To think that this Reverand is rude?

[PrettyKitty1986]

Df thinks IABU but I actually feel quite pissed off ATM.
So-we are getting married next year. We want to get married on a Sunday, in a church that is not our parish church but one that has family connections.
I emailed the Reverand to enquire about the date and ask if he would marry us (we were told by the Parish secretary to email not phone/call in). I got a reply the next day, saying that Sundays were 'not the best day for weddings as the clergy are busy and parishioners who need to attend may have family commitments'. He then went on to ask for details of the qualifying connection that would allow us to marry there so that we could discuss it further.
I emailed back later that day with details of the connection (df's grandparents marrying there) and also asked if there was any time of day we could marry on a Sunday that would be less inconvenient and thus allow us to marry on a Sunday.
I waited for a reply for a full week and nothing.
So, I forwarded the email again, and just said I wanted to check he had received it as I had n't yet had a reply.
He sent an email back saying (word for word) 'I have received your email but it is not quite to the top of my list. Regards'.
That was a week ago...and nothing since.

AIBU to think he's being 'off'? It's now been nearly a month since my first email and we're at risk of losing the provisional booking we have for our venue as we still don't know if he will marry us on that date.

Also, where do I go from here? What can I email him now? Just to stress also, I have been impeccably polite in all emails...I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him...so want to move things along but not risk pissing this Reverand off!

Sorry it's long!

[DeskPlanner]

Op, will you come back eventually and let us know what day and the location of your wedding ? Would be interesting to find out. As long as you are church goers, then I think your links to this church are fine, but I don't know much about it. Non church attendees getting married in church because It's pretty or having there children baptized just to get into a church school does massively annoy me though.

[DeskPlanner]

Oh and by the way, I do agree his tone was a bit off. Despite being busy it doesn't take many more seconds to type a polite response.

[ryanboy]

No .But you were rude obtuse and pushy.

[firesidechat]

Another way to qualify for a wedding in a different parish is to attend the Sunday service for 6 months and get to know the vicar and parish. He might be more inclined to marry you then. My daughter and her now husband did this, although for more than the 6 months required. We also went a couple of times, although it was 2 hours travelling from where we live. Mother of the groom did as well.

Might not get a Sunday wedding though. You do know that it's the vicars busiest day of the week?

[Wishiwasanheiress]

Well you will have made several happy by now using 'end' not 'and' for the rev (couldn't resist making it worse there sorry!)....

Sounds like your connections potentially fly in theory then. I do get why you have booked a venue first, either one can be nigh on impossible to get so you do have to do what you can when you can. Have my sympathies there.

I guess you rewrite, don't mention the venue just say the date is very important to the family maybe. He won't like being booked second. Ask if the connection is ok and if there's anything your family can do to help on the day - you may have to find people to dress your church yourself if volunteers cannot. I'd also ask if you could meet as knowing him is important to you. Are you very sure your df is set on this place? I'd give it one more go but eventually it's the Rev's decision. He may ask you to go regularly for a bit. We went to ours for 18mths before our wedding. It was a pretty church etc outside our parish, but where my mother married, we felt it was worth that effort as we had faith so could demonstrate it and our commitment.

Don't discuss if you live together though as that could sink everything if he's traditional!

[Wishiwasanheiress]

We also had to do marriage classes with him, he may want you to ours did.

[firesidechat]

Ignore what I said above. The Church of Wales doesn't seem to have the same 6 months attendance rule for marriage.

[imour]

yanbu that reply was rude .

[StanleyLambchop]

Does it really have to be this church though? I know that there are family links from the past, but why don't you start your own traditions in your own church? I always hankered after a wedding in my lovely childhood church, but once I moved away and started attending our local church at my new home I became part of this new parish, and I love it. I have made friends and become part of the parish community. I found I did not want to be married anywhere else. It would be nice if our children wanted to be married here too as they are very much part of the parish too, but I would not mind if they decide to do something else somewhere else.

I think once you get away from this idea that you have to be married in the ancestral church, you will realise that it actually does not matter that much on the scale of things.

[Flobbadobs]

Many vicars are now 'vicar in charge' of more than one church. My vicar friend is in charge of 3, which means 3 lots of parishioners to deal with -and a dedicated vicar will have an awful lot od bereavements, births, parishioners with problems to deal with- plus 3 or 4 services on a Sunday plus baptisms.
My friend is usually busy from Saturday evening to Sunday evening and depending on the time of year may have special services on top of that.
It was a curt email certainly but he's tried politely to tell you, he probably thins you are incapable of getting the message.
YABU.

