To think that this Reverand is rude?

[PrettyKitty1986]

Df thinks IABU but I actually feel quite pissed off ATM.
So-we are getting married next year. We want to get married on a Sunday, in a church that is not our parish church but one that has family connections.
I emailed the Reverand to enquire about the date and ask if he would marry us (we were told by the Parish secretary to email not phone/call in). I got a reply the next day, saying that Sundays were 'not the best day for weddings as the clergy are busy and parishioners who need to attend may have family commitments'. He then went on to ask for details of the qualifying connection that would allow us to marry there so that we could discuss it further.
I emailed back later that day with details of the connection (df's grandparents marrying there) and also asked if there was any time of day we could marry on a Sunday that would be less inconvenient and thus allow us to marry on a Sunday.
I waited for a reply for a full week and nothing.
So, I forwarded the email again, and just said I wanted to check he had received it as I had n't yet had a reply.
He sent an email back saying (word for word) 'I have received your email but it is not quite to the top of my list. Regards'.
That was a week ago...and nothing since.

AIBU to think he's being 'off'? It's now been nearly a month since my first email and we're at risk of losing the provisional booking we have for our venue as we still don't know if he will marry us on that date.

Also, where do I go from here? What can I email him now? Just to stress also, I have been impeccably polite in all emails...I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him...so want to move things along but not risk pissing this Reverand off!

Sorry it's long!

[UptheChimney]

OP, do you actually attend this church? Or any church?

Cof E rarely marry people on a Sunday, although I have seen a marriage celebration of regular parishioners as part of the ordinary 10am Sunday service (clergy family for my sins). Ditto for christenings.

And frankly, the groom's grandparents marrying in the church wouldn't be seen as a huge priority for 'connection to the church/parish.'

Vicars actually do a LOT of work 6 days a week (Monday was the day off in my family). Sunday may involve visiting places (such as nursing homes) to celebrate communion, may involve several services, seeing & talking to regular parishioners, and so on.

Churches aren't just pretty places to start a party ...

[ZZZenagain]

she did mention further down the thread that she does attend church

[clam]

Did she? I thought she said "how do you know I don't?" -which is not the same thing!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I thought that too, clam.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

Surely anyone who DID attend on a Sunday would know why weddings don't generally happen that day of the week?

[ShadowStorm]

clam is right.

OP just said "How do you know pp, that I am not a regular churchgoer?!" - but failed to mention whether or not she is actually a regular churchgoer.

Frankly, given the OP's apparent lack of knowledge about why Sunday might be a busy day for a reverend and therefore not good for weddings, it's reasonable to suspect that she isn't a regular churchgoer. Especially as she hasn't said that she is.

[tyaca]

it's not the groom's grandparents who got married there, is it? it's the OP's great-grand-parents.

[ShadowStorm]

I thought Df was referring to fiancee rather than father, given the context the OP's using Df in?

[DeskPlanner]

Yeah, I thought fiancee rather than father. So the partners grandparents.

[BackforGood]

I too assumed fiancee, but either way, it's not really what you'd call a strong connection.

[MsMarple]

I got married on a Sunday, as DH and all his friends all work on saturdays, and didn't realise how unusual it was - doubly grateful to our lovely vicar now!

OP, if you want to salvage the situation, go there for a service and introduce yourself to the vicar and have a face to face chat. You might get to appreciate how busy they are on Sundays, and the vicar might get to understand your genuine wish to marry there, perhaps on another day.

Good luck!

[UptheChimney]

Frankly, given the OP's apparent lack of knowledge about why Sunday might be a busy day for a reverend and therefore not good for weddings, it's reasonable to suspect that she isn't a regular churchgoer

Yup, that's what I thought. From my family experience, best thing to do would be to start attending the church. But apparently it's a PITA to get to... so that might be difficult. But then I wonder, why get married somewhere that's miles away from anywhere that you or your family live? So there's no sense of community, just a pretty building?

