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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this Reverand is rude?

219 replies

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/04/2013 18:22

Df thinks IABU but I actually feel quite pissed off ATM.
So-we are getting married next year. We want to get married on a Sunday, in a church that is not our parish church but one that has family connections.
I emailed the Reverand to enquire about the date and ask if he would marry us (we were told by the Parish secretary to email not phone/call in). I got a reply the next day, saying that Sundays were 'not the best day for weddings as the clergy are busy and parishioners who need to attend may have family commitments'. He then went on to ask for details of the qualifying connection that would allow us to marry there so that we could discuss it further.
I emailed back later that day with details of the connection (df's grandparents marrying there) and also asked if there was any time of day we could marry on a Sunday that would be less inconvenient and thus allow us to marry on a Sunday.
I waited for a reply for a full week and nothing.
So, I forwarded the email again, and just said I wanted to check he had received it as I had n't yet had a reply.
He sent an email back saying (word for word) 'I have received your email but it is not quite to the top of my list. Regards'.
That was a week ago...and nothing since.

AIBU to think he's being 'off'? It's now been nearly a month since my first email and we're at risk of losing the provisional booking we have for our venue as we still don't know if he will marry us on that date.

Also, where do I go from here? What can I email him now? Just to stress also, I have been impeccably polite in all emails...I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him...so want to move things along but not risk pissing this Reverand off!

Sorry it's long!

OP posts:
DeskPlanner · 25/04/2013 14:35

La, I think that's a bit sad. People who attend church on a regular basis are part on that churches family, they should want to marry there. Not be put off because its not 'pretty'. That's not what a church wedding should be about.

DeskPlanner · 25/04/2013 14:39

Yes, op+, if you do come back, I would be interested to know why a Sunday at all. Aren't people In work the next day ?

LaVolcan · 25/04/2013 15:52

DeskPlanner We don't get many marriages because most of the congregation are getting on a bit. We still get sons and daughters of members marrying there although they have quite often moved away and marry nearer to home.

What I meant was that we don't get the people who have no connection with church but want a pretty building.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/04/2013 16:31

Bue - do you realise that the vicar's reasons for not wanting to marry the OP on a Sunday might include the fact that it is already his busiest day of the week? He might have several services that day, either in that church or in several churches, if he serves more than one parish, as many do, and might not want to cram a wedding into the middle of all that, and do a rushed service for the OP and her groom. And he might want to have a little bit of time to himself to - oh, I don't know - eat lunch or spend a bit of time with his family.

You are right that there is no hard and fast rule that people cannot be married on a Sunday - but there are a lot of very good reasons why it only happens rarely - and then only with the vicar's cooperation and agreement!

The OP has clearly not bothered to book the church (which should be the most important part of the whole day), or even check that she could get married on the day she wanted, before going ahead and booking the reception venue. That was not a sensible thing to do, and it has come back to bite her on the bum. That's not the vicar's fault.

DeskPlanner · 25/04/2013 17:34

Ah. sorry La, I understand you now.

phantomnamechanger · 25/04/2013 18:04

child of a vicar here - well said revness and others with similar arguements/reasonings

I love this sentence too -
However, despite the myth, vicars do not only work on Sundays, and they are neither superhuman nor superheroes, you're mistaking us for Jesus himself

.....the number of times i was asked by schoolfriends, "so what does your dad do for a real job, you know, apart from on Sundays"

hahahahahaha!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 25/04/2013 18:26

This is quite funny.

I think your ignorance has annoyed him.

givemeaclue · 25/04/2013 18:41

Do you have an alternative op? Think you need to go with plan b.

Also wouldn't have the wedding on a Sunday

AnnaBegins · 25/04/2013 19:19

YABU. In my last church, the vicar was in charge of 7 parishes. Yes 7. So you can imagine how busy Sundays were.

FWIW, we got married in a church outside of our parish, but it was my regular place of worship and where I'd grown up. It still went to discussion within the PCC though as we were out of parish.

Maybe if you were regular worshippers at the church you want to be married in then the vicar would be more inclined to accommodate you, and you would also know what he's like and whether he has a tendency to be short in emails/really busy at certain times.

Still wouldn't expect a Sunday wedding though!

Also, a wedding a month is seriously busy! My old church planned for 7-8 a year! And that was the largest, prettiest church in the group of 7 so the most popular.

LadyMountbatten · 25/04/2013 19:20

just to say its a VICAR and his title is ReverEND

that is all

bows and exits

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 25/04/2013 19:30

I don't know if you mean to OP but you sound very entitled and a bit spoilt.

I think you need to have a good chat with your df. Is that fiance or dad? If he thinks YABU then it's not boding well already. Think of the marriage more than one day.

greenformica · 25/04/2013 19:35

I don't think he was rude. My relative is a Reverend and Sundays are taken up with services/church work with only an hour to eat lunch.

Email again and apologise for pestering him but explain that you are worried you might loose your provisional booking and wondered if he could confirm if the date can go ahead.

LadyMountbatten · 25/04/2013 19:58

ITS A VICAR OR PRIEST A REVEREND IS NOT A JOB

serin · 25/04/2013 19:59

I was married on a Sunday as the Church I had attended from birth (and pretty much every single week thereafter) was already booked on Saturdays for months and months in advance.

I am Catholic and the priest actually suggested the Sunday to us. He knew how much we wanted God to be a focus in our celebration.

Anthracite · 25/04/2013 20:03

Reverend is what you put on the outside of an envelope. We should be talking about the vicar or rector.

Whether the vicar agrees to a particular wedding or not is his sole decision. It is not a matter for the PCC.

UptheChimney · 25/04/2013 20:30

may be he has leave booked

Hmm on a Sunday? a priest? Grin

idiot55 · 25/04/2013 21:40

he was rude.

He should have said, somehting like, sorry I wouldnt consider a weding on a sunday.........

very rude.

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2013 22:02

It's not your parish church; and he doesn't want to do a Sunday wedding.
Move on, fgs, and don't be any more pushy than you have been already.

ReallyTired · 25/04/2013 22:11

Are you sure that you actually have a qualifying connection? Being the grandchild of someone who worshipped at a church is not ususally enough.

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