[daisydelilah]

We had something similar with our wedding, op - we were getting married in DH's hometown, where he hasn't lived for fifteen years (his ma doesn't travel, so it seemed easiest), so we had to approach a vicar at a church we didn't ever go to. My advice: if you really want to get married at this church you will need to agree to a Saturday, as others have said, and you should visit the church and meet the reverend - just go to a regular Sunday service, then go and say hello to him afterwards and explain who you are. As someone else said, vicars aren't necessarily at their best on email: ours seemed very curt and unhelpful on email, to the point where I wondered whether I wanted her to marry us, but in person she was lovely and I realised she just wasn't very good at emailing. If your heart is set on this church and you're willing to compromise on the day, go and meet him and take it from there. Good luck!

[elinorbellowed]

Agree with everyone else.
Plus: irrespective of church-going, family connections, tradition etc, do you actually believe in God?
If not YABU. It is the height of hypocrisy to get married in a church when you have no faith. And an insult to those that do. I would never marry in a church. How can you make those vows in

[revness]

A friend forwarded this to me as I am both a mum and vicar! If you live in the parish or having a qualifying connection with the parish you have a right to be married in the parish church. You do not have a right to dictate the date or time.

It is rather frustrating when couples book everything up before the church and then expect the vicar to fall into place with their plans, it does feel as if the party is more important than the actual wedding in some cases.

I love weddings and have a very open policy. I put a lot of work into weddings and also the marriage preparation course which is crucial, even if you have been living together for a while and already have children, maybe even more so, especially if you have been married before. You wouldn't drive a car without taking lessons after all!

Sundays are not a good day for weddings. My normal Sunday begins with an 8am service (but obviously I have to be there earlier), followed by a 9.30am service and an 11am service. Sometimes there is a baptism at 12.30. Sometimes there is a course for people training to be worship leaders from 2-5. Then at 7pm it's youth group. I have 7 churches to look after with 1 other minister. I'm not sure where in that day I could fit in a wedding, and even if I could I wouldn't have the energy or focus to do it well. It takes a lot of energy to carry a couple through their wedding vows and ensure that they and everyone else in the wedding party feel at ease. At some point in the day I also need to eat, and it would be nice to see my 5 year old and 7 year old, maybe even my husband, cat, chickens.

Of course a wedding isn't all about the vicar. You also need an organist and a verger, bellringers etc. These people are all volunteers who may already have been involved in several services that day and would also like to see their family.

Communication doesn't seem to have worked particularly well in your situation and I am sorry for that. However, despite the myth, vicars do not only work on Sundays, and they are neither superhuman nor superheroes, you're mistaking us for Jesus himself. I currently have 4 difficult and complicated funerals that I'm dealing with, a host of annual church meetings, 4 schools which I am involved with in different ways, and this year seems to be a big year for weddings - the season is just kicking off! As well as all this there are the 'invisible' elements of the job, which sadly involve dealing with a lot of grumbling and complaints from time to time.

I've joined this conversation late, so don't know when you originally contacted the vicar, but please do also bear in mind that Easter is an extraordinarily busy time and clergy are exhausted by the time Easter Sunday comes. It may have been a case of bad timing. I do hope that you are able to resolve this issue and enjoy preparing for your wedding day and life together. I pray that God will bless you with much love and laughter in your home and the strength to support each other in the tough times. But please do be gentle with your vicar and consider a different day of the week - it doesn't have to be Saturday, but Sundays really aren't good.

[elinorbellowed]

Agree with everyone else about the vicar trying to give you the brush-off.
Plus: irrespective of church-going, family connections, tradition etc, do you actually believe in God?
If not YABU. It is the height of hypocrisy to get married in a church when you have no faith. And an insult to those that do. I would never marry in a church. How can you make those vows "in the sight of God" when you don't believe in him?
Don't know where you are in Wales, but Manorbier Castle is the most amazing venue for a wedding.

[wreckedone]

The CofE do do Sunday weddings-ours was on a Sunday because the priest was doing a wedding in Winchester the day before. But YABU-I presume you've chosen this church because it's pretty, and the 'family connection' is tentative at best. Get married on Saturday or choose somewhere else.

[Lottashakingoinon]

Well OP if your Rev was rude (I don't think he was, just exasperated!) then I think revness has made up for it in spades!

[thermalsinapril]

YABU.

