To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

[DaddyAndDaughterTime]

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

And the right to important family events. Haha. At that age, the child won't care about missing a family event, she won't know any better. She will however care, if she gets tired/grumpy/nervous about all the people at the wedding and doesn't have her primary carer with her to comfort her.

Really, OP, slowly, extend your visits, consider taking your ex to France as well and I bet, that will help you a lot more in the future to have a good and stable relationship with her and your child.

If your ex gets forced into something she can't cope with yet, she might start dragging her feet and things will get so much more complicated long term.

I think considering your visits are supervised by ex at the moment and you haven't actually had your dd overnight or for any extended periods as sole carer I can see why your ex would be unhappy with the wedding suggestion.

You need to work up to having dd alone and then having proper contact on your own and go from there.

And I say that as someone who left my ex when dd was 6 months old (she is now 10) and he saw her once a week at first and then for one night a week and then for weekends ... and now he lives in America and she visits him for half the holidays!

My nearly 4 year old still objects if I go out of the house and leave him with Daddy. It might be horrible saying bye and going to do things without him, but within seconds he is fine. Have you thought about trying this with your daughter?

If you are at the stage of having your daughter for the weekend at your house, going to the wedding will be fine. If your still at the point of 3-4 hours supervised visits, its going to be very difficult for all of you.

FWIW, I have left DH (at our house) with a 1 year old on his own for a week when I had to go away for work, and later with a 3 yr old and 1 yr old for a couple of nights. So yes, if you are used to doing everything, and spending time alone, it should be fine to spend the weekend away from Mum at 2yrs old.

I'm not sure whether you are bu or not - I think probably neither you or her mother are bu, but I thought I would wade in and speak of my children.

I had to go to work when my pfb was 9mo - her dad was between jobs - I live with her dad, but up to this point he had always handed her to me when she got distressed, I had very much done the lions share of the caring. It was very much baby cried hand her to mum. So she saw me as her source of comfort. But the bills had to be paid, so I handed her over to her dad, and went to work. Both DH and DD had to get there heads round that and they coped, and I enjoyed a bit of freedom. A month later she started nursery when he went to work. I really don't think that her relationship with him would be as good if he hadn't had to bite the bullet and get on with it.

Lots and lots of mothers have to leave their babies for work at 6/7/8/9 months old. I totally get why you are visiting with your child's mother there, but at some point you need to go solo. She might cry - if you go somewhere local if she gets very distressed and won't settle you can go back to mum early. Lots of children at this age cry until they realise that mum is out of earshot and then bumble along quite happily. She will learn that her dad is able to comfort and care for her too.

You sound like you have a good relationship with your ex and that you are considerate of her and respect her. All the best with it all. I totally understand you wanting to go to the wedding and I think that making it just one night sounds very fair.

"If your ex gets forced into something she can't cope with yet, she might start dragging her feet and things will get so much more complicated long term."

Do as the real parent says or lose access to your child.

Really?

"The fact that the OP and his ex are not together shouldn't come into it."

This seems to contradict everything else you are arguing.

But most 2 year olds don't have to miss important family events because their mother won't allow them to go with their father.

My 17 month old went overseas with her father and sister to attend her grandmother's birthday that I could not attend.

She had a brilliant time and loves hearing now about how she went around asking everyone for cake.

This is an important event in her family. She will meet family members for the first time, start and deepen important bonds, and have loads of fun.

There is no good reason why a child of that age should be so freaked out about being with her Dad for two nights.

And both parents should be working towards making sure that she is not.

It is shameful that a father who wants to be involved hasn't been alone with his daughter for 11 months.

The child is missing out already because her parents aren't together.

I'm usually the one arguing that parents are not equal just because of genes.

But this is ridiculous.

You need to stop thinking about getting your dd to this wedding IMO. That decision will have to wait until much much nearer the time. You can't start engineering everything now, with the aim of getting her there! She is under 1 years old, breast fed baby who was in SCBU for a month ffs! You presently see her for 6 hours a week supervised. I promise in, for mum it will be totally unacceptable to be considering this trip right now. Stop being selfish, and just see how it goes

Why the hell, anyone thinks mum should agree to take a trip to France to facilitate this, is beyond me

Op, there really is no reason why you shouldn't start having your dd alone for short periods, even if that just means her mother goes into another room for 20 minutes to start with.
Many, many children are in childcare at that age being looked after by strangers, initially, and they all cope, thrive even and manage to still have healthy, attached relationships with their primary carers.
You're her dad and she has to learn to trust you. Her mum should be encouraging this where possible.

Also, at 2 years old she is fairly likely to be starting tantrums etc. Tour plan of doing it like this and that, and then she can sleep in the plane tralalah...is pretty unrealistic. You just need to wait...seriously

The more I think about this, the more I feel for your ex and think you should drop it.

