To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

[DaddyAndDaughterTime]

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

I think that you've got some work to do before taking your dd to a wedding involving an overnight stay would be appropriate. The thing that would be different about being abroad is that your ex wouldn't be immediately on hand if needed. That would be fine of your dd is used to overnights with you and you should be able to build up to that in the time you've got. But to take her without getting her used to bring away from mum would be unfair to your dd.

I think you need to build up contact, take her to the park etc.

Is she still bfeeding?

Its not unreasonable providing you build up contact, have overnights etc.

Three of mine were still bfeeding at two years, tho did manage the odd overnight/24hrs away from me once they were about two.

Not leaving them.doesnt make them.clingy btw, building up secure attachments and learning to be secure when left with another person ie dad/grandparents etc happens gradually. Obviously in a family witj mum and dad present and both main carers it shouldnt be an issue as long as dad has been hands on, bfeeding can make it trickier. Mine were all fine with dp providing they didnt need to be bfed.

Do you have parental responsibility for your daughter?

You need to up the visits and start taking your daughter out on your own, just a walk to the park or where ever but out of the house and away from mum. My 18 month old cries if she sees me leaving the house but will happily leave it herself with her big sister, location is important to how she behaves.

Though the distance may not be far there are issues involved when you take a child abroad as opposed to the other end of the country which is why legally you need written permission to take her even if it was a day trip.

The fact mum won't let you have any lone time does make me wonder if there are issues you are not saying, i encouraged my dd's father to have one on one time from the word go i felt it was important for our daughter.

Take her out in the pushchair for a walk, she could be perfectly fine out and about with you.

Does she not leave her with alone in the room with anyone? I can't see that being healthy. Sometimes little ones cry, mine sometimes cry when I leave the room, sometimes when their dad does. It doesn't last long and I can't be in the room with them at all times and their dad needs to work.

Maybe up the hours you are visiting then suggest going out for a walk.

You are the child's father and should have every right to take her to a family wedding if you wish to do so. Just don't take no for an answer and take to court if necessary.

With the distraction thing too, I'm not sure if its because mum's still in the room, or because of daughters personality/age or just what I'm doing, but she doesn't seem to get distracted once she's upset, she seems to very much know what she wants and scream until I hand her to mum/she gets the toy she's crying for so on depending on what started the crying.
Is there some sort of distraction technique I'm missing, or is she just very stubborn?
Sorry this is really going off topic here

Fwiw, I still wouldn't want to have my nearly two year old dd away from me overnight, but in your ex's situation she really has to work towards that. I didn't want to go back to work when my first dd was eight months old, but I knew it was coming and spent time getting dd used to it, however much I didn't like the idea. I did do it gradually though, over a period of four months and by the time I went back, dd was fine to be left. Yours will too if both you and your ex p can work together on it.

She should be fine as long as you have plenty of access alone with her beforehand.

Well that's the kind of thing you learn from hours and hours at the coal face! And what works one say might not work the next... How well do you and your ex get on? Could you start spending more time in her house at weekends etc so you get to see your dd's daily routine etc? Picking up on tired/hungry/bored cues etc is a big part of it.

Your mother has seen her twice in 11 months. I really, really, really do get why your Ex is not keen on the whole idea.
That said, if you have the opportunity to build up contact sooner rather than later without any distress to the baby and without stressing her mum out anymore, then that's the best way forward.

I'd suggest the shortest trips out possible. Even a walk to the shop to get a pint of milk etc.

You are the child's father and should have every right to take her to a family wedding if you wish to do so.

Erm, no, actually. Parents don't have any rights. It's the children that have rights. And in this case the question is what is in the best interest of the child. NOT does granny want to have her at her wedding abroad.

11 months is tiny to be without mum for several hours, especially if still breastfeeding.

And taking her to the park to feed the ducks is not the same as going abroad. No way would I let DD do that without me at that age, or even at 2. She wouldn't want to either.

I think the best solution would be to all go to France and then the OP can take DD to the wedding.

She may well be very stubborn op, she's heading for toddlerhood! Of course she's old enough to be taken out for short times. She probably won't like it to start with as she's not used to it but as long as you keep the outings short to start with she'll soon realize mummy is still there.
Distraction works best if you catch them at the start of a meltdown.
I think you need to mention to ex that as long as she is always there to scoop her up the minute she cries she's always going to expect that and it's only delaying the day that she'll be happy to be comforted by you.

I know lots of people have said that the clingy ness isn't going to get better unless you try to have time without mum but can I just add that removing the source of clingy ness ( ie mum) before the baby is ready will only make things worse and probably more clingy in the future!
Far better to build up to time alone gradually at baby's pace.

Being the biological parent of a child absolutely does not give you the automatic right to do with them as you please!

