legally as things stand at the moment and I wouldn't put much faith in it being resolved to your satisfaction.

Why don't you continue to build on your relationship with your dd and ask nearer to the time,she will be older your relationship will be more established and she will be more secure with you.

[AThingInYourLife]

At the rate this mother is forcing the relationship between father and daughter to progress he won't be taking her overnight until she's 25.

The OP might as well just stop bothering with the total fucking charade that is spending hours with his daughter unable to spend any time alone because of her "separation anxiety".

Well-adjusted, happy toddlers enjoy spending time at family events with either parent even if it involves a night or two away from the other.

But there's no way any kind of independence will be countenanced in this situation.

Or any normal relationship between daughter and father.

I had no idea calling myself a "primary caregiver" gave me such latitude to call all the shots about my children's care and exclude their father from whatever I fancy.

[plinkyplonks]

Some of the comments on here are appalling. I don't understand why some of you have listed off a long list of requirements for the father to meet that you couldn't fulfil yourself. Seriously, can you speak french? Have you got a history of alcohol and substance abuse.. these are things have been asked of the OP in this thread and it is a disgusting double standard.

Do you not think that the child has a right to bond with his father and father's family too? I have vague memories of when i was 2-3, children generally enjoy weddings and it's a great opportunity for the OP's child to bond with his family -an opportunity that the child doesn't get that often.

I don't think the OP has been given the opportunity to prove himself by exPartner, and that's not fair. At 2, my nephews were enjoying nursery and days out with family members for extended periods of time without mummy. Maybe it would be difficult for you to cope with the idea that a child can cope without you for a certain period of time?

Additionally, some mentioning - oh why tell her now? Well actually thats a damn good thing. Because now they can come up with an action plan to make sure he gets gradual more access which he should have been getting to start with so that he can build up a solid relationship with his child.

OP - please make sure you get more access with your child, building it up over time. Your child needs you and you will never build up the relationship you are hoping for with the level of access you have now. At 2, I don't think it's unreasonable to take your child abroad without its mother. It's not just about this wedding but the life long relationship you have with your child and the child's opportunity to bond with your family.

Good luck :)

[exoticfruits]

There is always a double standard on MN. Fathers are equal parents in my view and the DC is old enough to be used to staying overnight with him and the paternal grandparents. Those things always say more about the parent than the DC. She has plenty of time to prepare the DC- she doesn't want to- and probably wouldn't want to if the DC was 5yrs or older.