I know it seems like a big deal but really, she's not going to know she's at a wedding and she probably wouldn't enjoy it that much. For a two year old it will be a lot of sitting round being told to be quiet. Being forced to sit in a high chair because everyone is eating, having to be quiet during the speeches. Also it would be very overwhelming with all those people.

Are you prepared to leave the wedding early as she will be going to bed? Wouldn't you enjoy it more if you could have a drink and let your hair down and stay up late with the party.

I think that you'd be WAY better off organising for her to see your family at another more child friendly time. More enjoyable for all of you and will keep relations with Mum sweet.

Yeah, time enough to meet your family when she's 15.

Back off!

I'm sorry OP, but YABU. I would not want to be separated from my child at that age overseas, esp when you don't have established overnight contact. At the moment if my DH and I want a night away we have to put her to bed as normal, and sneak out while my parents or inlaws stay over. Because she will not settle anywhere other than home.

Have you thought that you will not be able to enjoy your DM's wedding in the same way as if you didn't have your DD with you? Chances are she will be pretty nifty on her feet and spend the entire time running around, want to play etc. My DD is 20 months old. Visiting family/going out for something to eat can be really trying. She is on the go none stop and doesn't care if you are trying to have a conversation or something to eat.

Have you also considered you will need to be sober the entire time? One or two might be ok be you need to keep your wits about you.

Forcing seperation on a child for such a long period of time is not right IMO. All for a wedding? I think you are being a bit selfish and looking at how you will deal with looking after your DD through rose tinted specs. The best solution for both is for your ex to come along too and stay in the hotel, providing your ex is happy to do so

AF thing a relationship with her dads family would be a fantastic thing. Attending wedding of granny who has only been to see her twice in her life, doesn't constitute a relationship

It's in over a years time. You currently only see her with her mother in the room. Why are you raising it now?

isiolo - you've summed this up perfectly.

My daughter is nearly 3 and I am NOT an apron strings mum, and she is vey independent, but there is no way this would extend to leaving me for that amount of time. There is also the matter of routines, which you seem to be ignoring.

I'm afraid if the MIL has made it clear that the mum is not liked/invited, then why would she think it is OK to have the child?? Fast forward 18 years,where the child can make her own decisions... I know I wouldn't have been interested in spending time with ANYONE who hated my mother. We are 42 and 72 now and I still feel the same!

Time for your mother to realise that she can't have the one, without being nicer to the other. And shame on you for not realising this. Unless your ex is an unfit mother ( and this doesn't sound the case) then you have to put your differences aside, and realise that your ex is putting your child's needs first.
As should you.

It is not in the interests of a 2 yo to upset their homelife, routine and everything they know and feel secure about, and be without their main carer ( mother, in this case) to attend a bloody wedding.

This is for your mother's "needs"wants only

"Attending wedding of granny who has only been to see her twice in her life, doesn't constitute a relationship"

Her Granny lives abroad and has been to visit twice in less than a year.

That is a relationship.

And one the child is entitled to have cultivated.

Poor fucker is in a total double bind.

Mother won't leave the room when he is there so he has no normal relationship with his baby.

And then that is used to argue for him not being allowed to spend time with her.

Poor kid too.

Separation anxiety my arse.

Or at least, it's not the baby that has it.

She does leave the room and the baby cries. Hardly a new thing for a child under 12 months.

Well said AThing. I am at some of the hysteria on this thread. FFS, she'll be nearly 2 at the time of the wedding and perfectly capable of being away from her mother for a couple of nights. There are plenty of children who are one year old and who cope just fine with being away from their primary caregiver (hate that phrase) when they go to nursery - providing that parent gives them the support and encouragement they need.

Keep plugging away OP, start building up the time you spend with your DD and hopefully your ex will begin to realise that your DD has 2 parents and for your DD's sake it's better to work together.

Just because a baby cries when you leave the room doesn't mean you never leave the room FFS.

My 10 month old squawks whenever my 5 year old eats an apple.

DD1 still eats apples.

And I don't invent apple anxiety and deny her any relationship with fruit.

Some people put their 12 week old babies into nursery for 12 hours a day. Some people stay at home with their DC. What that child is used to is what matters. And I still don't understand why pushing this a year in advance is appropriate. It's France. You can book a flight the day before. Once the child is regularly staying away overnight it will seem far less of an issue.

She does leave the room.

Crikey - mine cried regularly when I left the room. If I'd stayed and never left they would never have got used to me leaving and then coming back. I would never have gone anywhere without them if I'd stayed in the room whenever they squeaked.

Equally, France is very close. The OP's mother could one and visit pretty easily.

Again, she does leave the room.

Yes, she could visit - but this is about going to France for the wedding. It makes perfect sense for both parents to recognise that in order for this to happen they need to build up to it ie plan in advance.