To think that this Reverand is rude?

[PrettyKitty1986]

Df thinks IABU but I actually feel quite pissed off ATM.
So-we are getting married next year. We want to get married on a Sunday, in a church that is not our parish church but one that has family connections.
I emailed the Reverand to enquire about the date and ask if he would marry us (we were told by the Parish secretary to email not phone/call in). I got a reply the next day, saying that Sundays were 'not the best day for weddings as the clergy are busy and parishioners who need to attend may have family commitments'. He then went on to ask for details of the qualifying connection that would allow us to marry there so that we could discuss it further.
I emailed back later that day with details of the connection (df's grandparents marrying there) and also asked if there was any time of day we could marry on a Sunday that would be less inconvenient and thus allow us to marry on a Sunday.
I waited for a reply for a full week and nothing.
So, I forwarded the email again, and just said I wanted to check he had received it as I had n't yet had a reply.
He sent an email back saying (word for word) 'I have received your email but it is not quite to the top of my list. Regards'.
That was a week ago...and nothing since.

AIBU to think he's being 'off'? It's now been nearly a month since my first email and we're at risk of losing the provisional booking we have for our venue as we still don't know if he will marry us on that date.

Also, where do I go from here? What can I email him now? Just to stress also, I have been impeccably polite in all emails...I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him...so want to move things along but not risk pissing this Reverand off!

Sorry it's long!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I don't think he was rude. He told you why Sundays might not work. Realistically, he may well not know until quite near the time whether or not a particular Sunday would be busy or not - which is why he can't answer you one way or another yet.

As he said in the first place, he may have other committments. This is partly a euphemism for 'I may have to do a funeral', I'm afraid. It is not uncommon for funerals to happen on Sundays.

I got married in a C of E church on a Sunday, because my vicar is lovely and squeezed me in at the last minute when someone else had let us down badly - this is how I know that quite often they keep sunday relatively free, because in addition to the usual services, you can't exactly book a funeral far in advance.

[PoppadomPreach]

Sorry I think you have come across as pushy and treating the church as some kind of commercial establishment that should fit it with your plans.

Though I can see how his email was rude, and I can understand why he wrote it.

Also, your "link" to the church is very tenuous.

I'd think about somewhere else.

[edwardsmum11]

They do sunday weddings at my c of e church.

[sue52]

I don't think you were "impecably polite", your email came across as pushy and rude.

[Bunbaker]

Nowadays most vicars do services at more than one church. Our current one does an early service at one, dashes off for a later service at another, then in the evening does an evensong at the church that had the early service. She wouldn't have much time to fit a wedding in as well. The vicar at our last church was in charge of four churches.

Although there is no reason why you can't marry on a Sunday don't you realise that Sunday is the busiest day of the week for vicars?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I don't think he was being rude. He told you in his first email that Sunday was no good and asked you for your family connection presumably if you wanted to see if any other day was possible. I'm not sure why you didn't get the hint the first time that Sunday was a no go?

[Peevish]

You are being very unreasonable, or at least have failed to research how churches/parishes work. Are you even technically a member of the religious faith in question?

You don't say which this church belongs to, but I am a Catholic, and not only would the parish in which I grew up not marry anyone on a Sunday due to there being too many services already happening, at least one of the couple would need to be a communicating Catholic, and if neither of the couple was a member of the parish, they would need a letter from their own parish priest to say they were actually members of his congregation, and explain why they weren't marrying in their own parish church. And do a mandatory pre-marriage course.

It's not like booking a reception venue because you like the look of it, you know. Your link is very tenuous, and your re-sent email probably struck this man as rude and obtuse.

[gordyslovesheep]

what does the vicar of the church you go to now suggest?

Sundays are not the usual day for weddings, you do understand why churches get busy then I hope!

[Toadinthehole]

OK, I'm found in church every Sunday morning (CofE before I emigrated, local Anglican since then).

Sunday is the day for holy communion, and that takes priority. Baptisms also take place on a Sunday, BUT 1. they only extend the service by about ten minutes 2. don't tend to result in the service being taken over by unfamiliar people in large hats and hired suits, professional photographers bossing people on the steps, or making the parishioners feel odd about having a cup of tea in their own church hall after the service because wedding guests are looking sidelong at them for even being there and 3. aren't a lot of extra work for the vicar.

I have been to one or two Sunday weddings, but they were for people who not only lived in the parish but were regular attendees too, so the weddings were very much parish events. I'm afraid what you want to do is essentially take over the Sunday service and I think quite a few regulars in the church would rightly object to that (pun intentional).

Also, if you require assistance from the Church, the place you should start at is the church in the parish where you live. I don't think the connection you describe is really of any importance.

I think the vicar might have taken a couple of minutes to reply to you, but I'm afraid I agree with others here who say that you're being a BU about this one.

[DoJo]

YABU - for all the reasons above and for not listening to your fiance when he pointed it out to you first. If it's his family, why isn't he making the arrangements? Also, I would have thought a phone call would be a better way to introduce the request rather than an e-mail as you are essentially asking a massive favour which is always better done in person.

[Wishiwasanheiress]

In defence of op Sundays at sit down meal type venues are usually a good 10% cheaper if not more - presume that's reason for Sunday wedding.