FFS

OP that's not aimed at you.

She is still breastfed, but I don't think ex is planning to continue into her being a toddler, she has been complaining about her scratching when she feeds.
jacks I have parental responsibility. There are no 'issues', daughter was in NICU and special care ward for the first month so I don't think that has helped with ex not wanting to leave her, but there is no actual issues other than daughters separation anxiety.

The thing is, there are so many threads where babies are expected to become independent from their mums earlier because the parents are separated and the dad wants access.

It's bullshit in my opinion. It's a fact that if you don't live with your baby every day, you won't have the same relationship when they are so young than someone who lives with their child full-time. Trying to artificially push contact when the child is not ready is just cruel. I'm not saying the relationship will never be good. It should just be allowed to take longer. It's normal.

Yanbu at all, you are her father and should be able to take her out of te country. I would spend the time having unsupervised access to your dd get to know her. Thereare no reasons really why they are supervised

Okay - going back to basics with distraction techniques. IME, you need to dive in as soon as there is a hint of a wobbly lip. Do you find it easy to 'let loose' and act in a silly manner? Distraction at this age involves making silly noises, silly faces, dashing to the window to see the 'bunny rabbit' or the doggie. Does that type of thing come easily to you ?

It's a fact that if you don't live with your baby every day, you won't have the same relationship when they are so young than someone who lives with their child full-time.

Yes, and frankly even a father that lives at home and has some contact every day will not always have the same relationship with their child than the main carer.

None of my DCs at nearly 2 would have coped well with going abroad with just my XH to see extended family they were unfamiliar with. And he lived in the same house!

I think time is the issue here. The problems here are the age of the child and the distance/time the OP wants to be away. If it were a year further on, or less distance away, things would be so much less fraught.

Being in special care and nicu for a month or so is an issue and will affect how mum sees thing. Pnd could also be an issue but your daughter is now 11 months, have you never had any time alone with her, she wouldn't have been clingy at say 3 months.

Really agree with Mrs Huxtable. In the nicest possible way, you are not an equal parent. You see her for 6 hours a week. Of course your dd is going to see her mother as her main source of comfort. By all means build up visits etc, but I don't think any parent in this situation, mother or father, should have a god given right to insist on something like this by virtue of genetics.

Incidentally, I was still bfing at 2yo, but the dc would easily have managed without for 24hours.

Was she premature OP ?

"11 months is tiny to be without mum for several hours, especially if still breastfeeding."

No, it really isn't.

"Erm, no, actually. Parents don't have any rights. It's the children that have rights. And in this case the question is what is in the best interest of the child."

The child has a right to a parental relationship with her father.

She has a right not to have a normal relationship with her father blocked by a mother who won't even let him take her out for an hour or two.

She has a right to a relationship with her father's side of the family.

And that includes the right to attend important family events.

Both parents should be working towards making sure she doesn't miss her grandmother's wedding next year when she is almost two.

Family gatherings like that are brilliant for toddlers.

She's on the young side for being away from her mother at not quite 2, but the significance of the event means it is worth making the effort to make sure she can be there.

Some of the answers are pretty sick.

"Just take her. Dont take no for an answer."

She is a tiny human being for fucks sake, not a piece of furniture.

The OP maintains a good relationship with the mother. Is one holiday really worth completely scewing that up? "Take her to court."? Really?

The baby is 11 months old, breastfed and spent first month of life in SCBU and probably the mums PFB. Its totallh, completely, 100% understandable that the mother cannot picture her daughter doing as far as over the seas.

OP, from what Ive read you understand her anxiety some what, as you yourself pointed them out.

Please rememeber she will not be doing this to 'be controlling.' Or to piss you off. It'll be becaus of the natural, understandable anxiety she has regarding her daughter. Her baby.

Its whole year away, things change a LOT when the baby becomes a toddler.

You dont sound like a bad person, I think what you are saying is fair, but I think the mothers feelings are 'fairer'.

And I know Im BU, but I have a nearly 2 yo and it wouldnt happen. However, I have a child thats still breast feeding, suffers great anxiety and has very serious health problems so my feelings may be skewed. I would have probably been more ok with it with my first born who was having weekends away with his dad by this age.

Yes, yes, the child has a right to a relationship with her father. Noone says she doesn't have that or won't in the future. Just that it won't be the same as with a live-in parent unless they share residency 50/50.

And a lot of people would not consider being separated from their babies at 11 months, or even 18. The fact that the OP and his ex are not together shouldn't come into it. Because then, the child would have to suffer because the adults have messed up their relationship.

There is way to much talk of what parents should be entitled to.

Who knows. If the OP starts having some time alone with his DD, once she's over her separation anxiety, things might be moving quicker towards alone access than he thinks. But it needs to be at a pace that everyone is happy with.