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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

216 replies

DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:29

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

OP posts:
DoctorRobert · 06/05/2013 16:56

yes op definitely more of an issue 2 hours away in France than in the UK. it's a foreign country, possible language barrier if there was a medical emergency or whatever. harder for me to get to France if suddenly needed. I wouldn't want my husband taking dd abroad without me.

TidyDancer · 06/05/2013 16:57

You need to have done a few overnights by then, not just care alone.

Wishiwasanheiress · 06/05/2013 16:58

I would be uncomfortable yes. I'd probably like to refuse. That said, I'd also probs like a Med holiday and am wondering if I'd bother asking dad if he minded.... Do I really count more....? Interesting conundrum....

On that basis I'm going to go with u, not bu. I'm assuming ur perfect though of course too. No daft f.ups in history. :)

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 16:59

Jacks, I do all nappy changing, feeding, baths, settling for bed during late visits so on, just with mum there to keep her from panicking.
Tidy, I think she would be more relaxed about it if it wasn't to see family.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 06/05/2013 16:59

ou need to have done a few overnights by then, not just care alone.

this you have to do some care of her alone before her mum is content that you can manage

AThingInYourLife · 06/05/2013 16:59

I think your daughter should not miss out on this important family occasion because her mother doesn't want her to go.

There is no good reason why a toddler shouldn't go on holiday with her father.

PattieOfurniture · 06/05/2013 16:59

I agree with 5318008.
You should be having access to your daughter without supervision from your xp, unless there's good reason why she has to be there? Drink? Drugs? Violence?

I think the issue is psychological, the distance is irrelevant, its another country, I think that's the problem.

mrsjay · 06/05/2013 17:00

I wouldn't want my husband taking dd abroad without me.

why not ?

Squitten · 06/05/2013 17:04

Obviously your daughter is not yet ready to cope without her mother if she won't even let her leave the room! However, the wedding is a long time away and she should be well over that by then. My DS2 was a total clingy nightmare around the one year mark so I sympathise!

Perhaps, rather than going in all guns blazing right now, it might be more helpful to work on getting your daughter more comfortable without her Mum so that you are able to look after her independantly. I think once you are taking her overnight or for the weekend, any objections are nonsense.

Fleecyslippers · 06/05/2013 17:05

Your ex doesn't feel comfortable enough to leave you with sole care of your daughter for even a short time ? Why is that ? Before your child was old enough to experience anxiety of any type, how much time have you spent caring for her by yourself ?

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 17:06

Pattie, I would rather try having her alone now, but she has said we need to wait until she is happy with her out of the room, and doesn't expect this to be long (From other toddlers I know, it doesn't seem to last much past 1?)
I think court at this point would be making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill, though I have looked into the process in case it does become necessary.

OP posts:
jacks365 · 06/05/2013 17:09

Can i ask how long you spend with your daughter on these visits?

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 17:09

Fleecy, I haven't had her alone in the earlier stages as she has always been a very clingy baby, and so when she cried my ex would breastfeed her to calm her down. But there have never been any issues, and we get on reasonably well considering.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 17:10

Jacks, usually about 3-4 hours a visit at the moment

OP posts:
piratecat · 06/05/2013 17:12

should have said its next march in your first post. then in that case there is enough time to build a hands on relationship with her. i had to let my three year old go for a week away.
i hated every second of it secretly but she was fine.

Lastofthepodpeople · 06/05/2013 17:13

I think it would be fine. My DS flew to South Africa for a week with my DH when he was 18mo to see family and left me behind. He was fine.

I think the issue is more between you and your ex TBH and the sort of relationship you have.

Original poster
DaddyAndDaughterTime · 06/05/2013 17:13

Oh I thought next year would be taken to mean 2014.
Who was your three year old with?

OP posts:
jacks365 · 06/05/2013 17:13

You need to seriously up that. 6-8 hours a week is not enough for your daughter to really get to know you and feel happy with you

miffybun73 · 06/05/2013 17:14

YANBU if your daughter is used to seeing you overnight alone. Good luck :)

DoctorRobert · 06/05/2013 17:16

mrsjay - because she's only just turned 2 and I would worry too much about it.

edwardsmum11 · 06/05/2013 17:17

Yanbu as you are her father.

SirChenjin · 06/05/2013 17:18

Unless there is a very good reason why you are not allowed to be alone with her I would suggest that you ask for the time you have with your DD to be increased significantly, working towards having her on her own and then over to France.

I was/am a real worrier so can imagine how your ex feels, but just taking it slowly and building up the time you have with your DD might help.

Bobyan · 06/05/2013 17:20

Would I let someone who sees my daughter 6 hours a week take her abroad overnight on their own?
No way.

You need to start seeing her much more regularly and/or for longer periods of time.

Cravingdairy · 06/05/2013 17:21

Mine can be very hard work during big family events so be prepared to miss most of the action if you end up taking yours! By March your ex might be begging you take her away for a week! Seriously it's a long way off, best to keep options open.

mrsjay · 06/05/2013 17:23

mrsjay - because she's only just turned 2 and I would worry too much about it.

It is natural to worry but surely her dad could cope they would be fine on the hypothetical trip honestly Smile

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