Vicars don't do corporate politeness. Most are pleasant but slightly odd. Am amazed he emails btw. Good luck but I'm not sure ur getting there. One more polite shot then I'd give it up. Offer donation?

[clam]

Why can't you get married in the local church you worship in?

I would hazard a guess that this vicar is probably hacked off that you appear to have picked his church as a chocolate box venue for a wedding, that he feels that the important part (the wedding vows in front of God) are taking second place in your priorities to the reception venue and that he doesn't agree that the fact that your df's grandparents got married there decade ago is a "family link.

And then there's the fact that you've picked a Sunday. I'm surprised that there are people on this thread who say they've been to Sunday weddings. I have never, in all my years as a confirmed member of the C of E, attended or even come across one. It might be that the vicar feels you've shown your lack of church awareness by requesting one.

Give up the idea, and try for a secular civic ceremony.

[apostropheuse]

It is definitely not the norm to allow weddings in a Catholic church on Sundays. It would be the exception to the rule.

[Wishiwasanheiress]

They do occur. Been to several. That's by no means to imply either usual or that the couple didn't jump hoops of fire to get it. Just coz some haven't seen them doesn't mean they don't happen. (Long day and English appalling sorry)

I think ops done a runner, only off the thread one hopes....!

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

Why not have a civil wedding ceremony and arrange a blessing at this church some other time?

[FairPhyllis]

YABVVVVVU. You can marry on a Sunday in an Anglican church but it is unusual to do so. This is because many churches have 3+ services on a Sunday and it is difficult to set up for a service, dismantle everything and set up for a wedding, get rid of all the wedding guests and then dismantle and set up for another service. Plus weddings can only take place within certain hours, so there are time constraints.

The logistics of setting up weddings and services are usually done by unpaid lay people who often have other commitments, particularly on a Sunday. You may not know it, but you would be relying on the goodwill of strangers to be able to do this.

You do have a qualifying connection to the church under the new rules but you can't just pick a date and assume it will be OK. It's always subject to finding a date that is mutually OK and confirming the connection. If you were a regular at the church they would probably be pleased to accommodate you but as they don't know you, you are going to be low down on their priority list, especially now you have sent those emails. You shouldn't have booked a venue until you had a date confirmed.

Vicars also spend a lot of time giving pastoral care to people who are housebound, elderly, very ill, bereaved or who are going through fairly harrowing personal circumstances. This diagram may help. My money is on you having caught him at a really bad time, like after having to do a child's funeral or something.

It's also possible if it is a very pretty/impressive church that they are inundated with requests to marry there from people they don't know and it takes a while to get round to them.

[FairPhyllis]

Oh yes, email isn't ime the best way to contact a vicar - it would have been better to phone the parish office and set up a meeting.

[clam]

Yep, think fairPhyllis has covered all the bases there.

[clam]

OP: "I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him"
But you said your df thinks you're being unreasonable? So, it can't be that special to him if he thinks you should let it go.

[FairPhyllis]

A friend's mother used to be a vicar in a well-known church, and used to get swamped with requests from people from out of the parish who wanted to marry there because it was very beautiful and on the telly and all that. That was before the rule change, so God knows what it is like now.

[DeskPlanner]

OP are you coming back ?

Why do you want to marry in this church rather than your own church ?

Why a Sunday ?

For the record, my CofE vicar offered me a Sunday wedding, despite having 3 services on a Sunday. But she is rather wonderful.

[interalia]

I agree with everyone else, sorry.

Is this church particularly pretty? If so, he may be used to people hassling to get married there. I know quite a few vicars (don't ask) and they are very sensitive about being 'used' as a cheap, pretty venue for people who don't go to their church and/or are not even Christian.

I think your connection sounds a bit tenuous, tbh, and would not fly with most vicars.

I think you have been given a bit of a rough ride here, but it is certainly true that vicars are very busy, sometimes with pretty heavy stuff. He was a bit abrupt but I think he was just trying to get you to go away, quite untactfully.

I hope you find somewhere nice to get married, but I think it's best to cut your losses on this church.

[PrettyKitty1986]

Thank you for your replies...I had to go out hence the long wait!
To answer a few queries...the connection (df's grandparents marrying there is officially recognised by the Church in Wales). That is the 'official' connection...in addition, df spent most of his childhood there, and attended the church regularly.
His mum and aunts/uncles were all baptised there. His grandfather has a memorial bench in the parish for his services to the community, which df was involved with all through childhood. None of these are official connections...but suffice to say the church is very connected to him and his family.
It is CofE...I was not under the impression that Synday weddings were do unusual as I have been to two Sunday church weddings in the past 2 years.
The reverend did NOT say no. He said it was 'not the best day'...then went on to ask for further details...I do not think it was unreasonable of me to clarify if he was saying no or 'it's a pain but ok'.

My main reason for being annoyed is the fact that he replied to my most recent email almost immediately...saying that the email I sent before that was not at the top of his list...how is that even possible?

[PrettyKitty1986]

Also, as I stated in my op, email is the preferred method of communication for this reverend.

[McBee27]

OP are you in Scotland? I am, and DHand I got married on a Sunday. It was an Episcopalian (sp?) church, and seemed very relaxed about who could marry there; I'm actually catholic, DH is episcopal but didn't attend that particular church. Don't know if that's a Scottish thing, or if we just got lucky!