[Viviennemary]

Most churches don't marry people on a Sunday. They are busy with people who actually go to church. If anybody was being a bit pushy and rude it was you. He tried in a polite way to say Sundays was not convenient and then you pushed it.

[kungfupannda]

I didn't read that email as rude. He didn't say "You're not exactly at the top of my list right now", ie you're not a priority, just that your arrangements aren't at the top of his list yet, ie he hasn't got to it yet.

In any event, if you are wanting to marry at a church which isn't your home church (if you are even a church goer at all), it's a bit much to hassle the vicar, when he's already made it clear that you've asked a bit much. If you genuinely want to marry in that church, I would suggest apologising for chasing him, explain that this is important to you, hence you getting a bit stressy, and ask if there is another day when he could marry you.

[FreshLeticia]

Great post Revness
I am in Wales too and we do not see Sunday weddings here. In our rural area the Church is important still to most of the community and our Vicar would be far too busy managing the three churches that he provides services in.
Having said that, he was delighted when DH and I wanted to marry in our village church, as no-one had married there due to it's tiny capacity. Although, technically our house is over the border in the next parish!

[Lottashakingoinon]

I could be wrong but I am guessing that the OP's silence since very early on, particularly in light of the suggestion that she may get a better response if she is flexible as to date, suggests that everything else (e.g reception venue) is cast in stone. Fair enough but it shows that the church was less important than other considerations (again fair enough!) but she can hardly then compain in the Rev has other priorities too.

I agree that his tone was sharper than it might be but I certainly read the OP as being the hassling one and he responded accordingly. As Revness said, he's only human!

[LippiPongstocking]

Always, always, ALWAYS book the wedding itself BEFORE the reception venue is the lesson here, I think.

[givemeaclue]

Loving this thread. Want to hear more of ops wedding plans, everyone got their bingo cards ready? Eyes down...

[Groovee]

I don't think he was rude. Maybe he doesn't do weddings in a Sunday or may be he has leave booked.

[limitedperiodonly]

I thought it was rude. I must be being a bit sensitive, which is rare for me.

[VoiceofUnreason]

Be easier all round if churches made a hard and fast rule only to marry people who were born in that parish or have attended that particular church for a specified period of time (and I don't mean once a month for six months).

People are quite happy to marry in church even though they have no connection at all or, very often, religious beliefs. I know many women who when they marry want a big white wedding in church even though they don't believe in God. In which case, it's all about the show. Which isn't what it should be about.

Believe in God, get married in church. Don't believe in God, then go for stately home, hotel, registrar's office, Gretna Green etc.

[LaVolcan]

Believe in God, get married in church. Don't believe in God, then go for stately home, hotel, registrar's office, Gretna Green etc.

One clergyman's wife told me that the number of weddings dropped off dramatically in her church once venues such as stately homes were licensed.

I go to a church which doesn't score particularly highly on the attraction stakes i.e. not the pretty village church, nor the ornate pile in the town centre with lots of stained glass, and we don't do many weddings at all, and they nearly all have some sort of connection with the church.

[DeskPlanner]

I totally agree with Voice, being married in church should not be about the dream of the big white wedding. If your not religious, then just find another pretty building. The op may attend church every week for all I know, so I'm not talking about her, just in general.

[Bue]

Where have people got the idea that the CofE doesn't marry anyone on a Sunday? It's not a rule.

www.yourchurchwedding.org/faqs/may-we-marry-on-a-sunday.aspx

OP your reasons for wanting to get married there sound totally legitimate, it sounds like a very important place in your DF's family history. The vicar probably just doesn't want to marry you on a Sunday for his own reasons. And yes, I think he sounds rude.

[Still18atheart]

YABU

The excuse Sunday is not the best day, is way to tell someone no but in a letting down gently type of way. That's a applicable in any situation especially this one.

I agree with whoever it was who said that your df should have emailed the reverend, and told a lovely story about growing up in the parish and recall some events which happened at the the church which he attended.

Also agree with everyone who has said that the reception will be a bit flat as everyone will be concentrating on work the next day.