I've never heard of a church wedding on a Sunday. Churches and vicars do other things on Sundays!

You're sounding rather entitled TBH.

[wreckedone]

elinorbellowed and revness well said.

[Bringmewineandcake]

C of E churches do do weddings on a Sunday, I had mine 4 years ago now. Also was the church in the village I grew up in but had moved away from, although my mum and dad still live there so family connection was still strong.

No more emails, OP. The only way you can improve this now is go along to the service, introduce yourself and apologise (whether you mean it or not) and say you didn't mean to come across as pushy and could you all please start again?

I don't think y-were-bu but I think the situation may now be out of your hands. Good luck.

[RevPhyl]

Hi, I too am a vicar and a Mum. I am very sorry that the communication has not been as great and prompt as you hoped. In our "home" church, we refuse all Sunday weddings - a decision made by the lay leaders long before I arrived. The Church council may have set in place guidelines to protect the clergy (who do not personally received any of the fee for weddings) and for the volunteers eg organist and vergers, who help the occasion happen. They get a small fee.
If your heart is set on that church building, I suggest that you visit the vicar in person. Bring all your qualifying papers with you. The 6 months attendance is good too - we suggest "more than once a month but not necessarily every sunday". As having been a guest at a bank holiday Monday wedding - similar situation to a Sunday wedding - it was not great as all the guests disappeared off immediately at the end of the meal for work the next day, most not even waiting for the first dance - so the evening reception was a disaster. All the best in your wedding and marriage.

[chansondumatin]

I agree wtih the posts above, I've been to a Sunday wedding (civil ceremony) and to be honest the latter half of the reception fell a bit flat, as everyone was thinking about work the next day. Saturdays are much better IMO.

We had to get married in a different church from the one we'd planned (same parish), as our 'home' church had a big festival on the only Saturday that our reception venue was available. We still had a fantastic day, and it didn't matter anything like as much as I'd feared it would when I was in full-on bridezilla planning mode. So I would keep an open mind and think about a Plan B. In fact our Plan B church turned out to be a better bet for us; it was smaller and we only had 60 guests.

You may also want to pick your battles with the vicar, as you could well have more differences of opinion when it comes to the planning of the actual service (I was amazed how much begging it took to be allowed three hymns instead of two...). Go along to some services (or his 'office hour' if he has one) and say hello in person. It'll be much easier to work things out if you can build some kind of relationship based on face to face contact.

[fedupwithdeployment]

Great to get the input from the vicars above. My MIL is a retired vicar and i am sure she would be in total agreement with them. We never visited her on a "working" Sunday as she was far too busy dealing with matters various.

I too add the point about whether the Sunday is a sensible day anyway. To be honest, if someone invited me (London) to a wedding in Wales I would be delighted IF it was on a Saturday. It would be a great reason to get out into the country, see friends, have fun and a weekend away. If it was on the Sunday, we would probably leave on Sat am, spend the day waiting for the wedding. then on the Sunday I woudl be thinking about what time we needed to get away to avoid London traffic...if it was a child free wedding we would want to get home to see the children, if children were coming, I would want to get them home in time for bed before school the next day. Enjoying the wedding and reception would not be high up the list - they would be squeezed into the practical arrangements.

Fwiw, friends of ours recently had a short wedding blessing in a Cof E church on Sunday recently. It took half an hour and there were about 20 people there. The vicar was happy with it (I assume!) and it worked for the guests as we had all had a lovely weekend together...following the service, we said goodbye and went home. No reception happened. You haven't said what your plans are, but I don't imagine that they will be similar to this.

I think it is great that vicars don't do Sunday weddings!

NB re the OP, I don't think the communication was great - but that goes for both you and the vicar.

[Exhaustipated]

Great post revness :)

[Hopeforever]

Another vicarage family here!

Most has already been said, but I think it's worth noting that a Rev who has a small village church is likely to have many churches and no administrative help with emails (massive generalisation, but larger city churches are more likely to have someone else to do paperwork etc)

He is likely getting between 20 and 100 emails a day at this time of year when there is an annual meeting in every church that needs vast amounts of preparation and paperwork. To find your first email is harder than just asking you to wait your turn. Agreed he could have said it better!

But mostly I wanted to say, that church attendance in the UK is rising, not falling.

www.christianpost.com/news/have-uk-churches-found-the-secret-to-higher-attendance-66418/

[DeskPlanner]

Good post Rev.
Op, do let us know the outcome. Good luck !