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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this Reverand is rude?

219 replies

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/04/2013 18:22

Df thinks IABU but I actually feel quite pissed off ATM.
So-we are getting married next year. We want to get married on a Sunday, in a church that is not our parish church but one that has family connections.
I emailed the Reverand to enquire about the date and ask if he would marry us (we were told by the Parish secretary to email not phone/call in). I got a reply the next day, saying that Sundays were 'not the best day for weddings as the clergy are busy and parishioners who need to attend may have family commitments'. He then went on to ask for details of the qualifying connection that would allow us to marry there so that we could discuss it further.
I emailed back later that day with details of the connection (df's grandparents marrying there) and also asked if there was any time of day we could marry on a Sunday that would be less inconvenient and thus allow us to marry on a Sunday.
I waited for a reply for a full week and nothing.
So, I forwarded the email again, and just said I wanted to check he had received it as I had n't yet had a reply.
He sent an email back saying (word for word) 'I have received your email but it is not quite to the top of my list. Regards'.
That was a week ago...and nothing since.

AIBU to think he's being 'off'? It's now been nearly a month since my first email and we're at risk of losing the provisional booking we have for our venue as we still don't know if he will marry us on that date.

Also, where do I go from here? What can I email him now? Just to stress also, I have been impeccably polite in all emails...I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him...so want to move things along but not risk pissing this Reverand off!

Sorry it's long!

OP posts:

TallGiraffe · 23/04/2013 21:44

As a ward of caution - The Church in Wales is not the same as the Church of England, people can feel quite strongly about that kind of thing

Skellig · 23/04/2013 21:44

As former actors, my dh and I wanted to get married on a Sunday, as many of our friends in the business were possibly unable to make a Saturday due to shows. However, we also wanted to get married in the local church we attend as practising Catholics, and a Sunday wedding just wouldn't have been possible as it is the church's busiest day. It was a no-brainer for us, to be honest. If getting married in church is important to you, then you arrange the rest of your day around that - not the other way round. Everything else is just icing on the wedding cake!

Original poster

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/04/2013 21:45

The church is VERY quiet...barely a marriage a month. So I doubt he'd think we were trying our luck for no reason. It's very , very far out of the way and quite a pita to get to!

OP posts:

Longdistance · 23/04/2013 21:47

'Sundays are mot the best days for weddings' in other words 'NO'
If you are a regular church goer you would know this.
During several masses that are held on Sundays, and baptisms after, there is little time to fit in a wedding on a Sunday.
I think you should rethink your day, and church.

Original poster

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/04/2013 21:47

What do you mean tallgiraffe? Was that to me?

OP posts:

Mrmonkey · 23/04/2013 21:47

"My main reason for being annoyed is the fact that he replied to my most recent email almost immediately... Saying that the email I sent before that was not at the top of his list... How is that even possible?"

Sorry do you think you should be his priority or have I misunderstood??

Longdistance · 23/04/2013 21:49

X post.
Try a different church, as it's now caused a problem with you, and not a good start to proceeding iygwim.

soverylucky · 23/04/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treesntrees · 23/04/2013 21:49

many CofE Parish Priests have more than Parish to look after and if you were a regular Church attender you would know they have quite a heavy work load. It really pees me off when people want to get married in Church when they don't attend and have no intention of attending.

Greatdomestic · 23/04/2013 21:51

OP, I don't doubt you are not the top of his list. These guys are busy!!

I got married on a Sunday (Scotland) and we were the second of 2 weddings that afternoon. The minister had fitted in 2 morning services prior to the weddings and apolgised he could not come to our venue for meal etc but he had another blessing to go to that evening - as well as th evening service to do.

If your DPs family have all the connections as advised on your last post, why doesn't he contact the rev?

Original poster

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/04/2013 21:53

I love how the psychic ones always materialise! How do you know pp, that I am not a regular churchgoer?!

OP posts:

clam · 23/04/2013 21:54

Why did you not put in all the spiel about your df's childhood/grandparents/parish functions/benches etc in the original email? That might have got a different response.

FriendlyLadybird · 23/04/2013 21:54

I interpret the bit about Sundays not being the best day as code for "Please don't ask me to marry you on a Sunday." He didn't say "no" directly but imo his meaning was pretty clear.
You then emailed him back, clearly not having taken the hint, badgering him about marrying on Sunday.
So, yes, I think he probably was being a bit passive-aggressive rude. But he's not providing a service and he doesn't have to be polite. He almost certainly considered you rude.
So, what to do? You could ask if he would be willing to marry you on a Saturday or other day convenient to him. Or you could drop it and approach another church or a registry office.

soverylucky · 23/04/2013 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/04/2013 21:56

Mr monkey...no, what I meant is, how is it possible that he can 't reply to my email as I'm not at the top of the list...when he tells me this in reply to an email that was sent AFTER the original that I was chasing up?

OP posts:

soverylucky · 23/04/2013 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 23/04/2013 21:58

I've no idea about your church-going habits. But if you are a regular member of your local parish, I'd have thought you'd want to have your wedding in that church, supported by the wider church community. The flower committee would put in that little bit extra love in their arrangements, the choir might rustle up a good turn-out on the day and the organist might practise unusual hymns a little harder.

Sirzy · 23/04/2013 21:59

It takes 2 seconds to type the response he sent. It takes much longer to check the eligibility stuff and start to find suitable times/dates etc.

Some people seem to have this idea that Vicars do one service on a Sunday, the odd christening/wedding/funeral and thats it when infact they are very busy dealing with a whole host of other things so no your wedding probably isn't top of his list of priorities.

Like I suggested before why not go to a service and talk to him at the end?

elliejjtiny · 23/04/2013 21:59

I'm a chapel caretaker and if you'd asked to have your wedding here with your connections you'd have been told no. No chance of anyone getting married there on a Sunday unless in very exceptional circumstances.

FairPhyllis · 23/04/2013 22:02

I don't think he has given you a definitive 'no' to the date, but he might need to think about it, especially if it is a long way off and he needs to know e.g. if he or church helpers are taking holiday then, or if there are going to be any other events around that time the church/he will be needed for. It's probably not likely though, and he's probably thinking that you don't sound as if you are particularly clued up on how church communities normally run. So he is able to fire off a quick email, but a definite answer - which is what you seem to expect - is going to have to wait until he can talk to some people/sort out the church calendar.

I think it's important to remember that vicars aren't consumer-oriented event planners. You're asking a community that you're not part of to do something unusual in order to fit around you - you need to be a bit more patient here if you want to get anywhere.

Egusta · 23/04/2013 22:06

Barely a marriage a month does not a quiet church make, though OP.

We have about 7 marriages a year, usually in the 'wedding season' and never on a Sunday- but we are a pretty busy church, with lots of other things going on. and our vicar serves 3 parishes

Egusta · 23/04/2013 22:09

oh, and I a PCC member and the treasurer so I do know a bit about how busy we are.

and as someone said upthread... most churches (CofE anyway) are relying on volunteer help. It is a big committment.

interalia · 23/04/2013 22:10

Bit of advice for the next church you try (as I say, I think this one may be a no-go, even just for the fact that you are now a bit miffed with this vicar so it might feel a bit odd being married by him iyswim) - I would email asking if you can have a chat with them about a possible wedding and try to book a time for a conversation with you and your fiance. Even better would be to go to a service then talk to the vicar at the end.

I think actually you do have a fairly strong connection, as your fiance worshipped there, but you have to understand that it's completely up to him who he does and doesn't marry.

saintlyjimjams · 23/04/2013 22:11

Word of warning - if you're not marrying in your local church as well as your vicar's support you also need to get a special licence. I had to be interviewed at Westminster for this & explain my reasons for wanting to marry there (childhood church, still had links with the village, used to be in the choir, was living in temporary accom in London so that church was more of a home church). I was still asked when I last attended the church (by a stroke of luck had been the previous week) & we were given the licence. An old school friend applied by post & was turned down (although tbh her links at the time were probably stronger than ours as she still lived nearby). So even if you get the vicar inside you will have to think about the rest.

And I would think a Sunday will be near impossible.

TallGiraffe · 23/04/2013 22:13

Well you mentioned that it was a Cof E church, then said you were in Wales. Thought I'd try and be useful, see here for a better explanation. Sometimes something like that can be a sore point, a bit like referring to a die-hard Glaswegan as English or a Dutch person as German

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